:: So Far - [Outro]

"Looking back at all the previous posts; I noticed how exposed I am: naked, but not in my bed room. I dated men and never had the guts to show them my blog: I felt that they would be having the privilege of knowing too much en excès about my personal little details; I even denied linking myself to the blog when I was asked." -Digg, So Far - [intro]

Only a couple more days to go, and the clock would announce; not sure whether happily, doubtfully, sadly, ironically or something else; my birthday.

Again, I would hang out with Shatz and Samer, drink and dance the night away, fall in a couple of surprise parties where I have to act totally blown away. I would gracefully smile at my friends' faces, thank them deeply and wonder: how deep have I affected their souls? How really important is this day to them?

Would it be much different if I shared it with a life partner? Or is it better me partying, a single 20 something guy, alone; with shiny eyes reflecting lust, sadness and a psycho touch of deep happiness that I am alive?

How would it have been if I tried applying much weight on the relationship concept with Miky?

After the naive love I felt for him, his kisses that flew me high in the skies; and attitudes that crushed me down on earth, I took a deep breath and gave a deep thought about it: what if the great guy picture I drew was just a projection of light that I projected over his real character? What if Miky wasn't really who I wanted him to be? Maybe that was why I was always shocked when he acts in a way that I couldn't understand.

In fact, after the drinks we had in Deals and the infamous try-to-kiss-me, I tried acting dumb; at least during the whole following month. I tried shifting my thoughts till that night, while cruising Jardino, I met Amir:

"Digg, sweetie how are?"

Even though I knew how hypocrite he is, I faked my usual smile and answered:

"Good. How is it going with you, Amir? Heard about your new job!"

"Yeah; don't remind me! My new manager is gay! What's up with this country? Everyone is turning fag!"

I slowly nodded while looking at the car passing next to me and slowing down. I couldn't help but wonder: was he checking me out, or were I seen as who is that guy stopped by the bitch?

After a bunch of pointless talks; fake laughs and a couple of cars flashing, Amir said:

"There is that someone I am dating these days. He thinks he's being smart with me, but I am waaaay much harder than what he thinks!"

I was interested, not by he fact he was dating someone, but that there is still someone out there who doesn't know the real slutty him!

I asked: "Tell me more about him. Is he cute?"

After a couple of details, I was hearing Miky's description. I tried to swallow this huge ball that I felt in my throat, I couldn't. How could he date all those bitches? Had he already forgotten about Tamer, the Black Widow? His ex, the whore?

Am I too invisible to be seen?

I stopped talking to him; I still have some dignity.

* * *

I am sure when I will be mixing my Martini drink while celebrating my birthday, I will remember Alfie; with his sweet giggle and our trip together. I will remember how smoothly I felt between his arms, how right it was while kissing him, and how ecstatic it was while having sex.

Even though I never said "yes" verbally, I couldn't deny missing him and actually saying it out loud. He called me after a while; checking on me. When I saw his name on my phone, I froze for a while; then took a deep breath and answered:

"Hey you!"

At the other end I could almost picture him smiling while leaning on the phone:

"You never called me since that day".

I couldn't find the right words to answer him, but I surely had a lot to say. Whenever I picture Alfie, I just remember his tender lips and soft touch.

"How is work?", he asked.

I replied, as I always do but distantly thinking about seeing him; so I quickly answered:

"I am coming now... we're having coffee together", before he had the time to answer, I was already hanging up and getting ready.

When I saw him, he was always as attractive as last time I saw him, which he emphasized:

"Yaaaah! I sooo miss you!", he said while hugging me.

I squeezed him so close to me and we just sat down and talked, talked about everything. He had his way in making me surrender. Was it his ultimate innocence? Deep hypnotizing eyes? Or is it the breathtaking glamour that he has?

"Digg, he said after finishing our third coffee, you must see my new Beemer!" In fact, it has been a while I was following his new beloved and customized new BMW!

While driving him back home, I gently moved my hand over his, and felt the electricity going up my arm, down my spine and echoing in my brains. He giggled his sexy giggle and said:

"Long time, Digg; it has been long time!"

He squeezed my hand and leaned a bit next to me; giving me hints about my car, his car, and making me smell his slight perfume mixed with cigarette and my car's AC.

We are still in touch till this very day, and who knows, maybe I will have another adventure with him soon.

* * *

While driving back home on my birthday night, drunk and loaded with confused emotions; I will remember Ewan; my greek god. Even though I knew that the last time I would be in contact with him would have been that night I drove him to Cairo International Airport in order to catch his plane, and even though I knew that the kiss I had in the street in front of his parents that night would be craziest thing I would have ever done; I had a slight sensation that his story wouldn't be over.

While waiting for Samer on one of our Thursday nights, my phone rang. It was him, with his glorious strong tone announced his name: Ewan. For the fist time, I was speechless, with an empty head: absolutely nothing. Void. I then realized how rude it was, being silent.

"Where are you, mate?", I answered while remembering the local number that appeared on my cell.

"In the airport. I remembered you while being here!"

While I thought he had just landed in Egypt, he turned out to be just leaving it.

"I couldn't call you earlier, Digg. I wanted to, but couldn't!"

Were I too much to face?

I lit a cigarette then answered: "What matters you are alright.. what have you done about the.. thing?"

"I couldn't do it.. even though I walked into the Church!"

Many things he couldn't do; but he had the possibility to capture me, mind and soul.

"What matters is that you are alright, aren't you, Ewan?"

He confirmed, then, while hanging up, expressed how much he misses me and hoped I could understand why we couldn't meet while he was here.

... I really didn't understand why; but I knew that that would have been the last contact between both of us.

Yes, it was.

* * *

If Samer happens to suggest passing by Harry's pub on my birthday, I will surely laugh and remind him with the funny incident that happened while we were with Wael and Amgad. We would make fun of how fake their lives were and I would surely tell him about what happened afterwards.

I will start my talk asking him if he was still in touch with Amgad, especially after he was trying to hit on him right after he broke up with Wael. I will ironically laugh and tell him how cheap Wael became, living in the house of a 50 something years old guy and hanging out with all those cheap feather fags.

I will mention the mail that Amgad sent to Wael; pretending to be a Police Officer, threatening to arrest him and warning him that he was under surveillance. I will talk about the dirty ways Egyptian fags are following, we'd surely show our disdain, then we'll just forget about them.

* * *

Even though it would have been 2 years since my break up, I will remember Him. I would surely feel weird in my stomach, not because I miss Him; because apparently I don't anymore, but because I haven't heard about Him for a while. With every SMS I would be receiving, I would be hoping that He would be wishing me happy birthday. Even if He sends me an SMS, I wouldn't feel comfortable. I would feel worried and disgusted.

Do I still love Him? He has indeed changed my whole life and vision regarding relationships, but is He that routed and combined into my soul to the extent that I can't differentiate myself, my though and His impact on me?

* * *

Soon, my ID, gayDar, ManJam and other profiles' account will increase the right digit in my age by one.

I lay back and think: I am so lucky to have Samer, Shatz, Salmos and many many other terrific friends in my life. I might not be that lucky when it comes to love matters; but their existence is quiet balancing mine.

Cheers!