I just can't get enough
It's the feeling that I love
I just can't get enough
It's the feeling that I love
I've never felt, like this before
I've never wanted, lovin' more
I just want to say I need you
And it feels good when I'm with you
Can't you see
I Just can't get enough
It's the feeling that I love
Even though I am not used to blogging about an actual event that hadn’t ended yet, I couldn’t help but letting this one out, hoping that I would really reach an inner closure that would help me move on with what had been going on and the way it evolved.
When I saw him coming online after more than a year, I haven't had in mind any clue that I would be falling that deep for him. Something about Carl's new display picture captivated my attention, and I was thrilled when he started the chat:
"Wuz up dude?", the MSN window popped up.
"Fine mate, what about you?", I answered, eagerly wanting to know more about that hot guy.
"All's cool, so ur frm Cairo?", he asked quickly.
I confirmed. He then said:
"Am coming 2moro night. Care to meet?"
As if he was asking if Winnie the Pooh loved Honey.
"Sure! When will you be here?", I asked.
"Around midnight, he said, I'll call when i'm on my way".
I was excited, just because of a picture and a simple date. I liked the way Carl sounded over the chat. His simple straight forward date and meet way was captivating. He then said:
"You know, we really need 2 hire an IT manager in our company here in Alexandria. Care 2 send ur CV?"
I was puzzled: usually -according to the local gay rules in Egypt- we tend to keep our identity unknown, especially when it comes to where we work or live; but Carl just went to the next level sending me his business e-mail, as well as the Human Resources one in order to forward my Curriculum Vitae. His simple and innocent way only made me feel wilder and more attracted to him.
The next day, as agreed, Carl called me at 11:30PM.
"Digg, I am in Master on Alex Cairo desert road. I'll be there in like an hour. Still down?"
"Yeah! I am actually in Maadi with a friend. By the time you're in Cairo I'll be done."
"Cool, see you then cute!".
Those 60 minutes flew, and I was driving to Mohandessin in order to meet him as scheduled. While driving near Mostafa Mahmoud mosque, I had that strange feeling that I will see him before I park and boy was I right. Right in front of me was his car. I kept horning and flashing the lights while calling him:
"How incredible is this? I just recognized you and I felt like we'd bump into each other before setting a place to meet!"
"Duuude!, he quickly said, that's awesome! Park here!"
When I opened my car's door, there he was waiting for me, even sexier than the pictures and more attractive than I pictured him to be: Carl was one of those guys whose pictures weren't giving him his real share in his natural sexy self.
When I got in his car, he was playing David Guetta's Sensation White 2007 track.
"So you're into House music?", I asked.
"Dude! I am totally living for House, Trance and Techno. While driving to Cairo, the beat was my companion all the way long!"
My man! I thought. He kept impressing me more and more with his little details and twists.
"You look tensed", he then said.
I was. Not only because I had a hectic day and an incident happened with the guy I was meeting in Maadi, but I felt intimidated by Carl. He had many things that I loved to acquire: the real organization between Work life and Fun life -he had the concept that I always kept in mind "work hard, party like an animal".
Recently, I had noticed how I become quickly intimidated by people who impress me. I tend to reflect the silent guy feeling -boring maybe which doesn't fit with my outgoing persona. I might relate that to the fact that I worry that the person who I see better than me in certain fields might lose interest in me if I let the inner me out. While I see that being myself is one of the unique people that might be encountered, I worry that me wouldn't match with him. I have experienced that in several dates and I became sure about it when I totally overcame the intimidated feeling, I totally change and reflect the raw, simple and talkative me.
Carl stoke me with his music, lifestyle and looks. His 212 perfume played on my strings while he scrolled his Nano, streaming the beats that he liked most. Seeing me enjoying more and more, he turned the volume up letting the drums flow from his Xplod car stereo and hitting me right in the heart of my soul. He then opened the gloves door and took out a rolled butt of hash:
"Smoke up?", he asked while handing it to me.
I hadn't smoked hash before, but I was willing to. I believe that partying not only requires alcohol, but mixture of exctacy, hash and a hot date. I gently refused, not only because it would be my first time, but I didn't see it suitable smoking in the car -what would happen next after being stoned?
He then handed me a Marlboro and lowered the sound while asking:
"So, Digg, what's up with you ya walad?".
I smiled, intimidated, then answered:
"I am feeling great! I love the music, the company, everything!"
He laughed then said:
"So, tell me more about you, boy!", I knew that this his familiar slang with his friends since he never stopped saying it even while answering the phone.
"Well, what would you like to know about me?", I asked, trying to keep the conversation alive while not sounding that boring. I really had nothing in mind to say, or; in other words, the rush of thoughts kept my tongue frozen.
"Anything about you! You ever been in a relationship before? Have you been abroad? What's your favorite food!".
I instantly thought about my ex partner. I knew I wouldn't stop myself talking and talking about how good it was, yet devastating at the end; but I had taken a promise, right after I wrote the Him series entries that I would totally abstain myself from falling in that dark pit again. I simply talked about the highlights, preventing myself from talking about lousy details.
After a few talks, he then said:
"More beat?", I nodded.
"I like this track, a bit old, but amazing!", he said while scrolling his iPod. Beats started sounding and I recognized the song. I had forgotten about it, but it stroke me hard, especially when Maya was melodically rhyming: "For the first time, you've got me baby!". He really did get me, and I was loving it.
We kept driving around, singing along and raving in the car. It felt good connecting with someone who had most of the shallow things that attracted me to anyone: the looks, the perfume, the music, the urge of living large! When we started talking about Nadia Ali, I wanted to bring my iPod from my car in order to play the awesome Recon Mix for all her songs. We parked next to my vehicle and when I played the music, Carl just laid back relaxing in his seat touching me with his crossed leg. While spinning the tracks, his warm touch started exciting me; and I was more worried that I would screw everything up with any unexpected silly move or word. I had to balance my look, attitude and even the way I moved with the music. I started doubting if I don't trust myself anymore!
It was almost 3 AM by then, and I had early work day the next morning. He touched my leg with his finger then said:
"So, boy, what are your plans for tonight?"
I looked at the clock and acted as if I didn't know the time; then said amazed:
"Shit! It's freaking late already!".
He smiled then said: "You don't have to drive back home, you know; you can spend the night with me then head to your office in the morning."
I tried finding a convincing excuse not staying, simply because I was extremely intimidated by him; and I wanted to make sure that we'd meet again. I had that obsession that if we have sex, he might never call me again; and that would really hurt me and destroy the efforts that I was invensting. I wasn't seeking for a boyfriend, neither a steady fuck buddy -but I just wanted to extend those moments; as if they will never end. I wanted to feel the rush; the excitement; the pleasure. I didn't want to screw all that with sex that would leave me broken hearted afterwards. I know my idea about dating might sound strange: things evolve from one stage to the other, yet I always wanted to freeze anything in its first stage, worrying about what would turn out later to be.
I quickly answered:
"I would have loved to, but I need to be formal and I don't have my suite with me."
"Are you sure? You can always leave an hour earlier and quickly go home. Roads will be empty by then."
I was scared. I shouldn't go home. I mustn't go home. I do not want to screw things up.
"Next time I promise you. Listen, I am coming next week-end to Alexandria! What about that? It has been a while and we'll have all our time."
He smiled; smartly, then said:
"That would be terrific!"
It was time for me to leave. I did well so far. While leaving, he tried lip kissing me, but a simple head twist made sure his kiss would land on my cheek.
Why am I complicating everything?
Like a school kid, as soon as I got home, I texted him:
Hey! It was quiet charming seeing you tonight : ) Loved the music.
Will see you this week-end in Alex then if all goes well. Hope you're cool with it : )
I waited for answer. I received none; slept holding my mobile; and woke up disappointed.
When I reached the office, he was online and initiated the chat:
"Hey dude! How r u?".
Excited, I answered:
"Great, you woke up early this morning.", I said, trying not to ask him why he hadn't answered my previous night's SMS.
"I barely slept for 2 hrs. I went home at 6 in the mornin. Was out with a friend."
I cannot quiet assure what I felt was jealousy, but more like a threat. Was he cooler than me? More entertaining? Did he enjoy his time with him more than he did with me? Is that why he hadn't texted me back?
I shook all the paranoid questions off my head then said:
"So you should be picking up your friend from the airport shortly, right?"
"Yeah, he answered, his flight got delayed a bit so i'm just relaxing on bed, stealing wireless from my neighbor!"
I smiled. He then said:
"It was so fun meetin u yesterday really. Did u enjoy it?", about time he would ask about it, comforting me.
"Yeah, I loved the music and the company", I answered, trying not to sound too excited about him.
I quickly typed:
"Wait I make reservations in Alexandria!"
"Cool", he answered.
After confirming everything I announced:
"Next Thursday I will be in Alexandria for two nights!".
He was excited about it, or at least that's what I thought then. He had to leave soon after in order to go to the airport, promising me a good time when I will be in Alex. It was Monday, and I couldn't wait. I promised back that I would call him that night to make sure he arrived safely back home in Alexandria; and he said he would be expecting.
6:43 PM - ringing. No answer. I thought he would be sleeping. I give him his excuse.
11:56 PM - ringing. No answer. Is he hibernating?
12:27 AM - I sent an SMS wondering if everything was alright. No answer.
I haven't called back; but waited for any sign. It was Wednesday night and I was worried going to Alexandria and end up, again, lonely and isolated; that time for two nights in a row.
When I reached Alexandria on Thursday morning, I just gathered my strength in order to break my pride and sent him:
"Digg is in Alexandria"; and I forgot about it. I settled a couple of dates and friends in order to pass a somehow pleasant stay there.
All day no call, no sign, no answer. I couldn't understand why he had totally changed his idea about me. I believe he had passed a good time with that single night we spent together, he admitted it himself the next morning initiating the chat with me. If I was just another boring person, he would have blocked me or had made up a million excuse not to see me on Thursday. I was sure he sounded excited when he knew that I would visit him the week-end after.
What the fuck went wrong then? It was haunting me, and eating me up. That's when he called around 8:00 PM. I waited for several rings then answered, again, hiding any emotion or feeling I had:
"Hey you! How are you?"
"I'm good dude!"
I quickly said: "I am in Alexandria!"
He answered: "Yeah, I know! Listen, what are your plans for tonight?". I jumped off the bed, while keeping the same monotonous speech:
"ummm, nothing much I believe. I am with a friend now staying for a while, then no plans later at night."
"Cool then, I am going out with my office colleagues for a shisha then, let's say, pass by you around midnight?".
"Sounds great!", I answered, bouncing with pleasure.
I spent the remaining hours with my friend, counting the minutes till the time we meet. At 10:24, he called:
"Hey boy, what's up? Still with your friend?"
"He's leaving now actually, so what's up with you, boy?", I said.
"Look, my friends here want to have a drink and smoke up a bit, I'll call you after, cool?"
After? Smoking and drinking will disconnect him. There is no after in this case! Was he canceling our outing in a smart way, then close his cell or not answer my calls like he always did and disappear? I agreed to wait after, I had no choice.
I waited for an hour, burning. I texted him then around 11:36 PM:
Mate; I am mega tired. I guess I will hit the bed now.
No answer. I wore my best shirt, locked my belt, sprayed my CK's Crave perfume and hit the bar: if I weren't going to go out with him, let the alcohol be my companion. I ordered cocktails, tequilla shots and somewhere in between, I wanted to text him again. Alcohol made my real desire pop up, and I was desperately in need seeing him again. I just phrased:
They keep fucking knocking in the hotel somewhere for renovation. Can't really sleep! Listen, call me up if you're on for something later - I might be up.
How desperate can this be? I was worse than a horny Susan Mayers, even way beyond Gabrielle Solis' lies in order to hunt a guy.
Totally drunk and off mood, I came back to my room. Slowly undressing and not even caring to change my clothes, I slipped in naked under the sheets. At 2:15 in the morning, my phone rang. Carl was still up:
"Heeeeyyy boy!", stoned, drunk he was -not better than me.
"You finally called!", I answered.
"Still up?", he asked. "Yeah", I answered. "I will be under your hotel in 5 minutes!".
I jumped in the shower, then my clothes and tried maintaining a straight walk while rushing down the 11 floors in the elevator.
There he was waiting for me downstairs in his car, with fresh beats of David Guetta.
When I got in, I could see how wasted he was; and I loved it more. He turned me on even beyond, with alcohol screwing both our logics.
He warmly welcomed me, and started driving; trying to keep the car going on one lane. He then quickly proposed having a party: the mood was set for that blast. He called his friends and were all coming to his place in Agami. Quickly; he drove us to his villa; parked, took his iPod and laptop and walked in. In less than 5 minutes, an experienced after parties host, he set everything up and the beats were rocking the area.
Everything was terrific: the music, the booze, atmosphere and most of all: the mood. Seeing him dancing me, turning me even wilder and in horrible desire to hold him close and taste his lips. Around 5 AM people left, leaving us with the music and the lust. He lowered the volume while keeping the projector on displaying some Sensation White event on the wall, hugged me on the sofa where I was sitting and softly whispered in my ear:
"Not tired yet?", I smiled and slowly tilted my head backwards to rest on his shoulder and said:
"I'm down for anything". He held my hand and massaged my back. It felt good, so good. He then said:
"So you're spending the night with me?". He then added: "I guess we're too fucked up to drive back to the hotel anyway!"
I nodded; he gently held me and while closing the laptop's lid, slowly pressed his lips against mine. Electricity went through my whole body. He touched my back; and I swooned while listening to the distant beat. He then pulled me to the bedroom, while saying: "Let's play something soft" -and by soft he played Nadia Ali.
On the bed, we both laid back. He held me; just held me tight, my head on his chest; and started talking. For over 45 minutes we just talked about many things. I let out some of my feelings regarding my ex partner, explained to him how good I was feeling and most of all, for the first time, he talked to me about his previous relationship:
"We stayed for 3 months together, he was playing me!"
I turned a bit while wondering why.
He continued: "He was in relationship with some guy; and was with me as well!"
It suddenly flashed before my eyes; I wanted to make sure that he was talking about the same person I thought he could be.
Carl kept on talking: "When he introduced me to him, he said he was his close friend. I believe he had told him the same thing. When I knew the real nature of their relation, I just ended everything. I couldn't bare the lying and deceiving he was doing. A big lie, his life."
When he told me more about the guy, I knew he was talking about the ex boyfriend of Miky, my Enigma guy. Miky told me about a similar story and I quickly related. How small the world could be? There I was, sleeping in the arms of the man who Miky hated most -and it wasn't his fault.
While talking, I was caressing his arm; and when we reached the peak, Carl moved on top of me and started kissing me softly. His experienced lips and tongue were perfectly making me burn and asking for more. His little games and our comprehensible and playful moaning were our language along with our bodies'. While undressing him and taking off my shirt, a whole sensation of comfort surrounded me. I felt right; so right. As if the universe made sure that I would be there that time, that moment, that instant enjoying him and letting all my desires out.
He was kissing my neck when he stamped a love bite. Even though I don't always like it, I wanted to keep one from him. I didn't care about what my colleagues at work would say, or even my friends. It was right; and it had to be correct all the way long. As if he knew my method, he followed the same slow undressing rate, making sure that he would let both of us discover each other's bodies in every stage: fully dressed, shirtless, without pants and letting us explore each other's bodies slowly, extending the desire and making sure that the flood of adrenaline and testosterone flood intensively in both our veins; making them in contact by our lustful kisses and touches.
If all this pleasure was a sin, I'd rather live as an atheist.
For 4 hours, we had sex, listening to the beat slowly surrounding us. Carl was good, and it was right. When we were done, he gently kissed me; and held me tight. Like an embryo, he made sure he was inside of me. Tightly, I surrounded him with my arms and legs. He slept; and I watched him sleeping till tiredness took control of my eyes; and slept.
Since it wasn't my bed, half an hour later; I woke up. Even though the blinds were shut, light was reflecting shadows in the room. For a second, I had to realize where I was, and when I felt his warm body still sticking to mine, I smiled; then slept again.
Around 11 in the morning, we both woke up by my alarm sounding in the living room. Carl smiled when he opened his eyes, stretched, then quickly went to bring the mobile to me. I quickly turned if off while dismissing the messages that I received: I didn't want to get disconnected by anything during those precious moments. I made sure I'd save shots of every thing in my mind.
"Let's go?", he proposed while stretching again on bed. I knew he had errands to do since Friday is his only day off. We quickly dressed and collected the remaining of the previous night's wild party. When I got in his car, I loved the way he looked totally fucked up and tired. When I looked in the mirror, I was worse; especially that I hadn't had much sleep at all. When he dropped me infront of my hotel; Nadia Ali's Rebel song was sounding in the car; and in my head.
"See you later, ya walad", he said while driving off.
He hadn't called me again that day; and I didn't want to call him because I didn't want the possibility that he wouldn't answer me spoil the great feeling I was having.
When I got back to Cairo, and knew about David Guetta's concert in Sharm, scheduled December 20th 2007, I quickly thought about Carl. When I was waiting for him to answer; I was hoping he would pick up.
"Hey dude!", he greeted me.
Relieved, I answered: "How are you? How is it going in Aelx?"
"It's great over here! Tell me, what are you up to?"
"So you heard about David's concert?", I quickly said, hitting right into the subject.
"No way dude! Are you serious? That would be a fucking blast!".
"Yeah; it's rocking! Listen, I already made reservations in Marriott Sharm just in case. I have two spare rooms, would you like any?", I was hoping he'd say yes; and it would have been amazing if he would stay in my room instead.
"Yeah; sound great. Listen, my cousin will be coming with me, so make it one double room for us", better than nothing, I thought.
"Deal!", and I hung up.
Three days later, I knew about Tiesto's featuring Nadia Ali and Jess concert in Sharm as well on December 2nd. After making the reservations in the hotel, I called Carl. No answer. Three missed calls, and no answer. I sent a message:
"Hey mate, call me when you get this text, I've got hot news!"
He hadn't called back; and I was disappointed. I was really wondering by then what was my situation with him: how does he see me. Who am I to him? I don't want to accept the fact that I am just another guy he slept with; yet that was the concrete truth.
The next morning, Carl was appearing offline on the MSN and initiated the talk:
"How are you, boy?".
Till when would I hide my feelings?
"So Tiesto on the 2nd!", I announced.
"Yeah", he typed, "I might go, not sure yet!"
"I've got rooms reserved just in case."
"Well; if I will go, I will be having other plans since I know the organizers"; he answered.
And the chat ended; as fast as it started.
By the following Thursday, I got a call from him:
"Three words: Marco V in Thrust", he said as I answered.
"I know! I am going mate!", I said all excited that he finally called me for the first time on his own.
"Great! I will see you there then.", he said.
"We are on our way; how is it?"
I tried to yell as much as I could in order for him to hear me: "It's rocking dude! Come quickly, Marco is already spinning!".
He said something I couldn't hear. He texted me instead:
"Do you have extacy?"
I replied: "No, I couldn't arrange any and my extacy friends didn't show up!"
"I am on my way", he answered back.
While dancing on the stage with my date and my girl friend, I spotted Carl next to me. I slowly went next to him among all the drunken fellows and pinched him. He slowly turned around and when he recognized me, we hugged and motioned that the music rocks. I so wanted to tell him that everytime I saw him, he just made me fall too deep. What is wrong with saying emotions out loud? Why do we always tend to control them? Is it the fact that we are afraid to be disappointed? If so, isn't the whole life a series of disappointments that you only experience and recognize when you dare doing something and take risks? My date came closer to me and Carl looked at him in a peculiar way: I couldn't actually identify whether it was jealousy or just curiosity and wondering who that hot dude could be. He had a phone call, and went off the dance floor.
Two hours later, while walking out, I found him relaxing with his friends in the Intercon's lounge sofa. He waved at me. I quickly walked and saluted him. He said hi to my date and then said: "After party at my place! I tried calling you but your phone is off!", I took out my i-mate and found it out of charge. By that time, my date was feeling uncomfortable and had to leave. I quickly suggested that I would drive him and asked Carl to wait for me, since there was no mean of communication. He confirmed. My date insisted on leaving alone, but I couldn't do that to him, especially that he I had known him for years before but things didn't work out because 5 years ago, he had to leave Egypt and work abroad.
It took me one hour to take the car out of parking: everybody was sleeping and I was irritated as time was flying. I wanted to go back to Carl and spend the night in his After Party. While driving my date; he slowly said:
"Your friends, they look strange".
"In what way", I answered.
"I don't know, they don't look comfortable to me."
I smiled then said: "They are the party animals friends. Drugs, music, after parties, alcohol!"
He took a deep breath then said: "Could you not go to that after party, please?"
I smiled; and didn't answer. I wanted to go. Carl was mesmerizing me.
An hour and fifteen minutes later, I was in the Intercon's lobby -empty. I looked around, then looked at my dead phone; smiled and thought that my date's wish had just come true.
Even though we occasionally chat together; Carl and I, and even though I am dying to call him up -I just can't make it. Since he hadn't invited me to join him in Tiesto's concert after that my friends won't be able to make it and explaining to him that I would go alone, I might not make it after all. I believe I'd better be waiting for David Guetta's concert instead, since he will be with me in the same hotel.
What are my expectations? Very high; and that's my problem. What makes me always feeling down is the fact that I always expect very high actions from the guy that I have a crush on; instead of thinking correctly and keeping in mind that we are both enjoying the moment -and that should be enough and fulfilling.
Carl fascinated me with his lifestyle; and that's what I discovered in my journey so far: everyone I had a crush on wasn't for who he was, but for what he had that impressed me. I try to copycat it and make it mine; and once I acquire that specific point that made me fall, I just walk away. No one of my dates; including those I blogged about, made me like him as in himself. It's always something in him.
It took me a while to figure that out; and it scares me a lot.
Till David Guetta's concert day, if you happen to pass next to a car that is playing loud House music, specifically Maya's "For the first time", probably it is me; remembering how fabulous it was with Carl; and wishing that on the David's Guetta's night; I'd be having some After Party in my hotel room with Carl. I surely can't get enough of him; and I am asking for more; even though it's quiet intoxicating.
Everytime I'm with you
And everytime we meet
I just stop myself from telling you
I'm falling too deep
The way your'e walking by
And the way you caught my eye
And the way I feel so bad when we say goodbye
For the first time
You've got me baby