February 22, 2007

:: Him (interlude)

" Don't want to think about it,
Don't want to talk about it,
I'm just so sick about it,
Can't believe it's ending this way.
Just so confused about it,
Feeling the blues about it,
I just can't do without ya,
Tell me is this fair? "

- Justin Timberlake.

Picture this: A warm summer night in mid April, about three years after their mere souls had met. Right next to the wall on which they planted the Honeysuckle with its sweet white yellowish flowers which aroma was delightfully covering the whole garden, by that time reduced to become a garage for His family's cars, right on top of the large marble steps that lead to His family's house entrance; Digg stood in front of Him shacked, unfocused with an urge to cry, if only his head could fully get what He was telling him.

There, right infront of Digg, He was sitting, crossing his legs while wearing a white sortie-de-bain that He had bought earlier from Malaysia. Calmly and confidently, He was stressing on one decision, His own. That time, He didn't seem threatening Digg with what He was saying or wanted to make him reconsider what they have been fighting about, that time it was real. He was sure and decided. Digg could barely stop himself from acting foolishly and diminishing himself more and beyond the limit that a Leo guy could draw for his Pride, but surely he was acting according to his Love enslavement.

Four hours earlier, Digg was planing the usual 3rd of each month's outing with Him. He was doing it just because they were used to do it, out of habit. If it was up to him, Digg wouldn't have even thought about reserving in La Casetta their favorite table number 3, wouldn't have spent the whole day thinking what to wear and how to look, and most importantly, how to conceal the mess he was feeling inside. He kept on lying to himself, even if they were separated by then. He went back to his family's house and Digg had to stay alone in his place; the given reason was that He had to be next to His parents helping them renovate their house, although on the last day they were living together in their place, Digg ran into Him in City Stars mall having a date, instead of picking the new bathroom with His parents as He had claimed before He went out that night, comforting Digg that He would quickly check what His parents wanted and would be back early.

I still remember how I felt, and it still hurts.

Digg called Him up to confirm the outing, even though his bitter sweet voice was announcing a storm, Digg really wanted to make that phase pass. For him, it was just another broken moment revolving that they would definitely come over with their love and strong belief in their shared future. Digg was addicted to a toxin that his very own brain was producing to ease his pain, while slowly destroying his self esteem, confidence and belief functions. The way Digg built a castle surrounding both of him and his partner was making him feel that a Trojan Horse could never get inside their protected life. There could be inner riots sometimes, but things had to calm down soon after, by all means: Troy had to survive.

"When will you pass by?", asked Digg while walking towards the balcony, a hand on the front of his head while the other firmly holding his cellular phone, as he always does when he is on his nerves. "I reserved tonight in La Casetta."

"You finally called!", He answered.

"I should call you, as always."

"Well, I'll pass around, 10 is cool?"

Digg looked around him while opening the balcony and stepping out to have some fresh air: "But we can't go like this. Too much tension, don't you think? We should talk about it."

Silence, that seemed like ages for both of them. He slowly said: "I dun wanna talk about nothing. If you'll be going out tonight while looking like crap so we dun meet better, OK?"

"How? How you don't wanna talk about it! Hey! I can't go out like this anyway.. we have to meet and talk reasonably! This is going beyond than whatever I could bare!"

"Digg, I told you, I dun need shit tonight. I'm going out with my friends. Salam!", and He hung up. For the first time, Digg's rage couldn't be controlled. He SMSed Him, called Him and asked Him to meet. When he got no response, Digg decided going to His place, if He didn't have enough courage to come over and talk about it like adults, Digg should go knock on His door and force Him to talk.

While driving, Digg kept remembering how things suddenly changed, how he found himself in a split of a second with a person that wasn't the same that he had fell in love with 3 years before. Digg could barely remember those delicate nights when He used to pass by him every Friday, at midnight, after He had finished work. How Digg used to count 6 days, then 24 hours till He called him: "Come down, I'm waiting". Digg couldn't shake the picture of His eager eyes and thrilling touch when He met him downstairs. Digg wouldn't trade anything in the world for those nights when He used to drive aimlessly in the dark Korba streets and just talk about everything. Digg would never let go the pictures and moments he keeps in his mind when they first traveled together to Dahab, and for the first time, their in need bodies, lusting for each other's warm touch, met and expressed their desires. The first seconds they kissed, the way they undressed, the passion they expressed, the moments of holding each other's bodies all night long, crept in that King size bed while the House Radio played Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits that they asked the Concierge to queue, could never be erased from Digg's existence. The days they spent looking for a house, difficulties they faced but comfort they got later was beyond any explanation.

Why? Why did You trade all this? Were You living a lie?

Digg couldn't also easily forget the day when He decided starting His new and final game, commonly used and exhausted by its playbacks. He announced having a dream. In Hell it was. "Digg I can't keep on having this with you. That dream I had, it was too real and vivid. I'm not gonna waste both of our eternal lives because of some earthly related lusts and desires".

Was it because of earthly and mortal lusts and desire, or was it Me, holding You back from Your mortal lusts and desires?

Digg was driving faster now, he wanted to reach His place and understand what He was wanted, that time. As he was pressing on the gaz pedal, he remembered how he was squeezed by Him when He was going with Digg home, playing Quran in the car all the time and keeping different explanatory books about "Death", "Armageddon Day", "Tomb Torture" and "Prayers for the Dead". Digg found himself out of control, for the past 3 weeks things haven't been changed. No more talk except about Religion, no more laughs, no more cuddling, no more sex: two strangers sharing an apartment. Digg took the newly discovered booklets and went through quickly. He suddenly looked at Him and asked:
"What is that?"

"I know you never believed in Religion, Digg. This is what we are and we'll be doomed", He answered while taking the right turn in Khalifa al Ma'moun Street.

"How do you judge me like this? You have been going extreme for the past month! Enough!"

"This is how things are gonna be, for good".

"Death? Prayers for the Dead? One day, you'll read these on my Tomb", answered Digg while throwing the booklets against the car's windshield. He can vaguely remember what he said in that rage he felt, but he remembers going out of the car.. and remembers how He threw Digg's CK Crave perfume off the window, and how he saw it being smashed by His car's back tires.

Digg reached His place, parked infront of the big entrance and called Him. No answer. He wouldn't ignore an SMS saying that Digg was waiting outside. A couple of minutes later, He opened the Gate, while He was wearing His white sortie-de-bain. "I was showering, Digg! Wait for me in the garden. I'll be right back!". Digg was silent, his trembling body wasn't helping him. He missed Him a lot. It was the first time they met and talked after the dinner they had had together. Digg remembers well when he saw Him accidentally in City Stars Mall: He looked so fine. What a lucky date He had! He tried convincing Digg that He was meeting His straight friends. Digg wanted to believe. He believed Him even after he came back to the Mall, and, again, saw Him walking out in a hurry and taking off with His car. When Digg asked Him the following morning what He had done the night before, He said that he stayed in City Stars till 1 AM. Digg wanted to live in lies, because he loved His lies.

Slowly, Digg walked up the marble steps and looked at the Honeysuckle's yellow flower. He knows how much time it took to fix all those nails in place to give the plant the space to grow and cover the wall. He couldn't stop a smile on his face when he remembered watering them then turned the hose on Him. He laughed, jumped over Digg while making sure he would get totally soaking wet.. wasn't that almost a year ago? Why things changed? Digg couldn't understand, and he was ready to sacrifice more for the person he loved.

He came out after twenty minutes, sat down on the white chair and asked Digg:

"Why are you here?"

"We needed to talk. I can't bare it anymore. Why are you so distant? I do miss you."

"Digg, I am afraid that... it can't be anymore."

I stood in front of Him shacked, unfocused with an urge to cry, if only my head could fully get what He was telling me. Was He serious? He is saying it.

"No. We can. We can always fix this."

He crossed his legs and said: "Digg, I tried a lot; but I am tortured. This is not correct what we are doing. I was hinting all the time but you refused listening. I might be breaking your heart now, but trust me, this is for our good."

I couldn't stop my tears from dropping. I was actually listening to what I feared most. I dropped on my knees, and begged him. I can never forget that picture, how humiliated I was, but I am not regretting it, not for the one I loved:

"Please don't say that. We can find a common ground, I can live with this but don't leave me."

"Digg, you are a great person", He said while leaning forward, "I want you as a friend".

That wasn't in my relationships dictionary. Friends can evolve into lovers, but it doesn't downgrade. I refused the concept. I refused to give up.

Three months later, I had to give up.

Three months more, I knew the truth.

A year later, I saw his fucks, dates, cheats, relationships, reputation, lies.

Today, I am still not over Him.

Him, If you read this, know that I don't regret a single moment that I spent with you. I am still in Love with the person you were with me during those precious 3 years of our lives; even if they were a lie to you, they were the concrete truth for me.

He, I am still keeping my promise that I told you in our last phone call we had 18 months ago. I can see you couldn't keep yours.

You, bare in mind one thing: What goes around, comes around. Twice.

" Hey Boy,
Is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world,
You had me in the palm of your hand.
So why your love went away,
I just can't seem to understand.
Thought it was me and you, baby;
Me and you until the end.
But I guess I was wrong.

Don't want to think about it,
Don't want to talk about it,
I'm just so sick about it,
Can't believe it's ending this way.
Just so confused about it,
Feeling the blues about it,
I just can't do without ya,
Tell me is this fair?

Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Shoulda known better when you came around,
That you were gonna make me cry,

Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around,
Cause I know that you're living a lie,
But that's ok, baby, cause in time you will find:
What goes around, goes around, goes around, don't go away, back around "

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February 18, 2007

:: I Fell For an Enigma - [Part II]

" Everything is you
How can I pull through
My heart is consumed I'm so confused
Still caught up in you. Love can be so cruel
Baby don't know how to turn you loose "

- Mariah Carey.

Adrenaline rushed in my veins when his warm lips were pressing against mine, parking next to my car, making me fall deeper in his Rabbit's Hole. Poor Alice, if she had only known what would be waiting for her on the other side, she wouldn't have followed him from the first place; nor would have I.

I blushed. He slowly touched my cheek, and for the first time, I saw deep inside his eyes; even though the street was dimmed because of some missing lamps. I couldn't think about what to say or what to do in such confusing, unexpected, amazingly delighting moment. Should I admit to myself Loving him that fast? I couldn't make up my mind about how serious could my feelings be towards him, but I surely did know that I felt secured and happy whenever he was around. I loved his calls and short messages that kept flowing back and forth after his daily Bonjour Digg! SMS. I liked his care and need for my existence, and the way he took my opinion and taste seriously. I melted under his kiss' warmth and passion. I quickly looked in the side mirror, checking if I could leave the car while saying:
- "Well, good night to you too. Call me when you're home". I rushed into my car. Quickly, I took a Marlboro and while taking a very deep breath that almost exhausted my lungs, I watched him driving off slowly. I stayed silent in my car, waiting for something that wasn't coming, wandering and thinking about how bright my days would be if this long waited Kiss was finally the take off sign. I slowly reached for my iPod, pointed at Mariah Carey. Butterfly. Honey. Those lyrics suddenly sounded in my soul, head and lips. While driving back home, I kept on playing it over and over.. "I can hardly wait. For another taste of honey. Honey I can't describe. How good it feels inside". Suddenly I forgot about my past, my sorrow, my sadness as well as my confusion. I felt that I was jumping 9 clouds up, right after rising from deep grounds. Autostrad road was smooth, my long drive from Maadi to Heliopolis was so sweet and even got better when I received a short message from Miky, telling me that he was home already and waiting for my SMS when I would arrive. I wanted to extend those minutes as much as possible, tasting songs in a different way. How magnificent it is when you feel the beat and swoon with the words.

Next morning, we kicked our SMS ping-pong game with the usual Beep! and I Beep Beep! back at him. Neither of us mentioned what had happened the night before. For some reason, both of us were avoiding that incident, but we surely enjoyed it. It could have been our inner fear of progress, or fear of loss. Have I finally understood a Capricorn? Was it real that I could finally balance both our lifestyles correctly? I was falling deeper and deeper in his Fantasy World, his sugar coated Final Destination's RollerCoaster. Happiness was overwhelming me: after almost a year of secretly admiring him and seeing him struggling between the missing love of his old relationship and the need of a new one, listening to all his fake lovers and unworthy one night stands; knowing that I could please him the way he always wanted and imagined, confessing to me his deepest secrets, fetishes and desires; he was mine.

Although I wanted to shout what I was going through to the whole world, I couldn't tell Samer and Shats about it. I wanted to make sure that what I was experiencing was real and ever lasting. I wouldn't accept being a pity topic if things weren't the way I dreamt them to be. I've been locking my feelings towards Miky for a whole year, I guessed that things could wait for another couple of weeks the way they were till the final confirmation would come.

During the following week, both Miky and I couldn't find a suitable free time to meet. I visited him a couple of times in his Guess Store, just to make sure he was alright. In one of the visits, while he was moving away a jacket, looked at me and said:

"He passed by me today."

"Alaa?", I answered instantly, knowing his tone whenever he wanted to talk about his ex-boyfriend.

"Yes. I was very confused!", he said, expressing his confusion with the irritated way he stored the jacket with. I slowly moved behind the counter, took the Guess piece back and said while folding it correctly:

"I always told you that this was gonna happen. He hadn't stopped SMSing you anyway; either expressing how much he wants you back or just annoying you pointlessly!"

"Yeah, quickly answered Miky while looking at his flat screen, he looked strange, with a pony tail. I never liked him with long hair."

"It's not your right anymore, MikyBoy. He's free to do whatever he wants!"

"I know that, I know that Digg."

Once again, I could feel his broken voice immerge between all the haunted memories he had. I slowly moved next to him, held his shoulder and promised him that everything would be alright.

When I got back home that night, I found Shats online. He wanted to talk, and was waiting for me to trigger his button. I quickly ran my fingers on the keyboard asking him about what was keeping him up late till that hour. I knew I shouldn't have asked. I regretted going online that hour. I hated the fact that I was played with. I just lied, barely excused and left the house, driving like crazy. Shats was actually dating Miky for the past week. When I doubted about the huge similarities, although Miky faked almost all of his details, I asked for his number. Instead of saying: Yes! This is him! I found myself confirming to Shats God! No, my Miky doesn't carry that number. During the whole chat, Shats hadn't stopped talking about how happy he was with that guy, how great things were going and how magnificently decent he was. He was wishing for something serious with him, for the first time, the modified male version of Samantha Jones was thinking of commitment. How could I say that Miky was mine?

Driving. Thoughts. Confusion: why? Why Miky? Why making me get this illusion of starting something with you? Why don't you leave me alone? Why every time I felt broken inside and wanted to move away, you called me, asked me, begged me to reconsider and give you another chance? "I can't make it without you, Digg. Please never leave me!", and I promised him I would never go away. Nogoom FM seemed allied with them, playing Elissa's Kermalak. I couldn't help but letting my tears drop when I reached the verse "Anany, enta anany. Ya habibi, Jarreb tensany". [Selfish, you are selfish. Baby, try forgetting me]. She was saying it all in that song, she was exposing what I felt: he just wanted me there, next to him. I, who was in love, struggling and hiding my feelings; trying to please him and his needs. I just parked infront of Heliopolis Hospital, around 3 AM and let my anger steam out: hitting the driving wheel, cursing my ex boyfriend, Miky, Shats.. my luck! I finished a pack of cigarettes that night, went back home totally worn out.. and just slept.

I was clear about it: I shouldn't talk to any of them about it. I knew where I was then, let things be the way it is meant to. I decided doing my best being there, for both of them and making sure never appearing with anyone of them. Miky never mentioned about Shats existence; yet Shats was telling me all the juicy details that would have made the perfect gossip, if I weren't in love. I knew about where they were hanging out, what they did, the reason of their last fight. I was acting cold, faking a smile all the way until Shats called:

"We had sex."

I knew Miky was having sex.. but not this one. I hung up. Called Miky; and just blew it all. Feelings, confusion, desires, needs, jealousy, hate, control: everything was out. He was silent. When I finished, with a trembling nervous voice I added:

"Miky, please. Please. Enough! Why did you kiss me? Were you forced to do so? Desire?"

For the first time during the whole call, Miky replied instantly:

"No Digg! NO! Don't say it that way. I did that because I wanted to."

"Bullshit! Fuck your needs. Fuck you, big child. Nagging all the time about what YOU want. Always looking for what YOU need. You never ever came out of your fucking self centered circle you're living in. Screw that bubble that you formed, that wall that you built between us while you've been going around screwing everyone else. Do you image how humiliating for me, admitting my feelings and you act as if nothing happened? You just play with me, kissing me, just not to lose me? Am I your fucking backup plan? I just hate what I reached with you. You've been always telling me about your fuck dates! Why not this time? Why not telling me about Shats? Did you know that we were close friends?"

"Digg. Calm down. I can't talk to you like this", he answered in a very clear way. "You won't get what I would say. I will call you later."

"That's how you are! Always escaping, running away! Later!", and I hung up. I took a deep breath. I knew what I did was totally inappropriate, but I couldn't bare it anymore. By then, I knew what he liked in Sex as well! I decided not telling Shats about what I did, he was living the happy dream that I missed, I shouldn't ruin it for him as well. I SMSed Miky telling him not to mention anything to my friend.

Later that night, I got the usual Beep! from him. I didn't reply. He called me, checking if I were in a good mood to talk; and asked me if we could meet. I agreed. I had decided that what I did was worse than what I've been going through with him. They might be good and fit for each other, actually I could see how Shats changed after knowing him: he stopped all his fuck dates, one night stands, late night outings and even logging into his gayDar and ManJam profile! Why were I destroying something as sweet as that! If I wasn't the one for him, someone else should be. I fixed my speech, gained my calm look again and met him. His excuse for not telling me about Shats was his fear of hurting me that he was stepping into something serious.

A couple of weeks passed after that meeting, and I became, as always, Miky's advisor regarding his relationship with Shats. I knew how he could fix things with him, or how I had to push my friend in the correct way to please Miky. I wasn't an angel, I was hoping that I could get out of this mess if they finally settle together. I was too tired to see all that, but Miky is very moody: he broke up with Shats. He called me, telling me that he ended it with him partially because of me. He wasn't only making me suffer, but he gave me guilt as well. Miky was my sweet taboo; and I was enjoying it. I knew that they wouldn't stay together for long, since Shats was more into partying and Miky was into me.

Things went alright with Guess: he was planing to open another branch in Zamalek. Things went worse with his emotions, he fell in Tamer (the Black Widow) 's Web. I did my best getting him out of that deep shit he fell in, of course, after he asked for my help.

It was next Ramadan, when I went to his place for the first time. I loved the colors, the couch and his Teddy Bear whom I heard a lot of talks and storied about. He showed my his pictures, memories, intimate things and held me all night long watching Kate and Leopold. It felt so warm and right, but forbidden and distant until we met two weeks ago in Deals Pub in Heliopolis. He got seriously drunk, and I took the opportunity to know more about his hidden secrets: he is dating a girl. He wants to get married and move over. He admits that he loves me, but he doesn't want to lose me like he did with Shats, Tamer, Alaa, Karim. They didn't love him right, I knew that deep inside of me, but I couldn't say it anymore. He insists that I will go to his marriage, I am not sure about that, but haven't I been always next to him? I know that I will not let him wander alone. Again, when we left, he drove me to my car. I was worried because he was too drunk to drive, he held me closer and was about to kiss me again when I quickly moved my head. His wet kiss stamped right on the edge of my lips, on my cheek: I couldn't take it anymore. I am hooked, but I will not let him make me taste it again; not anymore, at least, I guess so.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over, It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

- Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence

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February 13, 2007

:: I Fell For an Enigma - [Part I]

"Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you?"

-Nadia Ali

Although it was mid July when we met, I was freezing. My heart was like a cold stone inside my chest; too heavy to carry, too uncomfortable to move around with and too hurt to feel. The amount of tears I cried left my eyes dry, yet I was so much in need to let go more sorrow out of my soul. I could barely talk to anyone, since I didn't have friends that would listen to me. I had just come out of my only relationship. So had Miky.

Welcome to the Broken Hearts Valley. The land where freshly ended relationships victims thrive and try to cope with life. That's where I met Miky, a handsome 26 years old engineer, capricorn and full of surprises. We kept on talking over the phone for a while, I neither had seen him nor had seen his picture but I was interested in his personality: he was young with a successful career, spoke fluent French in addition to English and Arabic. When we finally decided meeting, I was planing my trip to Sharm al Sheikh. I called him that afternoon and asked him where to find an open EgyptAir office since it was already late for them.

- "In Nasr City; infront of Wonder Land", he answered. I thanked him and went to fetch my tickets. Soon after the call, an SMS came announcing if I was interested in meeting him; since he would be nearby. I agreed instantly and even forgot about the tickets, I wanted to see the mysterious guy as well as wanted to start dating again and discovering life in a new perspective. When I reached Mustafa al Nahass street, right after I crossed the horrible Al Tawheed wal Noor Mall, and waiting in the never ending red light in that horribly heavy in traffic area, I called Miky telling him I would be in front of EgyptAir in 5 minutes. He told me that he was stuck in the same red light area where I were. A sign? I insisted on seeing him, I stepped out of the car, fought the heat of the mid July Cairo sun, the blinding pollution and cars, buses, microbus and motorcycles horns and looked around me. There he was, waving at me. For a second, all the surrounding dirt, noise, heat and chaos were reduced to his motion, a wave, a breeze that hit me. He looked fantastic and attractive. Cars started moving, so I rushed back inside my vehicle and told him over the phone:

- "I got you!".

"Yeah, I saw you too. Listen Digg, I need to quickly go home shower then get back to you. I just finished Gym and I really don't want to go out with you like this". He looked great like that; but of course not for a first date. Date? It wasn't a date. We agreed that it wouldn't be one.

- "Sure. You go. Time I get my tickets!".

I was happy; and I was thinking that maybe I was rewarded with the correct guy right after my 3 years heart break. Maybe Destiny did all that for this greater plan. I was waiting for my mobile to ring his name when I got an SMS: I am waiting outside, come. I stepped out of the air tickets office and saw him waiting for me in his car. I sat and was taken by the Hugo perfume that was enveloping him. He was like one of the magazine models for me. He looked fine, and was glorified in my mind with his great extras that I was always seeking in a date: French, young age, successful career, independent, mature and experienced. He asked me where I would like to go; I instantly answered: Giordano's. He looked fit for that calm and elegant restaurant.

- "Okay, but you have to tell me how to get there!", he said while smiling. I started my directions. He was silent, not as I was used to him over the phone or through the SMSs we were exchanging. I could feel him tensed but controlling it. As soon as we reached the spot, Miky calmed down. He ordered a diet Sprite, since he wasn't a hot drinks amateur. I asked for my ordinary Latté. Miky tried not to talk about his previous love relationship, instead, he kept on talking about who he is. He felt comfortable to the extent of telling me about his private life and the project he was about to make:

- "I am opening a new branch for Guess soon in Maadi. I am finishing all the legal paper work now."

I smiled while I felt my stomach jumping inside of me: "That's so nice. When is the grand opening?"

- "Sometime in February 2006, you'll be the first to know the exact date", he answered while leaning forward, then he continued: "Actually I am really scared. It is a big step for me, I mean, I just decided doing this with my friend Hossam and I really hope things go well from there. I already spent too much in the shop and not really sure I will be having enough customers and sales to cover all that."

- "You know Miky, expect in your launch a very marginal amount of sales, but if you manage controlling the first storms, you'll consolidate yourself later." I felt good sharing him this private news he told me; I felt closer for some reason. Was it the solitude I was feeling? Was he filling the void that I suddenly had inside of me? I knew I wasn't ready to start any new adventure in my life; but he was too good to be left.

Two lovely weeks passed afterwards. We were SMSing all the time, informing each other about every thing we made and would do during the day. We were kicking off nicely; slowly and casually. One more nice week. Then silence. For some reason we stopped calling or SMSing each other for a month.

It was 2 days before Ramadan when he called me. I felt happy seeing his name on my mobile; answered quickly and showed how delighted I was with his call. I was in shock when I heard him talking over the phone. I could feel a very sad tone in his voice and a very shacked person pronouncing incomprehensible combination of words. When I insisted on knowing what was wrong with him, he just said:

- "Digg, I have been visiting a Psychiatric. I can't get over my ex-boyfriend.". That was when I felt he needed me. His rescue me call became evident when he started crying on the phone, telling me how he has been taking all those sleeping pills and mixture of other things he even ignores what was their composition or effect, how he felt totally exposed to a doctor who didn't believe in homosexuality and how he was very confused about his own sexual preferences. He told me that he was totally attracted to boys but he could never keep living in that lifestyle. He wanted to change, to get married. When I heard that, I felt smashed yet I promised him that I would be next to him in every decision he wanted. He was too weak, and really needed me. It was time to put aside all my feelings and desires, I had to start treating him like a friend and make him go through this mess correctly, away from that medication freak doctor of his.

- "Can we meet tomorrow? I really need to talk to you".

Around 9 PM, one broken hearted guy met a medically broken soul in Cilantro, City Stars. That night, I saw Miky in a very different way: he was very fragile and vulnerable, wanted to laugh and talk, barely could control his tears and the pills he was taking every couple of hours... and I was falling deeper and deeper for that pure heart and sexy look. He talked more and more about his personal life, his beloved nephew, sister and parents. He was making the fact of accepting him as a friend harder and harder with the way he was mingling me in his life through our daily meetings and meeting in Cilantro Maadi, al Nasr Street at 2 AM just to sit in the open air area, show me his family photos, eMails and pictures from his ex-Lover; or simply asking me to join him when he wants to shop and doesn't buy those Timberland shoes or even D&G underwear unless I see them. I started recharging my iPod with Enrico Macias, Maireille Mathieu, Danny Brillant, Françoise Hardy and all those french songs he played when we went out together. I used to listen to a Tiesto track when suddenly I felt I wanted to play a Ma Maison or Il a neigé sur Mykonos. How strange it is when a person is easily influenced by the one he's attracted to.

- "I bought these yesterday from Springfield", he said while taking out a nice pull-over out of the finely wrapped plastic bag. "What do you think about these?"

I looked at the color and shape and answered: "Miky, you do have like 3 of these in your locker. Don't you want to change at least the color?". He just took the pull-over and re-wrapped it. The following day, he exchanged it for 2 shirts.

I became a pillar in his life, and he became a forbidden fruit in my garden. I kept my feelings inside of me, while seeing him getting slowly over his previous relationship and actually taking positive actions towards all the medication he was addicted to by that time. He stopped his doctor visits and his life started stabilizing again. That's when I visited his shop for the first time, two weeks before the scheduled opening. I don't remember feeling any happier smelling that fresh paint, walking on the dusty porcelain and checking the new A/C; playing with air bubbles wrap, walking into a small bathroom and standing behind a covered wooden counter; seeing him smiling, asking what I think and pointing at the place where GUESS will be installed the following morning. After all that time together and moments we shared, we were Lovers, without physical contact.

After that night, I couldn't hold it anymore. As soon as I reached Armando, I SMSed him, plainly, clearly: Do you think we have a shot together? I waited his answer. A couple of minutes later, I quickly tapped on my screen when I read the 1 new message announcement: Digg I like u alot. u r so special 2 me & so precious. I thought many times abt us n how it would b great, but I fear losing u. I need u in my life so much & the safest choice is friendship. I dnt want 2 risk, love alwys ends but i nvr want to end it wz u. Was that a smart "No, sorry, I am not interested in you?" answer? I SMSed back, wishing him good night; and lit a cigarette; I really needed that.

On the Opening night, I made sure the appropriate Flower delivery would be on time, along with a simple card on which I wrote: GUESS who thinks you are more than a special friend? I quickly visited him then left. He called me later that night:

- "Thank you Digg."

- "Come on, for what Miky? It was just Flow.."

- "No, thank you for being always here. Please. Don't leave me, no matter what happens". I couldn't understand why he was insisting on saying this too many times lately, I just promised him that I would never leave him, no matter what. I couldn't realize by then that I had totally tightened myself to a roller coaster with such simple words I said in a late night talk over a mobile call.

By that time, Samer was already in my life, as well as Shats. In one of our nights cruising around Jardino, I felt like talking about Miky. I roughly told Samer about Miky's outlined story, how I felt and how things were too complicated.

- "I don't know the person", said Samer after his usual deep reflection face expression while building up a very convincing and deep answer, "he is different; and I am not saying it in neither a good nor a bad way. Digg, I only care about you and your feelings. If you are hurt, then he is bad. I can see him acting strangely and randomly, and that might lead to bad things!"

That's when Shats said: "You know what, just live the moment. You like the guy now, enjoy your outings, diners and good events. Don't give it much thinking. If anything is supposed to happen, it will". Damn it Shats, you always take it easy and I wish I could do that sometime. He simplified my almost one year dilemma in a bunch of words: Enjoy your outings, have fun, and fuck others! I liked that analysis.

About a week later, I visited Miky in his Store; by then I was visiting him more frequently. There weren't many sales and he was afraid if things don't get better soon, he would have to end this business. I did my best pushing him and promising him how things would be a lot better later. I waited till 11 PM, turned off the lights and he locked the store. I was parking far from his shop so he insisted on driving me. That Hugo perfume was still there, I remembered how I felt the first time we met; and how confused I was that time. We were very close and knew almost everything about each other yet nothing could be done to push any of this great mutual attraction forward. Friends, he said. I was in a mess when I was near him: I couldn't decide whether I should flirt or casually laugh? Give more hints about what I feel or try coping with the situation the way it was? I quickly found myself infront of my car. I was saying goodbye, when he pulled me closer and just kissed me. I felt his tender, warm, soft, passionate lips right on mine... After one full year, I flew!

I'd wake up, and make love to you if i had you
I would touch you so much, but I'm not allowed to
What I hate is to wait, but in this case I'm patient
I'm discreet, I'm not weak, I just need the moment
He wants me, he wants me not
I want everything he's got
If I leaned over and tried to kiss you
Would I be wrong, after so long to kiss you
Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you
At least I can dream of you in a scene, when I'd kiss you
On one hand, we are friends, but still my mind wanders
Through side streets and alleys, I just keep growing fonder
To stop me is not easy, can't stop a lion from hunting
I'm focused, I won't miss, there's no control of some things

If I leaned over and tried to kiss you
Would I be wrong, after so long to kiss you

Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you
At least I can dream of you in a scene, when I'd kiss you

- Kiss You, Nadia Ali

>> Proceed to Part II

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