September 15, 2011

:: Right Back

I've been working on myself for the past, fuck knows how long. I stayed away from the usual things and dipped myself into the eccentric, bizarre, uncommon actions -whether that is partying, travelling, sex, changing my career, defining my real preferences in life, cutting out people, letting in new individuals, facing and solving personal issues or just facing and coping with several death news either close or distant.

I can say that I am happy with who I am today, right now. I have managed creating myself a new comfort zone, completely different than the old one. A newer place where I always wanted to belong; a distant dream it was. I still need to trim and enhance some of its aspects but I am pretty glad with what it is already.

Yet again I get very confused with my emotions: I never knew how to sort them out. How to understand them or define them. Am I a loner? Or am I convincing myself that I am one?

Relationships never worked for me. Twice in my life, and one of them was a challenge and "best fit" rather than just love. I feel asphyxiated, crippled and controlled. I get too obsessed by the person and his life. Jealousy, complete domination and anxiety. I just feel like I want to end it, cure myself and give him peace.

I start browsing and whoring on the dating sites, browser-based on mobile-enhanced ones. Partying. Loud music beats. Drugs. And feeling excellent. I am my own commander. Date and travel alone.

And then again it strikes me: I meet someone; even though he is in a 2-years open relationships; we can't stop texting each other all the time, listening to the electro beats all night while destroying bottles of whiskey, E, hash or just getting high just being there.

My last manjam, manhunt, gayromeo, gaydar login? Over two weeks now.

I am happy where I am now. I think I'll enjoy this comfort zone for a little while.