March 21, 2007

:: More Freaks on the Loose

" I'm trouble,
Yeah trouble now,
I'm trouble ya'll,
I got trouble in my town!

- P!nk

Why do you have to fake your emotions, if they all would fall back in one big lie discovered after a rarely sensational, usually devastating, fuck? I tried seeing an excuse for all this rather unexplained attitude, I failed convincing myself with any given reason. Dicks, butts, bareback or protected: it's the same scenario. What is astonishing in this matter, not only the fact of lying, but the whole stage built for one target: get into your pants. Why don't you simply walk closer, come next to my ear and whisper: I want to fuck you. I believe I would have an exceptional sex night that way.

Please, no drama!

He fell in love 26 times. When I asked him how could he has done that, he simply said: "I felt weak infront of them. They all loved me". I had to stop and think: were all relationships these days a one sided direction love equations? Do we all get satisfied when we are loved -or even worshipped by someone? I saw some of the people he had been with, I couldn't find any common pattern, except them wanting to fuck him. Knowing that my friend Wael is too kind, all men he met always played a certain game in order to get laid with him. That relationship might span a week, month or maybe 6. If he is a freak for falling in love 26 times with 26 different guys, they were all worse for trying to be the 7th, 16th or maybe the 25th; or even using his shacked vision about "relationship" in order to squeeze him for the longest time possible. When I knew him more, Wael admitted that he has truly fell in love only once, and it was a classic: his love was Spanish. They fell in love when Wael stayed there for almost a year. Everything was perfect, but he had to come back. They are still in touch, they are still in need to get together. All the actual passing people are simply stations that will lead Wael back to his Matador, although he is actually playing with two different bulls: his latest boyfriend and his lover.

Wael is actually on his 27th love relationship. Although they are in their first month together, he mistakenly had sex with Loren. Things are more complicated than what they seemed to me at first while: Loren actually has a boyfriend in Lebanon while the very same Loren is Wael's lover best friend. The way I read the messages in Loren's eyes while going out all together, or how Wael looks at me when he feels uncomfortable with the way he is sitting between his Lover and Fucker. Wael doesn't know how to say No. He goes with the flow, he does what the others want and he loves sex.

I met Karim a week ago. He's a fine 22 years old boy. When he told me he had been in a relationship that lasted 5 years, I wanted to know more about that mess. He actually fell in love with a 29 years old doctor when he was barely 15 years old. Not only he forced Karim to get money by any mean to support their lives, but he also made up many fake reasons and excuses to stop him from going to University. Karim reached a level that made him lost his temper, so to prove his love (and his need for that constant money flow) the doctor insisted that Karim joins him in his operations, inside the OR. He used to learn what his boyfriend used to do and one of those days, he actually operated on one of the drugged patients.

"Karim, I will cut the skin and you do the muscles", said the doctor.

"No. Wait, I am not ready for that", answered Karim while looking at the nurse.

"You have to! I want you to do it!"

"Okay, let me do the skin incision and you do the muscles. I don't want to screw her!", said Karim while taking the tools.

"You'll stitch her up when done then!", precised the doctor.

Karim bit his lip, and slowly nodded while picking up the scalpel.

Amgad follows the same pattern: "It's the end of the month. I am just an employee. I don't have money on me". You really don't care about that minor detail, especially that you have already chatted with him for a while and talked over the phone for another era. Amgad is such an entertaining person, intellectual character, creative and charming but why playing?

You usually end up having sex with him, after inviting him for a dinner or coffee with chocolate fudge. He assures you he is top and doesn't allow discussion in that matter, but a sudden flow of emotions hits you when you start making out. He actually "loves you" to the extent that he is ready to be bottom just for you, and you, and you and, yes, you too.

I chatted with Hassan for a while but never saw his pictures. He sounded smart, studying dentistry and having a promising career in his father's clinic. I decided to meet him, one day, and have an idea about this person that I liked his mentality online. He looked cute, good-enough-to-have-sex-with category. We decided meeting a month later for a talk then surely a fuck. While waiting for my strong coffee in Cilantro and his decafinated one, I was guessing what his Zodiac would be. Based on his attitude, I doubted that he would be a Capricorn but needed to make sure:

"Hassan, are you religious?", I asked while sipping my coffee.

"Oh yes, very much. I do my best in that. What about you?"

I looked around me, and decided to play:

"Oh yeah, me too. I go to Church every Sunday".

Hassan froze and starred at me. I smiled while seeing his face go from healthy red to green-yellow. To save him from fainting, I quickly said:

"Come on, I am Muslim. What's up with all this mess you had?"

"Digg, I really don't like dealing with Christians. I am sorry. I am too racist when it comes to Islam".

After coffee, we had sex. He kept on saying how magnificent I was and how great sex is, how when he first met me never thought that we'd be fucking one day. Although I believed his tone, his soft dick wasn't promising anything. He kept apologizing and assuring me that it's just psychological and because I was tickling him. He miraculously came and I left.

The next morning, I found an SMS on my mobile:

Hi, i can't deny it was perfect night, and i mean it, but i don no why i have this too bad feeling, don get me wrong, but i thing that there's somethin wrong abt me, anyway, thx, take care.

As Madonna said, I gave my fuck you attitude smile, and answered:

Don't worry dear, I don't really understand what you're talking about from the first place, but I will make sure you will NEVER feel that again.

My next SMS alert was:

Well, me too, i don understand, it's just was a question on my mind, any way, forget abt it.

Extending my fuck you smile, I replied:

Sure. Forget about it all.

He didn't want to end it, no, not Hassan:

That's why i asked u don get me wrong, u don know how much i need someone like u, unless u r not MOZLIM, i know it's so weird, but this is me, really so sorry for bothering u, i need to be sure, nothin more.

My fuck you smile suddenly turned into what a freak big open mouth:

First, it's MUSLIM. And second, yes, I am proud being one.

Faster than light, I received:

Ohhhhhh, thanx a looooooooooooooot.

Hassan kept calling me afterwards and I didn't want to answer him for the rest of the day. Showers of SMSs. After one fuck, he is in love and wants to possess me, all along his racist thoughts. I understood that the lack of erection he had all night was because he thought I was Christian. What a freak!

Why can't we simply have friends, sex buddies and fuck ones while being honest and not trying to fake a whole back story? If I liked someone, I liked his body and sex for a fuck, if I liked a friend, I liked his mind and style in talks.. not his roots and backgrounds!

Again, just try, a simple try, being genuine to yourself, before interacting with people.

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March 01, 2007

:: A Red Marlboro Pack

" Have you Confessed? " - Madonna's Confessions Tour.

"Don't you ever think controlling my friends!", He said as He was walking out of our house. I had to wait for a couple of minutes in order to breathe! I was dying to have a cigarette, but I promised Him that I would never smoke again. Love made me stop two of my favorite habits: smoking and getting drunk. I became a modified version of myself which I liked to a certain extent but longed to my true self sometimes. I felt worry, feeling that He was dating others, that evolved into rage when He had told me a week before that He met that singer and started hanging out together. He insisted that they were friends, I insisted that this was their scenario till He confessed, a couple of days later, that the Star took Him in a tour in Jardino. He said that He rejected him. I say that they both screwed me.

I calmed down and called him. He didn't answer me. It was clear: we were on a break. That fight wasn't a simple one. I could smell His lies; and He was lying to me from the start. He just wanted to secure His defense, in case I knew anything. I left home and decided to have the ultimate cure: shopping!

I drove to some shops and kept checking what they had. It's too boring to shop for clothes in Egypt: if you can find the brand name, you are stuck with a 3 years old fashion line. My attitude, eye contacts and excess of testosterone weren't helping me to shop for clothes anyway. I was betrayed on many levels: He always kept cheating on me, either with other guys, Stars or even porn sites. What kind of spell He had on me!

Since nothing was good enough to buy, I decided going to Metro Market and refill my fridge. Ice-Cream would be excellent for that night too. I was dying for a smoke, but a promise is a promise. I slowly proceeded between the crowd, making sure I was checking every guy and rating him. If He couldn't maintain a relationship, why were I sticking to it?

When I was paying for what I bought, I saw that guy on the counter next to me. He looked hot from his back. When he turned around to pick his Red Marlboro pack; it was Tareq, my fuck buddy! When he noticed me, he waved then waited for me on Metro's exit. I took my grocery in a hurry and smiled while walking towards him. Apparently I was in a mess, since the cheese bag fell and rolled next to his sporty leg. He slowly grabbed it and gave it back to me while saying:

"Digg! How are you? Long time no see!"

"Tareq, this is unbelievable. How are you and how is..", that's when I remembered that I knew nothing about him. We were the perfect Fuck Buddy buddies! We only knew each other's first names as well as each other's sensational bodies; only. ".. life?".

"It's good, thanks. Well, shopping, huh?", he said while pointing at my Metro bags and trying to fill the awkward situation we were both feeling. We could perfectly give each other a great blowjob, fuck and wonderful sexual experience but we could not maintain a smart conversation in public. I wonder if his real name was Tareq. It's funny how intimate you can get with a person yet you know absolutely nothing about his daily routine, habits and what he generally likes and dislikes. Whenever I saw his name on my i-mate, I understood that he was calling for a fuck; otherwise, an SMS every now and then checking on each other or wishing a happy new year -just being decent!

I smiled while wondering what would I say next. He looked as hot as he always was: the tan skin, perfectly shaped body and amazing smile. I could vaguely remember him telling me that he played taekwondo in some club; it was somewhere between a neck kiss and a soft nipple bite on his fine hairy chest. He opened his reds pack and was inviting me to have one when the Metro security guy stressed on No Smoking here, sir. Tareq apologized and asked me to step outside. I was dying to have a smoke and to share it with him on bed, sofa, car or kitchen like we used to do. When I walked out, I realized that the amount of bags I was carrying actually hid my chest and some of my face. I quickly opened the car and threw everything in the trunk. Tareq laughed when he saw me totally embarrassed and acting strangely. He lit me a cigarette and said:

"Are you sure your parents asked you for all these fancy grocery?"

I looked at the cigarette he was handing me by then and said:

"Oh, no no no! At all. I am not with my parents, I am actually living..", what were I supposed to say? With Him? " .. alone!"

I took the cigarette but held it next to me. I was dying to have a breath, inhale it all inside of me, make it replace this rage I was feeling towards Him. I couldn't. I just kept waving my hand, wishing it could accidentally fall. He quickly answered:

"Oh wow! That must be great. Are you staying in Heliopolis?"

"Yeah, Al-Oboor buildings!", I said, hypnotized by the smoke he was blowing, his lips and the desire that vividly moved in my mind. It wasn't only the cigarette that I wanted, I could hardly move my eyes off his chest, arms, neck, butt, bulge and Marlboro pack. When I couldn't control it anymore, I took a deep breath off my almost ending cigarette that made me touch base and regain my common senses: I quickly ended the conversation, knowing that he wanted to come home with me. I couldn't let him come, I might have been on a break, but I couldn't cheat on Him.

As I moved with the car, driving home, I dialed His number. When I got No Answer, I felt bad and thought going to His parents' house and talk to Him about what happened but my Ice-Cream couldn't wait that long; or at least that was what I convinced myself with. A couple of minutes later, I parked my car under my place and started the battle of holding all the bags together. Even though I tried applying Rachel Ray's tips and tricks when it comes to that matter, I became certain that there had been a stunt. I took the elevator, praying that I won't collapse when it suddenly stops on my floor or while I was slowly entering the kitchen. When the bags were down and critical things stored, I grabbed my ice-cream, took off my shirt and sat enjoying the night's fresh breeze and Mövenpick's citrus slowly melting on my tongue. I looked at the bottle of Red Wine I bought as well, and decided to have a night for myself. I played my sound system, tuned on Norah Jones. He never liked Norah Jones; I should listen to her then. I couldn't explain the fact of doing the undoable when two partners are on a break. In less than 3 hours, I smoked, met Tareq, drank wine and listened to Norah Jones.. what worse could happen.

Ding! Dong! I opened the door. When I saw Tareq infront of me, I just thought that could happen.

"Digg. I am sorry I just.. followed you."

He followed me to my place. Our place to be precise. It was like a 4 years old boy who had just found the hiding place where his mother keeps all the candies. Of course, I was the 4 years old boy. I smiled and quickly moved away from the door, inviting him to walk in. He put his bag on the floor and looked around the house:

"Nice! I can see you really like modern!"

"What do you expect from an IT guy? I told you that I am an IT engineer, haven't I?"

"Maybe Digg, maybe", he said it while getting closer to my lips. I was turned on by his warm breath, mixed with tobacco and light Adidas perfume. I couldn't resist the temptation because I simply didn't want to. He put the palm of his hand on my back and slowly moved it down to feel my body's curves. I lusted for his talented and perfectly synched passion we expressed. Slowly, I undressed him and exposed his firm chest to the soft air breeze that was coming from the open window, vainly cooling our hot bodies. I felt guilty, but enjoyed the bitterness that I was practicing. There is something about forbidden actions, ever since Adam had the Apple. I was wilder in sex with Tareq that night, knowing that what I was doing was wrong. If I would cheat, may it be perfectly right.

A couple of hours later, clothes spread everywhere and two glasses of almost emptied wine, I was sitting between Tareq's legs, naked, and sharing one cigarette as we used to do:

"Digg! It was amazing this time."

"Don't you think so?", I answered while taking a smoke.

He gently moved his hand in my hair and said: "I have to go babes". Yes. He had to go. We finished our fuck and I started feeling guilty with both the smoke and the dick that were in my system that night. I took a side and found my melted Ice-Cream. I took the spoon and had a sip. Tareq quickly dressed up, took the ice-cream and while approaching my lips, again, said: "Honey, there is something on your lip".

The few remaining hours before sleeping, I felt very disappointed in what I did, twice! The fact that I took the first opportunity to cheat on Him was not accepted, even if I knew whatever games He was having. Next morning, I woke up with my mobile's SMS sound. I slowly looked at it, and hardly read His name and "Good Morning. Coffee's ready". I slowly stepped off the bed, and dragged myself slowly, driven by the smell of fresh American Coffee.

There He was, sitting in the kitchen with two big mugs of coffee.

"Would you like some cake?"

I didn't want cake with my coffee. I wanted a cigarette.

H, I had to confess this.

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