April 12, 2007

:: My End in Sight

" We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts, engage in dialogue. We'd all slow down, rest without guilt, not lie without fear, disagree sans jugement. We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up. "

- Alanis Morissette


I drew circles.

Tears want to explode off my sorrowed eyes; flow down, wet my cheeks, going up my lip, down my tongue.

Salty, reminding me of the beach; the day I was with Him building a big castle of sand, bigger than the one I drew in my dreams.

More circles.

Salty tears reminding me the night I aimlessly drove when I knew that Miky was attracted to Shatz. The only person towards whom I felt real emotions, after my disastrous break-up, was playing me. Did he intend to do that? Finding myself stuck in the middle of that emotional ménage-à-trois was nothing but a never ending dark pit.

I wish I could figure out the reason he's still flirting me, dating me, asking my opinion. I wish I could figure out why I can't stop him from doing that to me. I just need to understand, why do I feel shacked?

Self confidence. I miss that, totally. Although I meet every now and then a perfectly fine person who knows when to start a chat, when to call and picks the right wine bottle; I never declare my feelings or intentions. Arrogance? No. I know I can make friends, but I don't have the slightest possibility in making love. I always shut up.

I did meet a few good people.

Do I have to claim them once I see them? Mark my prey by pissing on it?

Watch them go away? Share them with others and become a victim of my thoughts?

Helpless, I totally am.

Why have I been diverting my cell phone for the past five days? What am I hiding from? Why am I not logging into the online gay meat markets anymore?

Am I that hurt? Because of what?

Again, I found myself in Part Deux of Miky/Shatz/Digg story -and worse, since I am living it now.

I thought I was gaining grounds by making him trust me; Moods was so smart. It took months for him to show me his picture followed by weeks to exchange numbers.

He is hot. Seriously.

It only took a couple of days for Mark to date Moods four times.

I never met Moods. I don't know why. He has been asking me a lot, I never gave a precise answer. Not to myself at least. I loved how things were going over our daily one hour calls and hours of chats. I felt more secured that way.

Another missed call from him now on my mobile phone. He has been calling me like crazy since I diverted my phone; especially not even seeing me online on Windows Live. What am I trying to prove to myself?

I fake a smile.

I always do. I became good at that.

Why have I changed my PC and laptop wallpapers into this picture, taken on April 17th 2004?

I looked happy. We both did that day. He was hugging me, I can still feel His body and arms around me. A circle.

Does Moods even know that I have a crush on him?

I told him that a couple of times, in a totally indirect way. He's not the type that wants me to sing serenades to declare my attraction: he can feel the vibes.

Or is it me?

Am I too lost to be saved? Too broken to be fixed?

Too late?

If I could only make the universe revolve in the right direction. I would have tried fixing between Samer and Jack -they can't see how beautiful things might be if they just let go of their stupid arrogance. I would have made Shatz stay in Egypt, I don't want to loose such a good funny friend. I would have made Salmo's much needed trip real, that of course after making sure he gets laid soon. I would have tried convincing myself that I don't have a shot with Miky or Moods.

I would have tried removing His venom off my veins, for that I am addicted to a long gone fix.

I would have loved giving Ewan another true kiss, climb another mountain or had a smoke in the lighthouse. I would have looked for Ayman and asked him why has he disappeared.

I would have had more self confidence the other day, to walk towards that sexy looking guy and end his misery trying to grab my attention, I would have accepted Moods invitation for drinks in Sangria.

But this isn't my call.

I remain in my sanctuary, away from the earthquakes, volcanoes and twisters.

I miss myself.

This is Utopia,

This is my Utopia.
This is my Ideal, my end in sight.

This is my Utopia.
This is my Nirvana,
My Ultimate.

" I often find that, unless I have something that I have created, that I am aware of in my own mind to work toward but wander around aimlessly; so it's like a map of some sort that I shouldn't relay to strangely but one I can at least reference when I am on my path, so, mmm, it's kind of my higher vision, certainly I can't live everyday; I can I guess, I just... try to. "

- Alanis Morissette, talking about Utopia.

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Viz said...

Hi there men...
kisses from portugal...

Wild at Heart said...

C'est la vie! Sometimes we love and just don't feel any reaction on the other side. It happens, A LOT, so we will have to deal with it, and accept that sometimes, sadly, our feelings cannot cross anywhere than the wall around our hearts.
I once read a quote by John Osborne...might sound a little weird and depressing...but it's very ironically true! It goes like..."since I lost all hope, I felt much better."
It's always hope that makes us live our lives wanting, fearing, aching! Just let go Digg. Move on. You can't put your life on pause like that.Just push play and go on!

... and then God created Men! said...

Thanks Wild.
I love that quote, and your lines as well.

Viz said...

So glad u replied to my "kiss" lolol.
Always checking on you...
U speek greek?
How is gay life in egypt?
One more kiss

... and then God created Men! said...

I did learn a few greek, thanks to Ewan (Mou Lipis, Agapi Mou triology). Thanks for all the kisses dude!
You can have somehow on idea about gay life in Egypt through this blog :) It's pretty wild, if I may say!
Thanks again for checking.

the philosphical bastard said...

just wanted to drop by.. nice blog

Aden Mott said...

Wow!! I love those lyrics, Utopia is an amazing song!! Hope you like my blog, i am subscribing to yours!

... and then God created Men! said...

Thank you, Philo :) I really appreciate your comment.
Aden: Utopia rocks! Isn't Alanis one of the best? I loved that "new Alanis song" that you have on your blog.
Keep it up mate!

Deep Blue said...

I don't know why while I was reading this post this particular song came to my head :---->

I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around, I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens... and I wonder
I'm driving around in my car
I'm driving too fast I'm driving too far
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens... and I wonder
I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon tree
I'm sitting here I miss the power
I'd like to go out, taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired, put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens... and I wonder
Isolation is not good for me
Isolation, I don't want to sit on the lemon tree
I'm stepping around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen... and you wonder
I don't know why I saw you in this song driving your car through deserts of joy parched and searching for the unfounded love, and again taking another toy till your true one come. Rescue yourself my friend “if you allowed me to be one” and waiting on the top of the lemon tree is better than collecting rotten fruits falling from it, if you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

I regret, that I can help nothing. I hope, you will find the correct decision.

Anonymous said...

Between us speaking, it is obvious. I suggest you to try to look in google.com