:: I Fell For an Enigma - [Part II]

" Everything is you
How can I pull through
My heart is consumed I'm so confused
Still caught up in you. Love can be so cruel
Baby don't know how to turn you loose "

- Mariah Carey.

Adrenaline rushed in my veins when his warm lips were pressing against mine, parking next to my car, making me fall deeper in his Rabbit's Hole. Poor Alice, if she had only known what would be waiting for her on the other side, she wouldn't have followed him from the first place; nor would have I.

I blushed. He slowly touched my cheek, and for the first time, I saw deep inside his eyes; even though the street was dimmed because of some missing lamps. I couldn't think about what to say or what to do in such confusing, unexpected, amazingly delighting moment. Should I admit to myself Loving him that fast? I couldn't make up my mind about how serious could my feelings be towards him, but I surely did know that I felt secured and happy whenever he was around. I loved his calls and short messages that kept flowing back and forth after his daily Bonjour Digg! SMS. I liked his care and need for my existence, and the way he took my opinion and taste seriously. I melted under his kiss' warmth and passion. I quickly looked in the side mirror, checking if I could leave the car while saying:
- "Well, good night to you too. Call me when you're home". I rushed into my car. Quickly, I took a Marlboro and while taking a very deep breath that almost exhausted my lungs, I watched him driving off slowly. I stayed silent in my car, waiting for something that wasn't coming, wandering and thinking about how bright my days would be if this long waited Kiss was finally the take off sign. I slowly reached for my iPod, pointed at Mariah Carey. Butterfly. Honey. Those lyrics suddenly sounded in my soul, head and lips. While driving back home, I kept on playing it over and over.. "I can hardly wait. For another taste of honey. Honey I can't describe. How good it feels inside". Suddenly I forgot about my past, my sorrow, my sadness as well as my confusion. I felt that I was jumping 9 clouds up, right after rising from deep grounds. Autostrad road was smooth, my long drive from Maadi to Heliopolis was so sweet and even got better when I received a short message from Miky, telling me that he was home already and waiting for my SMS when I would arrive. I wanted to extend those minutes as much as possible, tasting songs in a different way. How magnificent it is when you feel the beat and swoon with the words.

Next morning, we kicked our SMS ping-pong game with the usual Beep! and I Beep Beep! back at him. Neither of us mentioned what had happened the night before. For some reason, both of us were avoiding that incident, but we surely enjoyed it. It could have been our inner fear of progress, or fear of loss. Have I finally understood a Capricorn? Was it real that I could finally balance both our lifestyles correctly? I was falling deeper and deeper in his Fantasy World, his sugar coated Final Destination's RollerCoaster. Happiness was overwhelming me: after almost a year of secretly admiring him and seeing him struggling between the missing love of his old relationship and the need of a new one, listening to all his fake lovers and unworthy one night stands; knowing that I could please him the way he always wanted and imagined, confessing to me his deepest secrets, fetishes and desires; he was mine.

Although I wanted to shout what I was going through to the whole world, I couldn't tell Samer and Shats about it. I wanted to make sure that what I was experiencing was real and ever lasting. I wouldn't accept being a pity topic if things weren't the way I dreamt them to be. I've been locking my feelings towards Miky for a whole year, I guessed that things could wait for another couple of weeks the way they were till the final confirmation would come.

During the following week, both Miky and I couldn't find a suitable free time to meet. I visited him a couple of times in his Guess Store, just to make sure he was alright. In one of the visits, while he was moving away a jacket, looked at me and said:

"He passed by me today."

"Alaa?", I answered instantly, knowing his tone whenever he wanted to talk about his ex-boyfriend.

"Yes. I was very confused!", he said, expressing his confusion with the irritated way he stored the jacket with. I slowly moved behind the counter, took the Guess piece back and said while folding it correctly:

"I always told you that this was gonna happen. He hadn't stopped SMSing you anyway; either expressing how much he wants you back or just annoying you pointlessly!"

"Yeah, quickly answered Miky while looking at his flat screen, he looked strange, with a pony tail. I never liked him with long hair."

"It's not your right anymore, MikyBoy. He's free to do whatever he wants!"

"I know that, I know that Digg."

Once again, I could feel his broken voice immerge between all the haunted memories he had. I slowly moved next to him, held his shoulder and promised him that everything would be alright.

When I got back home that night, I found Shats online. He wanted to talk, and was waiting for me to trigger his button. I quickly ran my fingers on the keyboard asking him about what was keeping him up late till that hour. I knew I shouldn't have asked. I regretted going online that hour. I hated the fact that I was played with. I just lied, barely excused and left the house, driving like crazy. Shats was actually dating Miky for the past week. When I doubted about the huge similarities, although Miky faked almost all of his details, I asked for his number. Instead of saying: Yes! This is him! I found myself confirming to Shats God! No, my Miky doesn't carry that number. During the whole chat, Shats hadn't stopped talking about how happy he was with that guy, how great things were going and how magnificently decent he was. He was wishing for something serious with him, for the first time, the modified male version of Samantha Jones was thinking of commitment. How could I say that Miky was mine?

Driving. Thoughts. Confusion: why? Why Miky? Why making me get this illusion of starting something with you? Why don't you leave me alone? Why every time I felt broken inside and wanted to move away, you called me, asked me, begged me to reconsider and give you another chance? "I can't make it without you, Digg. Please never leave me!", and I promised him I would never go away. Nogoom FM seemed allied with them, playing Elissa's Kermalak. I couldn't help but letting my tears drop when I reached the verse "Anany, enta anany. Ya habibi, Jarreb tensany". [Selfish, you are selfish. Baby, try forgetting me]. She was saying it all in that song, she was exposing what I felt: he just wanted me there, next to him. I, who was in love, struggling and hiding my feelings; trying to please him and his needs. I just parked infront of Heliopolis Hospital, around 3 AM and let my anger steam out: hitting the driving wheel, cursing my ex boyfriend, Miky, Shats.. my luck! I finished a pack of cigarettes that night, went back home totally worn out.. and just slept.

I was clear about it: I shouldn't talk to any of them about it. I knew where I was then, let things be the way it is meant to. I decided doing my best being there, for both of them and making sure never appearing with anyone of them. Miky never mentioned about Shats existence; yet Shats was telling me all the juicy details that would have made the perfect gossip, if I weren't in love. I knew about where they were hanging out, what they did, the reason of their last fight. I was acting cold, faking a smile all the way until Shats called:

"We had sex."

I knew Miky was having sex.. but not this one. I hung up. Called Miky; and just blew it all. Feelings, confusion, desires, needs, jealousy, hate, control: everything was out. He was silent. When I finished, with a trembling nervous voice I added:

"Miky, please. Please. Enough! Why did you kiss me? Were you forced to do so? Desire?"

For the first time during the whole call, Miky replied instantly:

"No Digg! NO! Don't say it that way. I did that because I wanted to."

"Bullshit! Fuck your needs. Fuck you, big child. Nagging all the time about what YOU want. Always looking for what YOU need. You never ever came out of your fucking self centered circle you're living in. Screw that bubble that you formed, that wall that you built between us while you've been going around screwing everyone else. Do you image how humiliating for me, admitting my feelings and you act as if nothing happened? You just play with me, kissing me, just not to lose me? Am I your fucking backup plan? I just hate what I reached with you. You've been always telling me about your fuck dates! Why not this time? Why not telling me about Shats? Did you know that we were close friends?"

"Digg. Calm down. I can't talk to you like this", he answered in a very clear way. "You won't get what I would say. I will call you later."

"That's how you are! Always escaping, running away! Later!", and I hung up. I took a deep breath. I knew what I did was totally inappropriate, but I couldn't bare it anymore. By then, I knew what he liked in Sex as well! I decided not telling Shats about what I did, he was living the happy dream that I missed, I shouldn't ruin it for him as well. I SMSed Miky telling him not to mention anything to my friend.

Later that night, I got the usual Beep! from him. I didn't reply. He called me, checking if I were in a good mood to talk; and asked me if we could meet. I agreed. I had decided that what I did was worse than what I've been going through with him. They might be good and fit for each other, actually I could see how Shats changed after knowing him: he stopped all his fuck dates, one night stands, late night outings and even logging into his gayDar and ManJam profile! Why were I destroying something as sweet as that! If I wasn't the one for him, someone else should be. I fixed my speech, gained my calm look again and met him. His excuse for not telling me about Shats was his fear of hurting me that he was stepping into something serious.

A couple of weeks passed after that meeting, and I became, as always, Miky's advisor regarding his relationship with Shats. I knew how he could fix things with him, or how I had to push my friend in the correct way to please Miky. I wasn't an angel, I was hoping that I could get out of this mess if they finally settle together. I was too tired to see all that, but Miky is very moody: he broke up with Shats. He called me, telling me that he ended it with him partially because of me. He wasn't only making me suffer, but he gave me guilt as well. Miky was my sweet taboo; and I was enjoying it. I knew that they wouldn't stay together for long, since Shats was more into partying and Miky was into me.

Things went alright with Guess: he was planing to open another branch in Zamalek. Things went worse with his emotions, he fell in Tamer (the Black Widow) 's Web. I did my best getting him out of that deep shit he fell in, of course, after he asked for my help.

It was next Ramadan, when I went to his place for the first time. I loved the colors, the couch and his Teddy Bear whom I heard a lot of talks and storied about. He showed my his pictures, memories, intimate things and held me all night long watching Kate and Leopold. It felt so warm and right, but forbidden and distant until we met two weeks ago in Deals Pub in Heliopolis. He got seriously drunk, and I took the opportunity to know more about his hidden secrets: he is dating a girl. He wants to get married and move over. He admits that he loves me, but he doesn't want to lose me like he did with Shats, Tamer, Alaa, Karim. They didn't love him right, I knew that deep inside of me, but I couldn't say it anymore. He insists that I will go to his marriage, I am not sure about that, but haven't I been always next to him? I know that I will not let him wander alone. Again, when we left, he drove me to my car. I was worried because he was too drunk to drive, he held me closer and was about to kiss me again when I quickly moved my head. His wet kiss stamped right on the edge of my lips, on my cheek: I couldn't take it anymore. I am hooked, but I will not let him make me taste it again; not anymore, at least, I guess so.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over, It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

- Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence