January 29, 2008

:: Boy, interrupted!

My home phone rang at 3:30 in the morning; I was just getting back home in that summer night in 2005, thinking about my new job that would start the next day. I was partying with my friends the new contract and it was about time to sleep, if I wanted to give a good impression at the new firm.

"Yes?", I said while looking at the watch as I picked up the phone. It surely was 3:30 in the morning, who would call me that late; and on my private home phone?

"umm.. Digg?", a soft voice asked.

"Yes. Who is this?", I quickly asked while assuming that this couldn't be but a gay guy. I had no clue who could that be, but calling me on my home number was something serious.

"How is it going?", he asked, skipping my earlier question.

"Good. Who is this again?", I asked, irritated this time.

"I am a friend. I just want to see you now."

Now? Was he crazy?

"Now? Are you crazy? Who are you? Listen mate, looks like you're just fooling around. You'd better tell me who you are. I've got your number here!", I said while checking my Caller ID. It was a certain land line number in Mohandessin Area.

"Trust me I mean no harm. I thought you'd recognize my voice when I call you, but many years have passed. I changed a lot it seems".

He captured my attention.

"You see, I want to see you now... I want to see the expression on your face when you cross me. I so want to see how you'd react!"

I got puzzled.

"Listen, the fact that you have my home number means that you are someone I really cared about it seems; which makes me quite confused, I mean not recognizing you is killing me, but I sincerely can't go out now, I barely have to catch a couple of hours of sleep before I start my new job tomorrow. Can we make this tomorrow night instead?", I was worried more than in need to sleep. I felt unsafe.

"Sure. Oh and Digg, Happy Birthday!"

I hung up bewildered, my birthday would be in 4 days and this unknown person still remembered me very well. Puzzled, excited, I was waiting for his phone call the following night as promised.


I always had a doctor/patient fetish, but I never had sex with a medical student before. Even though it might turn me on to unattainable limits that I might have ever reached anytime, I never thought about anyone else who could fit in that picture but Haley.

It was one of those early days in 2000 when I used to date people and hope that they would turn out to be my saviors. Cheesy thoughts could fill my young head; heavenly music used to deafen my ears even though I was standing in the middle of Tahrir square; the always busy place in Cairo. I was supposed to meet a certain twenty-something years old fresh medical student, and boy, I needed therapy.

He was looking at me from a distance, and I knew it was him. Even though we haven't exchanged pictures back then, I could feel that it was him from the eye contact and the vague connection that we had. I never initiate the first move, but his looks and the desire pushed me to start the first talk:

"Haley?", I said while walking slowly towards the boy who was wearing his cap, throwing a deep enigmatic feeling and impression to his persona.

"Yes", he simply answered yes. Nothing more; just a yes, while looking at the ground; masking his face with the same cap that made him look even cuter with the feeble blush I could see in the night's shades and lousy lamps in the street in front of KFC.

I can't remember what happened that night, but it was fascinating. Flashes of a walk by the Nile, a quick run to cross the busy streets and me, foolishly fantasizing kissing him. My back then blurred seventeen years old mind drew a lot of intimate things with that twenty one years old cute boy; and I was loving it.

Haley's problem was routed far beyond his sexual confusion: being the only son in his family after his father's death made him carry a heavy responsibility in an early age. They used to live a lavish life before his old man passed away, not caring for expenses since he used to provide them the high standard of life they needed. With his own car and outings, Haley used to live large.

Days never stay as cheerful as they might reflect: hospitals, debts, problems and different money exhausting issues drained all the savings that his family had. Haley had to sell his own car, move into another small apartment with his family outside Cairo in order to survive. Many things got broken inside of him, and he wasn't coping quite well with all these sudden changes. When he understood the true nature of his sexual orientation, Haley felt lost in a dark pit that couldn't be enlightened by any candle, fire or even a nuclear power station! Depression took control of him: he had to survive and provide extra money for his mother and sisters as well while thinking and wondering what makes him love the boy-boy action. Haley surrendered to the classic scenario of therapy and medication.

He told me all that in the first time we met and I sympathized with him. He didn't look like someone who deserved suffering in his life; at least, not being victim of such monstrosity and awful luck.

Two weeks later, I wanted him already to meet my group of friends back then. I scheduled a meeting in Marriott's Bakery Cafe at 7 PM and picked up Haley from Tahrir. We were planing to have coffee, catch a movie then hang out a bit. I wanted him to step into my inner circle; my plans were high and optimistic.

For the first hour in the Cafe, Haley was silent. My friends tried making him talk, but he always answered with a couple of words. The kid was too shaken to the extent of losing all his self confidence. He took his delicate features for granted, his mesmerizing eyes as if they were common. He always used to complain about his body: "I gained weight". "I am not in shape". "I look bad"! I couldn't relate to any of his assumptions, but when we are down, nothing can lift us up except our own self confidence and esteem.

Time flew, and we were already late for the movie. My friend Roco suggested going to the movie theatre and see what we could catch, if not, we could hang around the mall. We all agreed.

While going in the car, Haley held my arm so tight. I leaned close to him and asked:

"What's wrong dear?"

"I don't feel okay. Your friends are too... open!"

"Sorry?", I asked looking at him, "What do you mean by open?"

He went silent for a moment then said:

"Later I tell you, are we going to stay for long?"

We didn't catch the movie but had a couple of drinks in the mall and talked. I tried focusing more on Haley who started letting go a bit. He was having side talks with Tommy which made me feel comfortable.

After driving him to the train station, Rocco said:

"He's sweet, but not for you, Digg".

I frowned, as if I was insulted:

"What's that?"

"Seriously, the kid is too closed", again I couldn't understand the mysterious open and close expressions. He kept on: "He's too simple, not self confident and he really needs to take care of himself a bit".

"You have no right judging him that way, Rocco", I quickly answered while leaving his car. My Haley was fine. He was better than any of them: his innocent and clean soul were his aura that impressed me.

Two days later I found Haley online:

"So what about the other day's worries you had".

"I don't feel comfortable with your friends. They are too gay. The way they talk, act, behave", he was right. That was one of my very pink phases in my life.

"I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted you around; knowing me and them better".

"What did they say about me?"

... I had to lie.


The following time we scheduled a meeting in the same place, Tahrir square, he was standing there wearing the same heavy coat and holding a flower. A red one.

"Hey Haley", I said while looking at the flower.

He didn't answer. We walked a bit then he handed me the rose saying:

"I had a gift with me as well, but my bag was stolen in the subway".

I smiled while taking the flower:

"Thank you". It touched me, cheesy yes. Too romantic in a way that would make you vomit: absolutely true, but how do you explain these mixed feelings you get whenever someone you really like just thinks about you in a materialistic way?

"What happened?"

"I was going in the subway, and right before the doors close, someone cut the bag's handle and ran away. I couldn't get out, the doors were already closed and the train moved."

I sighed: "Oh dear! Thank God that knife didn't hurt you or something".

Silence. Whenever he used to say a long sentence, he used to remain silent afterwards as if he had a certain limited amount of words to say per hour.

We had coffee together that night and around 11 PM, I walked with him to the subway station.

"You be careful this time okay?", I said while buying two tickets, one for each of us.

"Why are you getting two tickets?", he asked.

I actually assumed that he had lost his wallet as well, instead of buying him only one ticket that would be embarrassing, I suggested waiting with him on the platform.

"I just want to wait for you", I answered.

"No it's okay", he said, "I have my own ticket".

I handed him the one I bought and suggested using it next time we'd meet, so I'd guarantee a "next time". While standing on the platform's entrance, two trains passed yet we kept talking. I quickly handed him 50 pounds which he refused:

"Come on! Listen, you never know what could happen while you're going back home. You keep this, and give it to me next time we meet if you won't need it.", again, a lousy next time scenario. I could picture the awkwardness of the moment, but I had to do what I had to.

While he was going through the gates he said: "Digg, I am bringing these back to you". And he disappeared in the crowd. Even though I felt very happy while going back home, humming and running, rushing to reach my PC and wait for him; I had this huge inner feeling that I wouldn't see him again.

At least, I didn't know that the next time he would get in touch would be after 5 years, via a phone call at 3:30 in the morning that kept me wondering who that person could be. I haven't thought it was Haley: they tone, way and confidence expressed over the phone weren't what I used to remember about him. I wished so many times knowing what had happened to him, he left me devastated not knowing anything about him. I had no way to reach him, no cell phone number, no home address or even an MSN. I just had a picture of his which I always kept on my PC.

The second phone call that was supposed to be done the following day as he promised me that night hadn't come in but  a week later in which he revealed his identity, telling me that he was already in the airport going back to Switzerland where he had left years before. Haley still remembered me, and wanted to see me in the vacation he had in Egypt but couldn't get the same guts he had the first night he called asking to meet. He felt guilty leaving me in the dark, that's why he called again telling me about himself. He finished the call saying:

"Digg, I still keep the 50 pounds and the train ticket as promised!"

Lamer than being in a lousy Bollywood movie, I smiled.

I so much wanted to see him. I missed his lips. I always loved commenting on how cherry they were; full and attractive. His eye contact made me melt, and his extremely sharming shy looks could make me swoon. His well built large chest and dark hair were captivating me.

Multiply all this by 100, and you'd get his new look.

When he added me over MSN a year later, I saw his new pictures. Haley literarily fucked himself at gym. Not too bulky, but the firmest and most perfect body shape I have ever encountered I could see on the display picture. His looks got way better: bye bye silly caps and lousy sweaters; hello spiky hair, tight bodies and sexy low waist jeans. He looked man, macho, cute, sexy, baby, cuddly: all in one glance. Haley was Mr.Perfect.

"You can't believe how I changed Digg", he said while starting the chat, "I actually had sex with a guy!"

I laughed, with a pinch of jealousy.

"Was it good?", I teased.

"Of course it was. I finally overcame my inner confusion! Remember those days when I told you I used to go to psychiatrists and psychologists, filling me up with medicine?"

"Yeah", I quickly typed remembering how I used to get upset with all those chemical waste and dumb they used to stick in him.

"Well, not anymore. I finally believe in myself. It took me time to reach so, but I am quite balanced. It's just loneliness that is killing me. I became a working machine, making money; but at the end of day, all alone."

We kept on talking every now and then online; I felt bad seeing him that perfect, yet that far away from me. He decided starting a new life after that night we spent together. He silently packed his stuff and went adventuring in Europe; changing his career. He got lucky after a while in a new job in France and from there he kicked up. Gained his confidence, re-built his lost self esteem and finally felt alive.

The first time I met him was 7 years after our first kids meeting, in Thrust. We had a date that night to join Marco V's spinning night, and I was supposed to meet Carl as well. I was devil enough to invite Haley just to make Carl see me with that hot sex bomb, in fact, almost all fags and girls in the gig were trying to hook up with Haley. When I touched his body while dancing, it was so firm yet very soft that turned me on. When Carl joined us later, I felt from his looks that he either was so annoyed seeing me with such a hunk, or he wanted him badly.

When I saw Haley that night, after all these years carrying a box with a gift that reached me safely that night without being stolen, which I made a joke about, I felt that all the years that separated both dates were just a couple of days. Even though Haley looked totally different, in fact I didn't recognize him at first, his very same pure and wonderful soul remained the same. We couldn't talk much that night because of the loud music, but we surely danced like crazy. Seeing his beautiful lips and attractive eyes again, in that miraculous shape of his that he worked so hard to reach made me feel king of the night; and a kid, 7 years back in time.

When we finished the party, Carl was too possessing my thoughts and monopolizing my drunken measures that I quickly drove Haley to his friend's place and actually turning his invitation down to have dinner with him and maybe spend the night. I wanted to see Carl, I wanted to go to Carl's after party. While driving Haley, he said, talking about Carl, Kane and their friends:

"Your friends, they look strange".

"In what way", I answered.

"I don't know, they don't look comfortable to me."

I smiled then said: "They are the party animals friends. Drugs, music, after parties, alcohol!"

He took a deep breath then said: "Could you at least not go to that after party, please?"

I smiled; and didn't answer. I wanted to go. I refused Haley's juicy invitation to dinner and night: Carl was mesmerizing me.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, I was in the Intercontinental's lobby -empty. I looked around, then looked at my dead phone; smiled and thought that Haley's wish had just come true: Carl had left.

Three weeks later, Haley left Egypt back to his life, leaving me his always wonderful memory, a couple of pictures we took in Thrust; a wonderful gift that I will forever keep on my office desk, and this blog space just for him.


"Why is he late?", he asked my girl friend.

"He said he's putting your gift in the car, he can't dance while holding that box!", she answered him while looking at the people raving.

"Well, I hope he just didn't take it and run away, I mean, it's not a really expensive gift! I want him back!", they both laughed... that's when I got into the club and saw them socializing. I was glad that Haley had finally managed breaking all his ice, even if I wasn't the one who hammered it.

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January 15, 2008

:: unforGUETTAble

" We met for a moment and then it's goodbye,
but I just lived a lifetime with you in my mind:
What would it be to live in your world,
if you were my boy and I was your guy.
It's crazy this spell you have me under!
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder:
What would my life be living in your arms,
I feel I'll never know.
and what would you say,
if I were to stay,
and just go your way? "

- Rachael Starr.

Sharm al-Sheikh: Land of freedom. A place where most people head to, not only to have their crazy escapades in the mountains, deep in the red sea or in a wasted brand named night club, but also land of various sexcapades that most of the Egyptians tend to experience since being there, the sky is the limit. People are happy, enjoying their vacation in a luxurious way. Foreigners who want to be entertained, or seek hot Egyptian studs to have a sexy full of passion and heated vacation let themselves carried by hunks, gay people who openly show that they are together; enjoy each other's presence without any judgmental look from the Egyptian community, except for one person who had to control his eye contacts and behavior: me!

The night before we head to Sharm as planned to join David Guetta's session in Pacha with my Carl (Intoxicating), I was exquisitely delighted when he called me up and wanted to meet up for drinks. He finally initiated the call, and I started building a marvelous scenario that would carry me away for the following three days and nights in Sharm. Heat, Terrazzina beach dancing on the sand, in the sea, around the fire, ecstasy, alcohol, Pacha, Little Buddha, passion, thrill, temptation and most probably a second passionate night, me and Carl, venting all the acquired tension and need for delirious body contact on bed. The need of his existence and the thirst for another thrust were controlling my senses. How many times have I played First Time track? My iPod topped it, and it won't be reached unless I spin other records a hundred times. Drinks with Carl, I really needed that. I wanted to be closer to him again, even by sharing a seat next to him in his car.

I picked him up from his place in Cairo and we quickly went to Drinkie's for a drinks charge. IDs were our choice and House was our music. We drove around a bit, started drinking and talking about new tracks, outings, parties and of course the long awaited gig. When we got tipsy, Carl suggested going somewhere more fun, to show-off. He quickly suggested FBI area; and I liked the idea. I drove him back to his car, gave him my iPod's FM connector set to frequency 99.3 and we both were rocking the same tune he was transmitting. We raced on Mohandessin streets, played on the 6th of October bridge and when that Hyundai car tried to lock my way, he quickly made sure to open up space for me just not to lose his tail, and the music!

FBI Area: A simple Mobil gas station, filled with a line of food and beverage shops that was known as a hang out place for boys and gals who want to show off their music, cars or themselves. We picked the last place and parked next to each other, lowered the windows and let the house mixes blow everybody's minds. Drunk by then, we were drinking and raving to the music, in the open. It started dancing in my mind along with my body moves the sensational pleasure and haunting ideas of having Carl more and more. If I ever pictured a boyfriend to be, he would totally fit in the picture with his successful life, raving style and careless lifestyle when it comes to having fun. He knew how to enjoy; and I was enjoying him.

It started getting late and guys were leaving. We hadn't had enough yet, we kept on the beat till early morning driving randomly in Cairo's calm and beautiful streets at night. I laughed and loved his laughter. He turned me on even more; but were I allowed to show my care? After our night together in Agami, I couldn't understand the change in his behavior. Were I his friend? I couldn't bare the idea of being rejected, yet all the signs were reflecting casualty and ease whenever we meet. Even though all my hidden flirts online were smartly blocked by his subtle answers, I didn't want to reject the idea of maybe things would be different in Sharm.

By 7 in the morning, I was back home. I barely slept for four hours when I got his call:

"Digg! How are you boy?"

"Fine", I answered while yawning, "Tell me what's up mate!"

"Get ready! I'll pick you up in a couple of hours. Direction: Sharm!"

"What!", I quickly said, "Weren't we supposed to take off at night? I mean the hotel reservations aren't on till tomorrow morning."

"Don't worry, boy", he answered, "my friends have a plan!".

"Hell okay! I need to prepare my bag then!"

Before I end the call, I jumped in the shower to freshen up then started packing. I was still under the alcohol's effect and felt delighted.

Around 2 PM, he called me. I quickly went to meet him up. While walking closer to his car, I noticed a silhouette of some person sitting next to him. I was curious: he mentioned that his cousin and a friend would join us, but I didn't expect seeing any of them that soon.

"Hey boy!", he said while I was getting into his car. "Digg, this is Joe. Joe, meet Digg". I quickly saluted the guy, and to my surprise he was a barely 20 years old kid under his large sun glasses. Soft, sweet and awfully cute. Jealousy hit me. Who was that kid? Only Joe. No details, no information, nothing. I was glad that I was having my Police on, otherwise, Carl and his Joe could see fire jumping off my eyes.

He was quiet; and I was quitter. Carl quickly briefed me that he had to go back to Mohandessin to meet up with his friends and start driving all together to Sharm; that's when Joe talked. I can't remember what he said, but he had a low tone, and I didn't want to listen to what he said. I just laid my head back and surrendered to the Greg di Mano set that was being played. The way Carl acted with Joe made me angry -without a reason. The fact that I wasn't his center of attention made me jealous; and the way he was touching and looking at Joe burnt me. Were I just another one night stand guy who just turned into friendship because we shared the same interests? Was Joe his new conquest? Is he going to stay with him in one room and leaving me wonder silently and regret the whole trip? Haunted with ideas, I was sitting in the back seat.

When we reached the meeting point, a bunch of guys, straight and hot were out there. They were talking about drugs, ecstasies and alcohol. I wanted to join them, but I always had this fear of facing a group of friends. I preferred waiting in the car, playing Solitaire on my i-mate. Fifteen minutes later, Joe came next to my open window and said:

"Hey! Staying in the car to play Solitaire?"

"It comes in handy when you're disconnected, huh!", I said while looking at him. He barely drew a smile of his baby face and left. Forty minutes later, Carl and Joe were back in the car; with a new barely 17 years old friend! The trip started turning into a children summer camp in Sharm. Carl introduced the new kid to me, Herly. He was half Venezuelan; from what I knew later. He was the younger brother of one of Carl's friends. I knew that our car would be the "drugs free" one. We had to wait till his friends were loaded with cocaine in order to join us.

"What to do now, guys?", asked Carl, "We are supposed to wait till they get the stuff".

"Let's get our drinks and wait in FBI", I suggested.

Quickly we loaded the car with Heineken cans and waited for a couple of hours in FBI. When it started getting late, Carl called his friends: they were still waiting for the drugs.

"What do you think boys? Hit the road?". Obviously we all agreed.

Cans opened, smokes lit, loud music played, we were on the long 6 hours drive way to Sharm. I learnt that Joe was alcohol and smoke free person; actually Carl was the one who said and refused when Herly suggested opening him a Heineken. I was bewildered with his attitude, but what the hell! I was supposed to go and enjoy my trip, my gig, my time! When we reached the toll gate, Joe casually opened Carl's wallet and took out the money. Wasn't that too intimate? It hit me more when Joe simply answered Carl's phone based on his desire. Those guys were acting as boyfriends. Off my dreams flew away!

It was around 10:30 PM when we reached Sharm and Carl's friends were still in Cairo. We had no place to stay and it was getting cold. We drove around a bit and kept on contacting his friend Kane in order to know more when they would be able to join us and what were their plans concerning the night in Sharm. We finally got a vague answer, after several non answered calls to Kane, that they were going to check a couple of resort in Neama Bay area.

"Sharm, on Feast day, David Guetta's eve, and no reservation? Were they nuts finding a place now?", I asked, astonished by the news.

"Kane said that they know the manager of a couple of places in here, we should try to reach him".

We tried reaching him till 2 in the morning, in vain. We finally parked in Neama Bay View resort and, exhausted, Carl sat next to me in the back seat and asked Herly to drive if the manager appears. We were half sleeping, cold and uncomfortably sitting. I looked at Carl sitting next to me and surrendering to the situation and smiled. I quickly said:

"You know what, we're going to remember this and laugh!"

He tilted his head and answered, without looking at me:

"Yeah, let's just hope passing this night!"

A BMW's headlights hit us. I heard Herly talking to some guy who felt pity for us. It turned out to be the manager:

"Listen guys, I have my own Villa at the end of the resort. You stay there for the night and we'd see what to do tomorrow". Both Herly and Joe went to check it out; that's when I couldn't hold it anymore:



"Who is Joe?".

"He's my cousin".

"Oh!", I answered, "He seems like a nice kid. Innocent!".

Fuck! I kept repeating in my head. That's why all the care and intimacy! Carl was responsible of his cousin! Even though I felt guilty, but still I hated Joe being Carl's center of attention. In fact, Joe was the typical image of the spoiled kid who needs anything in the moment. Totally irresponsible and a serious burden.

We got in the Villa which was big enough to host all of the gang. We quickly went to bed. Joe and Carl took the large bed, while I quietly took the side one and tried to get some rest. Herly stayed up, waiting for the rest of the boys.

At 5 AM, loud knocking.

Voices. People talking. Music loudly played.

I was too drunk and tired to react.

It was around 11 AM when I woke up. Carl was already moving in his bed and Joe was awake. We slowly went out to freshen up. I shaved, then went to the living room where I found 4 people sleeping on the couch, on the floor and on a chair. I spotted Joe and Carl somewhere sitting in the darkened room. We started talking in a low tone, not to wake anyone's up.

"Looks like they are totally fucked up already!", I whispered.

"Yeah! But don't worry, they'll jump soon", whispered back Carl.

"So what are we supposed to do today concerning the Hotel reservation?", I asked.

"Well I was thinking", said Carl, "We should cancel it and stay in here. I mean the after party will be in this very same place, why would we get disconnected from the guys?".

"Oh okay. So it's final. I will call the hotel now and make sure we'd cancel our reservations then we go pick up our tick...", I couldn't finish whispering my last sentence since Kane started moving. I felt guilty for waking him up, since I was the last one to talk. We all looked at him and I was watching him moving, hoping that I hadn't bothered him. Kane said:

"Guys! Talk louder! This low tone is annoying me!" I stayed frozen; was he talking seriously; or making fun? He then looked at me. I looked back. His eye contact was so piercing I had to look away for a second, then looked back at him, wondering whether he was really annoyed or it was okay. Kane got up, looked at the other friends then walked to the bathroom. I quickly looked at him moving away, and kept my mouth shut, except answering his Good Morning!

Half an hour later, Carl suggested bringing in breakfast. I changed and went down to wait for him in the car. A few minutes later, Carl went down. When he got in the car, he took off his sun glasses and said:

"Digg, did you look at Kane in a strange way?"

"Huh?", I quickly answered, "What do you mean strange way?"

"Well, he just took me aside and told me you looked at him in a bad way. He asked if you were gay!"

"What?", I said, terrorized.

"Listen Digg. This trip is totally straight. All people in here are straight. No gay talks. No gay looks. No gay crap! You need to take care!"

I felt a frozen hand squeezing my heart when I heard him saying that. I just mumbled:

"I know! You don't have to tell me so. When I looked at Kane I was feeling guilty for waking him up! What all this fuss!"

"I of course denied everything, but you just need to pay more attention".

I stayed silent. Joe joined us and we brought breakfast from McDonald's.

Carl changed. I felt him avoiding me. Everybody was loosely dancing to the loud music, drinking and I was calculating every single gesture I was having. I felt horribly guilty and ashamed of what happened; and above all, felt bad that Carl had to control all his actions to avoid Kane's judgmental thoughts.

It was aroud 3 PM when Carl suggested going to Terrazzina. I soundly welcomed the idea: anything to go out of this place and Kane's existence. Carl, Joe and I got in the House music themed beach and, again, smoked and more alcohol I felt happy dancing in the sea. Carl still avoiding me; but what the hell! I was high and happy enjoying water, music and sun.

Time flew and we were already going around midnight to Pacha. After checking in the VIP area and making sure our Tequila bottle was well served with lime and salt, Carl and I started warming up with shots while Joe was having his Soda. Ecstasy's effect started tickling my skin and eyes. Tequila's power took control of my head with music; yet I had to control my acts: Carl's cousin was around.

David Guetta was spinning and I took over a dancing stool right next to the gigantic speakers. I was raving, lost in the music away from my thoughts when Carl joined me on top of the stool. We danced together, touched each other and I was suddenly alerted with the fact of Joe's presence. I looked around, he was slowly dancing somewhere, not aware of what was going on. My obsession was blinding and disconnecting me. Maybe Carl let go a couple of seconds, but he quickly realized that he had to stop what he was doing. Was he worried by Joe's presence? Or was it me? His friend and making sure that I wouldn't get wrong message.

Half an hour later, a couple of his friends showed up and again, I felt really bad remembering Kane's incident. I went up the high dancing stool and tried raving the haunting ideas off my mind. I started blurring under the ecstasy and Tequila's mixed effect. A certain hot American girl asked me to help her get on the stool with me. I gladly did and started raving with her. In her hot short black skirt, she kept on bending, touching my crotch with her ass. I quickly glanced at Carl and his friends, they were looking at me. I took advantage of the moment: that would be the perfect timing to save Carl's ass from the accusation. I started dirty dancing and shamelessly raving with the chick. She turned around, took off my Police sun glasses and wore them while giving me a sip from her Screw Driver. She looked at my lips, and we were making out, on top of the stool, surrounded by David Guetta's Music and under Carl and his friends' eyes.

That wasn't how I pictured my night to be, at all.

I quickly ended the kiss, and kept on raving her. She leaned next to my ear, and while sensing her hot breath on my nick heard her saying: "You're a good dancer", then a few seconds later, "... and kisser!".

I wanted Carl badly. I wanted him the one I'd kiss, dance, rave and fuck!

We left at 6 in the morning. And because Joe was hungry, we had to swing by Pizza Hut. After ordering and sitting down, totally fucked up and barely opening our eyes because of the lights, Carl said:

"Digg, I am sorry".

I looked at Joe, then looked at Carl and said:

"What for?"

"I am sorry for what I told you this morning. I really mean it, but you haven't seen how Kane said it. It was really hurtful! He even asked me to leave!".

I looked down then said: "I feel bad too, I genuinely do."

I really did feel bad. not because of that incident, but because I knew by then that Carl had totally classified me as a friend. I felt bad because I sensed in his tone and attitude during the whole trip and gig total avoidance and total concentration on how not to make me get a wrong vibe.

I felt bad because I like him; and I still do. I felt bad because I drew too much stories; and raised my expectations up and high. I felt worse because I couldn't tell him how I felt, but keeping it all inside. My pride and self esteem couldn't be hit again with any rejection. Carl would always remain dear and close to me, even if he doesn't share the same emotions. I'd accept him the way he wants us to be; at least, I might be always keeping a spark in the back of my mine, maybe, next time; there won't be neither a Kane, nor a Joe.

Pizza was served.

Happy Birthday, Carl.

" Beg your pardon
Am I interrupting?
But there's something,
That's been bothering me.
When the wind blows,
It pushes me in your direction.
I can't fight it.

Any longer! "

- DJ Sumantri ft. Plural

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