July 21, 2008

:: In Search Of My Sunrise

Allow me to interrupt the Tantric series in order to register this entry. I know how much you fellow readers are eager to finish those entries, but meanwhile, Mica consumed my energy and time in a way that cannot be blogged in one, two or only three entries. The mess that he left me going through is worth thousand parts.

In this entry, at 6:23 AM, laying in my hotel bed, after Tiesto’s gig in Ghazala hotel, and under the influence of Tequila, Vodka, Beer and the post traumatic and depressive effect of XTC pills, I am neither modifying nor editing in what will be followed. I have never been in touch with my deepest emotions like this very moment.

There we were, heading to the 142 KM space from Alexandria to Ghazala Hotel on the Northern Coast to get lost in Tiesto’s music. Carl was driving while Joe was sitting next to him during which I was preparing the Blue Armani ecstasy pills while mixing Vodka drinks in McDonald’s Sprite (that turned out to be only fucking Soda thanks to the ass hole employee who refused giving me two empty medium sized cups filled with ice till I shoved money down his throat). I was handing the drink to Carl while he was speeding at 160 KM/H to catch the gig. Seeing Carl, even as only a raving partner now, keeps fucking me deep inside to an extent I cannot control anymore.

We walked in and while raving in the VIP area and having the second XTC pill with some Vodka, I started having an out of body experience while lusting for Carl as never before. Seeing him dancing and moving in front of me was a torturing experience that I enjoy having. I must be some kind of a fucking sadist, allowing myself having those euphoric moments just being next to him while knowing that my chapter had ended long before it even started with that intensely sexual night we had spent together in his Agami villa; almost a year ago.

I look now at the Mobinil bracelet I am wearing around my left wrest, tagged with the number 05905 and reading what’s written on it Charge your LIFE, and I can’t help but wonder, is this a sign to remind me that my life, soul and love battery had drained long time ago?

While walking out of the event at 4:30 in the morning earlier tonight, Carl kept asking Joe to take off his shirt and change it with the one he was wearing because it was all sweaty and Joe was feeling cold. Not only because of the hypothermia effect of the XTC pills, but the cold morning air would make people sick especially with our self immunity fucked with all the chemical reactions running in our veins. Carl just took off his shirt and I couldn’t help it anymore. Under my sun glasses, I kept looking at every inch of his firm body and fine chest hair that I used to kiss, suck on nipples and euphorically ejaculated during that one time sex encounter we had. I was craving for more, and he was my only desire.

Where would I find a successful engineer, addicted to partying, alcohol and as sexy as Carl is?

While driving me back to my hotel and listening to Tiesto’s constant Seach of Sunrise, he raised the volume up to the track that kept melodying: I love you. I need you. Right here in my arms. That’s when I couldn’t help but silently crying in my back seat. I had to hide those tears away, showing how vulnerable and weak I am is just out of the question. I remember that guy I met 3 days earlier for a date and after talking for a couple of hours in my car, he called me the next day and said: “Digg. Why do you always keep showing yourself strong and not caring while you’re the weakest person ever from inside? You’re just too fragile and broken; even though you were trying to show in your arrogant way that nothing ever matters in your life but your career and the one night stands that you have, there is deep sorrow and a broken soul laying inside of you”.

Yes indeed. While driving me to the hotel, I suddenly realised that, just like Tiesto’s Search of Sunrise had lasted 7 sets so far, I hadn’t started my first chapter yet. I am craving for someone who just sleeps next to me, right now in my queen bed room, and when I wake up next morning, I just look at him and know that someone is still in love with me.

I am dying for a pure emotion that tangles my sensations, makes me feel real lust, desire, and more of all that cheesy love feeling. Someone who would share my thoughts, care about my problems, and together, we’d look at the next day’s sunrise just like the one I am witnessing now out of my room’s window overlooking the sea, alone.

Again, a tear falls and another cigarette in my hand. How long would this last? I am losing my precious twenty-something years denying and struggling to survive in a schema that I hate.

What would it take to find someone who really wants me just like I want him? Why my love equations are always null, either from my side or my date’s side? How long will it take to stumble upon someone who I can proudly present to my best friends saying that this is the one? Someone who would surprise me with a trip to Sharm or Marina or what-so-fucking ever to attend a gig, get wasted and drive back home to have a never ending making out session; and again, when I wake up in the morning and see his face sleeping, I could read that he forever wants me next to him? I would slowly kiss him and get up make coffee and leave both of us to our work.

We’ve all found the sunrise after Tiesto’s gig; but mine, had set long time ago with no plans to shine again.

Again, I smile and look at the breakfast tray that had just been delivered to my room and can’t help but think: another day, another breakfast; alone.

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July 17, 2008


" That summer, we talked endlessly 
always, about everything, 
fusion, nothing new for you 
i felt, hey, under and, cool breezes 
the heavenly "

See you there ;)

July 07, 2008

:: Tantric : Euphoria - [Part III]

June 26th, 2008 – 11:37 PM

I was driving to Maadi, meeting a Spanish guy for sex. Even though we were supposed to meet at 11:00 sharp, he kept pushing the time 10, 15 then 10 more minutes each time I called. When I got really annoyed waiting for 10 extra minutes, I decided going to the Cafe where Mica always goes for coffee and meet up his friends since it was right next to where I was parking. I had strong feeling that he would be there. I just came near the Cafe’s entrance and there he was, coming out of it and when he saw me; he froze then a big smile went on his face and said:

Digg! How are you! Long time no see! I miss you so much”, he then hugged me and said: “You were coming to the Cafe or just to see me?”. I quickly answered:

Mica, do you think I’d drive from Heliopolis to Maadi just to walk in this cafe place randomly? I remembered you and thought passing by. I felt you’d be here!”

He laughed and said while hugging me again:

Digg! You know me too much don’t you? You just know my habits too much!”.

I smiled back; it was good seeing him; driven by my recent blog entries about him and my feelings. He proved me wrong, again!


August 2007

Yes. I was dating Mica. I couldn’t believe that I was doing it, living it, having the rush just waiting for his call and wondering when we would meet. Whenever I was at work, I kept thinking about what we would be doing later at night. It’s that feeling that you have, the urge that you want to call someone so much but you do not want to look like you’re totally into him, wondering what he would think if he receives a too needy SMS, or maybe if you call him up and he doesn’t answer, how would you feel; swamped in your thoughts and ideas that he might be not interested in answering, patiently waiting for his call-back while cursing those boring seconds and fighting the need calling again, maybe he didn’t hear his phone at the first time!

I left my phone open during meetings, he might call. I didn’t want to miss his call. I would excuse out of that boring meeting and answer him; most importantly, I wouldn’t be the one placing the call; that would show how weak I was. I must always wait for his call, that way I don’t show that I am head over heels while being always there if he calls. I was drowning in the calls mess. Sweet and cheesy feeling.

“So Digg, what about tonight?”

“Yeah; what would you like to do?”

“Why don’t you pick me up from my place let’s say around 8? We can go to Pottery Cafe in Heliopolis”. It sounded cool. Even though I had late work that day but fuck it all! I was leaving early and I would pick him up for drinks.

It was that moment of life when you pay extra care to what you will be wearing. I had to follow “the rules”:

1. Right colours combination.

2. Never same outfit twice.

3. Perfume in harmony with both outfit and outing.

4. I must look good enough for him!

I applied all the rules and I sprayed the suitable Body Spray for this outing. I picked him up from his place in Maadi and drove back to Heliopolis. We went in Pottery Cafe and he ordered OJ and Crepe while I took a hot choco browny and Mango juice. I tried hiding as much as possible that question that kept tormenting me since the drinks we had in Grand Hyatt:

“How did you break up with Amgad?"

He looked at me. I quickly said:

“Well, I met the guy and he mentioned how devastated he was because of that relationship he was in and ended. I believe it was you, based on what you told me about him and the conversations I had with him. Since there was too much pain in the air, why did you end it up at first place?”

He cut another piece of Crepe while dripping some of the chocolate and honey sauce and said:

“Things started to get messy at the end. You see, we were in La Bodega one night with friends; I saw him flirting with a friend while we were together. To annoy him, I started flirting with this other person. Then, he went to the bathroom and that friend followed him. I quickly followed them and I saw them making out!”

I didn’t move. I kept listening to his story:

“Then, when I faced him, he told me that he knew about how bitchy I was and those people I made out with. It was like his revenge or something! To be honest I didn’t do much with other people, I just wanted to tease them, nothing more. It was a game with my friends on how far can we drag someone to sex then we just dumb them on bed! I must tell you about those stories, so much fun!”

I slowly poked my browny, while paying more attention to him:

“So we went back to our table, we both raised our beers and cheered the end of our relation”.

I frowned while accidentally  hitting my Mango juice that fell on the floor, making a scene in the middle of the open air cafe! I didn’t pay much attention to what happened: I was freaking out. They cheered their break-up! That simple! That easy! I’ve unintentionally drew an ironic smile on my face and said:

“What? Are you sane? Both of you?”. He was looking at the waiter cleaning the mess I did then said, in french:

“You know we both reached a dead-end. It was obvious that we should have ended a while ago but we kept pushing it. That might have been the final stop which we seized to end that chapter.”

It sounded a bit convincing, but I couldn’t imagine how easily they ended, comparing to my dramatic crash. We kept talking a bit about his relationship and we slowly shifted to his work:

“So what are your plans?”, I asked while taking good care that time of my newly ordered Guava juice.

“I am actually looking to come back to Egypt. I am considering the idea, not sure yet about it but I got really sick and fed up living all alone and isolated in the States”. I nodded. That was my theory anyway about working abroad.

“Should we go?”, he asked while asking for the cheque. When we were going out, he asked asked for my keys. I freaked: no body ever drove my car. I couldn’t trust anyone driving my car while me sitting next to him. I was about to make up an excuse when he just took the keys off my pocket and ran to the car while saying:

“Digg! Hop in. I am driving!”. I felt my heart bouncing. He can’t be in control of me. Who was he to control me? It wasn’t about driving the fucking car or manipulating the steering wheel; it was about me driven and controlled. Driving my car is exactly being on hold of my soul, playing with it, manipulating and toying with it. I started breathing faster while being on the passenger seat while keeping my eyes wide open. He started the engine and I couldn’t stop him. He then started driving my car.

“I like the way you keep your car clean. My elder brother has the same car but he already screwed it up!”

I smiled, a yellow cold smile.



“If I ask you now to dedicate me a song, what would you play? Pick any from your iPod”.

I tried looking at my iPod but I couldn’t hold my worry, I looked at my car’s dash board and noticed that the fuel was running very low.

“Mica, we should go to a gaz station. We’re running low on fuel.”

He then looked at the meter with the remaining 20 KM to empty tank notice, smiled, then pressed more on the gas pedal.

“Don’t worry; these gadgets are always fake”.

He took Al-Rehab street and I started seeing the remaining kilometres getting less and less. I could hardly breathe!

“Mica, seriously please, we need to stop at the next gas station!”

He passed it while saying:

“Digg, trust me. These gadgets aren’t always accurate. We still have some good amount of gas. Don’t worry! What about that song that you’d dedicate to me?”

Shit! Shit! I just picked any track and hit play.

“I am not sure which to pick, Mica, I am not focused!”; I answered with a trembling voice. I was freaking out, being under his total control.

He looked at me, stopped my car and asked me driving it instead. We switched places and while I was moving, he reached for my iPod and I could hear the clicking sound by the device scrolling in my music library. He stopped wheeling and clicked. I could almost hear him having a deep breath then faintly, he said while reaching this time for my trembling hand, holding it tight and said: "Digg, I dedicate this song to you".

He raised the volume, and I listened ...

The sun is going down on me
As she surrenders to the sea
So steal the night and fly with me
I'm calling, I'm calling
The moon is high on me and you
Is my message breaking through?
Darkened skies that once were blue are falling
So hear me now
Calling out your name
Burning on the flame
Played the waiting game
Hear my calling

All the uncomfortable feelings that I had were melting away as he was dedicating me that track; in fact, nobody ever dedicated me any song before. It felt strange and warm. Both cheesy but melting me from inside. Somehow I heard Madonna in my head humming Frozen. Mica played with all of my senses in a few minutes. I was scared, because I started depending on him.

I then drove to Maadi to drop him off his place. Started talking about his family and cousins:

“I haven’t told my female cousins that I am in Cairo yet. Once then know, they will start haunting me! I am just having a few peaceful days.”

I smiled. For some reason, being with Mica made me less and less talkative. I usually drive the conversations, the outing and the plans. When I was with him, I become that boring date who only smiles and nods.

When I drove him to his place, he said: “Digg, would you like to come in?”

Tempting, but no; not yet. I didn’t want to screw things up that fast. I wanted to enjoy those precious moments I was having with him.

“Maybe later, it is getting late. I should go home”.

“Okay, as you like. Salam!”

I made sure he was in his place, and I drove off his parking area back to the autostrade, driving home. I quickly took the iPod and pointed the blue highlight to Geri Halliwell and clicked play.

To Be Continued ...

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