" and darkness falls in my eyes,
and days are far from rosy now,
and if I asked for the sky,
would you still shelter me
when the sky, falls ?
I remember "
Though I was in the middle of nowhere, cold air going through the mountains and reaching under my light black shirt, though it was all dark around me, nothing was seen except the stars' faint light, nothing was heard but the sound of the sea smashing on the rocks and distant sounds of cars passing quickly on the high way; I felt warmth while my hands were squeezed between Ewan's palms. I felt comfortable and secured, just thinking that he was next to me, asking me to follow him. He came near the end of the cliff and whispered, as if he didn't want to disturb nature as it was: "This is my hiding spot. I come here, have a cigarette and watch the horizon". I was amazed, how he had discovered this place; it was totally random, very hard to notice; but it was beautiful. He quickly sat on the cliff's edge, knowing every inch of the place and laid on his back.
"Digg, do like me. It's great!"
I slowly came near the edge, sat, laid and could hardly hear him, now that I was on the same level of the wind, blowing in my ears; seeing nothing, now that I was looking in black deep sky, full of constellations. I moved my hand, reaching for his; held it and I felt butterflies inside of me. Nobody made me experience what I went through with him, nobody made me feel cherished, they way he made me feel. We kept our position for around half an hour. I wasn't feeling cold anymore; I felt I was floating with all that wind, space and his touch. He slowly moved on his side, came near my right ear and whispered: "Do you like it?". I couldn't answer; I just nodded my head. I am not sure if he saw me doing that but I was quiet sure that he felt that I was on cloud nine. He stood up quietly and helped me to stand up, now that all my muscles were loose. He asked me to follow him again; this time he ran up a hill near by, climbed some rocks and stood on top. I went up the same way he did, yet a lot slower in pace. "Want to feel like Titanic?", he yelled while opening his arms wide open and closed his eyes! I laughed, hugged him from his back and put a kiss on his neck. Air was blowing so hard on that hill; we sat down, hardly lit cigarettes and kept watching the horizon on one side, and some lonely car passing every now and then on the other side of the highway. We were silent, but a lot was going through my head. Ewan was born to be free. He always kept telling me that. If we happen to be in a relationship, and obviously he has been hinting a lot about that, would it really work out? Was I ready to compromise a lot of my most important points and life rules? He couldn't move to Cairo. I couldn't go to Sharm al Sheikh. How could we be together then?
Around an hour later, we started moving back to Suez. Ewan turned the stereo down and looked at me.
"Digg, did you like it over there?"
"Yeah, it was great. It felt so comfortable and nice. How did you find this place anyway?"
"You weren't scared?", he said. I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I thought he was only making sure if I felt safe with him.
"Of course not, you were sure about what you were doing back there!", I answered, while wondering what he really meant by that.
"No. I mean, how could you go to that distant, unknown place, with somebody your barely know like me? We have only been dating for almost a month. You don't know me well.", he answered. I felt confused. What was he implementing by that? He kept on talking: "I could have hit you, stole your car, and money, left you in the desert; I could have had people there who would do that to you.. how could you trust me? I wouldn't do that at all."
I shrugged, looked at him and said: "I've been around quiet a bit. I met people who could harm me, some did that already. I gained -somehow- some experience in people I meet. With you, I trusted my instinct. You trusted me, meeting your parents and knowing your life -do you think this isn't enough? Yes, there is a risk to take, but it was very faint."
"Well, all this could have been a set up. I am just asking you to take more care next time. Don't trust people that easily. I know I don't!"
I was totally confused by then: is he alright? What happened to the nice guy I was dating? What the hell was he saying? Instead of ending this magical escapade in a magnificent way, he just crushed me like one of those waves on rocks I was watching earlier. Suddenly, I felt unsafe, not because of what he said, but I have just discovered a paranoid thought that he had in his mind: what was Pandora hiding?
A couple of hours later, we reached Suez. I insisted that I would spend the night in my hotel room, I tried joking about it: "You could kill me if I spend the night with you!". He came over and stayed with me all night. I decided to know that person more, now that I started discovering some strange ideas floating in his head. We had a couple of cocktails and I started asking some questions about his life, his girl friend that he mentioned when we first met.
"Yeah, I have a girl friend. Well; she's nice actually. She's in her forties and has the cutest dogs you could ever meet!", while I was processing what he had told me, forties? He opened his wallet and took out a couple of her pictures. She looked European; German, he said. I saw her dogs. I saw her house in Sharm al Sheikh. I saw what he meant: I understood. He kept telling me about being independent, about her taking good care of him, about his business. He liked the care that she was giving him; that was what he was seeking. She always waited for him, she would always do. The missing puzzle pieces were handed to me. He told me about his previous relationship with a guy from Cairo, when he was in high school. It spanned for 5 years. He was from Emirates (that explained the Khaliji music). He lived in his place while he was studying in high school and university afterwards. He used to clean, cook and prepare everything for him when he gets back home from work. Anger started raising later on, his boyfriend was jealous, doubting about everything. He started controlling Ewan's life; which made him go crazy, smashing a good amount of dishes. They broke up later on, because his boyfriend had to go back to his wife in Emirates. That was too much for me to know; but very crucial.
That night, we had sex.. just sex.
The following morning, we walked around the city, by the sea side, near the ships. Ewan started talking: "Digg, what if I get you work in my dad's factory?". He actually wanted me to move. "Would you accept it?" -it wasn't about accepting work, it was about accepting him and I, together. I wasn't sure what to answer, I couldn't leave Cairo, I couldn't leave Cairo for someone I don't know. I know that he was seeking comfort and care, something that he would fight and go beyond the normal lines to get it, but was I the one who was supposed to provide him that? He gave me this good feeling for the couple of weeks we dated, am I selfish, not giving it back to him as he needed it to be in his way? I was not ready to gamble my life -again- in that very short period of time. I said I would think about it, but I wasn't ready to do that.
Ewan wanted to go back with me to Cairo. I totally refused that he would do that again; I left, thanking him for the great time I spent and for the experiences I lived.
All way back home, Ewan kept calling me every now and then, making sure that I was alright. When I reached house, I wished him good night and went to bed. The next morning I found an SMS from him saying that he was on his way to Sharm al Sheikh; that boy never rests!
A couple of weeks later, Ewan called, telling me that he would be in Cairo the next day: "I am going to Greece. There is something important. I must see you". It was so obscure. I met him in the bus station and went to Armando CafÃ©. He ordered his Earl Grey, I ordered my Espresso. He wanted to talk about something, but couldn't really say it. I gave him space. For that moment, I was providing him security. Some time later, Ewan decided to open up: "Digg, I want to tell you a secret; but please, it is a secret, my dad should never know about it". I assured him that I'd keep him safe. "I am going to Greece without him knowing, I decided to..", he looked in my eyes and continued: ".. I decided to get baptized". That moment, I couldn't help but notice the cross he was wearing around his neck (I always knew that Ewan was Muslim -carrying his father's religion). Why should I be surprised; I've tasted a lot of his confusions. He kept silence for a moment, then he asked: "What do you think?". What were I thinking? Nothing. Void. "Ewan, it's your call, specially religion and belief: this is a spiritual connection between God and you. Nobody should interfere. If you feel like converting to Christianity, and you are convinced, so be it". I tried to be as warm as I could, he was scared and needed to feel comfort. I knew that everything was screwed up between us by then, I cannot get committed to someone who, not only is trading his sexual preferences, but his own belief! Ewan cheered. He said that he was so scared to tell me, that he told nobody but his mother who will be waiting for him in Greece. He hugged me and thanked me a lot, for understanding what he was going through. He then opened his back pack and took out bibles, books, carols, hymns and lyrics to show me what he had learnt so far. I was too distant, thinking about how people are never perfect. All along my dating life, I met a lot of guys. Although they were different one another, some I would brag saying I had sex with, others I would keep them deep inside of me as my darkest secrets, they all shared one thing: confusion. I nodded and smiled when I was supposed to do so. I frowned and asked when I was expected to act so. It was almost midnight, his plane should take off around 4 AM. I was driving to the airport when his father called and told him that he was waiting for hiin frontnt of the airport external entrance; that both his sisters and step mother are waiting for him in the car to say goodbye. While driving him there, Ewan kept holding my hand, squeezing it. I noticed his eyes reflecting lights usually: was he crying? I saw a tear going down his cheek, and him removing it quietly. I slowed down and told him that it was difficult to leave his life suddenly. He answered: "I cannot get back to Egypt once I do that. It's impossible for me." I kissed his hand and told him that it wasn't too late anyway, he could go to Greece and think about it deeply. He nodded, looked at me and said: "Digg, I am doing this because of you. I was happy to find you, I wanted to stay here, but it is not working between us, and I got sick of this. You changed me, I couldn't go back to my ordinary life." I felt uneasy with what he said. I felt guilt. My emotions were perfectly guiding me to be with him, someone who is free and knows how to live his life, knows where beauty is and goes to get it.. but my mind was analyzing the whole situation clearly. If -and when- one day things are blue, would he be there for me? Or should the world be on my shoulders? His anger moments, would he control his temper? Or he would he go for a smashing spree? Will I trust him? Emotions weren't enough. I felt sad, I felt sorry for him, I felt cruel for altering his life the way I did.
Once we reached the external door of Cairo International Airport, I wanted to drive him inside, but his father was waiting and Ewan, as usual, asked me to leave. He quickly removed the cross he was wearing so his father won't comment on it. I was getting ready to step out of the car when he pulled me and kissed me deeply. I was confused, since his father, sisters and step mother were looking at us; but I kissed him back. I knew that this would be the last time we meet. He slowly moved out of the car and went to greet his father. I stepped out and said hi to his dad, and couldn't help but notice his younger sister blushing. To the last moment, Ewan was making me experience new things. I came near Ewan, he hugged me then said: "Go. I will keep my cell phone on till the flight. Call me if you can".
I still remember his face, while I was driving away.
E, I might have been the reason that made you discover what you were doing was a temporarily patching for your life. You made me know for sure that there are great things in life that we, being materialistic, are missing a lot. A simple walk on the beach, a lighthouse, a mountain, a star, a kiss, a ship, can be the best and a lot better than a fancy dinner or an expensive trip.
E, For now, Yassou, Agapi Mou!