March 12, 2008

:: So This Is Goodbye

"I still don't have the reason,
And you don't have the time.
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you"

Here I am sitting in my best friend's car; waiting for him to come down after deciding to break up with his girl friend; soon after their big plans of marriage. Their big castle of strong beliefs is collapsing; leaving them in shreds.

So breaks-up do happen in straight life as well.

When it comes to break-ups; why do we always link to the traumatic effect that would happen after leaving the beloved one; and we simply let the fact of pushing in the wrong way; mending and patching things up; causes bigger pain and loss? Trying to resurrect a dying feeling is a huge load.

Thinking about myself, about my relationship and the big love I had for Him, isn't better now that we both are taking over our lives without all the struggles that we used to have in order to enjoy each other's presence?

Why do we always tend to think about drama, while being in love and after ending the relationship?

Falling back to the juicy stories, meeting Roland was a mistake:

When we chatted for the first time, he sounded a fun and sexy person. His hot picture promised a lot of action. When we decided meeting, I went over to his place and was ready for the steaming sex.

When I got into his place, I was already drunk. Alcohol made me focused on one thing: his naked passionate body. We sat on the sofa and started cuddling; sweet talks were turning me on. I gently pressed on his chin and started my playful game of touching lips while making him lean forward to reach me for our first kiss. He suddenly froze:

"I can't". In return, I stood still, while holding his hand.

"What's up, Roland?"

"I just can't do this. I am sorry!", and he started crying.

I found myself helpless. I wanted to have sex, I wanted him naked. What the fuck was going wrong?

"I just broke up!"

It hit me. Not the fact that I might be his rebound sex, but the fact that he needed to talk!

Not caring about his psychological mess, I decided listening to him for a few, exchanging a couple of talks in order to quench my hard on.

"That's bad! How long have you been together?", I asked while caressing his hot half bearded cheek.

"Two years", he answered. "We broke up a week ago."

I slowly slipped my hand down his spin to touch his back. Again I repeated: "That's bad", while saying in my head: "That's boring! Get over with it already and let's fuck!". For a while, I thought about what a wreck I have become, without sympathy feelings or care. The fact that I broke up made me become heartless.

"I am sorry, I can't do this!". I sighed! Here goes away my fuck! Another drama queen.

Usually when people think about love, they only plan the first exquisite feeling they share for the first weeks or maybe months. Discovering each other, knowing more about their lifestyles, meeting friends and starting to be a couple. What we always miss is the ending phase. Most of us know that its realization is imminent, but we tend to stretch the passion the longest possible. This behavior becomes the rule even when it is the dying phase: trying to make it work. In that stage, all spent power to resurrect the dying love is actually the double sided knife that makes hurt bigger and deeper.

Breaking-up is as simple as falling in love. It's a phase, just a transitional period. We just need strength to admit that we actually have to pass that thin red line, willingly, before it becomes humiliating.

Seeing my best friend suffering all the past months, trying to believe in their love makes me very sad and helpless. Even though I had to be the supporting person, I couldn't but let out the truth: maybe he is amazing. Maybe she is perfect. But they are not meant for each other!

That's another issue: two great persons don't necessarily make one great relationship.

In fact, three years ago, I met Arnau. By far, I classify him as the sexiest person I laid my eyes on: with his naturally tanned skin, made more shiny with his weekly exposure to sun and sea due to the sports he used to play; along with his wide deep black eyes, blue black soft hair combed all spiky and wild, broad shoulders and wonderful teeth in the most attractive smile; Arnau was one of the default Yahoo! avatars, or sexy D&G models.

When we first met online, I wasn't sure if he would be willing to meet me. Each and every one of us knows his leagues, even if we don't really admit it to ourselves sometimes, but his striking man look in his display picture with his Black Jack dog would intimidate John of Desperate Housewives himself!

The next week-end, we went to the movies together. Surprisingly, things went good. Excellent in fact; we kissed after driving him to his place. I knew that he was in a relationship and that it had just ended, and I literarily cursed the person who left him. Such a hottie should be raised on a pedestal!

Three weeks later, it was the new year's eve and we decided being together in my friend's house party.

Since this was soon after my dead relationship, I had huge problems of security and self confidence. Mainly: tryst. Wasted, we danced, flirted and kissed; but when another person I knew was in the gig, I couldn't help myself making out with him as well. Arnau was offended: not only I was making out with someone else, but I actually left him in the middle of a conversation to kiss!

Cheap, it was. Mean, I acted.

I knew I couldn't talk to him anymore, especially after he went to the balcony and started mingling with the rest of the people.

Two and a half years later, I met Mario. The night he played Geri Halliwell's Calling track in my car; capturing my heart and soul and making me melt in the cheesiest way, I knew that he was Arnau's ex boyfriend.

Two great people, don't usually make one great relationship. At least that's what I learnt and saw.

Whenever your heart is blocked, it's about time to start using your brains! It is not bad to admit that love is over, it doesn't diminish you as a human being. It is okay to accept the end. Goodbyes are meant to exist, happen and survive. There are always signs that show that this relationship is ending, accept them, embrace them and cherish them even. Think about how things were, and try to keep the good memory. If you fell in love once and it ended, you should be grateful that you had lived this unique wonderful feeling. Not many who have tasted it, truthfully.

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March 06, 2008

... and then more than a Year passed!

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