November 09, 2012


This is my last sanctuary.

Fuck facebook statuses, Blackberry lines, Twitter tweets, they are all too exposing.
I am fighting a couple of tears, leaned down on my mac. Brother is around me: I got to hold them back. Elevator Girl is playing on TV, not helping much.

I can barely hold this bursting fear and distress inside of me: my whole body is shaking under the thought that I might be really falling in love: but for how long?

We have been dating for the past few weeks and it is fucking fireworks, unicorns shitting rainbows and faggot gnomes jumping in gardens. I spare you the useless details as they only mean a lot to the person concerned, those kind of details that make you have a stupid smile and look distant.

"Look at that car", he said, "one of my favourites. Along with the Audi. I am not a car freak or fan, but some vehicles are just out of this world!"

Friends were waiting for us in that club, we were thirty minutes late but who fucking cares: we are together. To hell with anyone else. The setup was perfect: dressed nicely, smelling fresh perfume whenever I rotate my head, white slim fit shirt tucked in my new favourite brownish pants. I lost more weight around the waist and muscles started being more firm, I've got to change my favourite brownish pants with a smaller size now.

I smiled at his comment and gazed out of the window, when it fucking stroke me as a lightening in this strange hot November Cairo night:
"If I had more secure stay in Egypt, I would get one of those"

My mouth dried. Completely. "More secure stay"? "WHAT?" "What THE FUCK do you mean??" -it all rushed  in my head. My eyes lost their spark and I retreated with my fake smile that I can't control appearing when I am feeling fucking bitter.

He kept talking, but my world froze there. Can't recall anything he said afterwards, fuck why would I even care about anything else.

I don't want to start creating other memories that will haunt me, I have fucking enough of those. I don't want to start obsessing (and fuck me I am a fucking paranoid person to start with) over every little details. I knew that he doesn't stay longer than 2 years in every country.. I met him a year and a half later already: do I only have 6 months to go? Is that the toll? IS THIS FUCKING IT?

Look at all the "I" I put up there: I am a fucking spoiled kind, I don't share my toys and I don't give away my toys. I collect every bit that I own and keep it ever after. I am not willing to start something (fuck me it already started already!) and then what? Ciao? Farewell? Nice to meet you? Go fuck others and let's forget about all this?

My throat is closing now. Shivers are growing from inside of me into my eyes. I hate gambling, I am not a gambler by any means... I hate risks. I hate not calculated events.

I don't know what to do; in fact I am doing the worst thing even: I am surrendering to his charms and ready to carry whatever consequences come later.
I won't be heart broken more than what I have witnessed. I am too old for this already.

Am I?