:: My End in Sight

" We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts, engage in dialogue. We'd all slow down, rest without guilt, not lie without fear, disagree sans jugement. We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up. "

- Alanis Morissette

Circles.

I drew circles.

Tears want to explode off my sorrowed eyes; flow down, wet my cheeks, going up my lip, down my tongue.

Salty, reminding me of the beach; the day I was with Him building a big castle of sand, bigger than the one I drew in my dreams.

More circles.

Salty tears reminding me the night I aimlessly drove when I knew that Miky was attracted to Shatz. The only person towards whom I felt real emotions, after my disastrous break-up, was playing me. Did he intend to do that? Finding myself stuck in the middle of that emotional ménage-à-trois was nothing but a never ending dark pit.

I wish I could figure out the reason he's still flirting me, dating me, asking my opinion. I wish I could figure out why I can't stop him from doing that to me. I just need to understand, why do I feel shacked?

Self confidence. I miss that, totally. Although I meet every now and then a perfectly fine person who knows when to start a chat, when to call and picks the right wine bottle; I never declare my feelings or intentions. Arrogance? No. I know I can make friends, but I don't have the slightest possibility in making love. I always shut up.

I did meet a few good people.

Do I have to claim them once I see them? Mark my prey by pissing on it?

Watch them go away? Share them with others and become a victim of my thoughts?

Helpless, I totally am.

Why have I been diverting my cell phone for the past five days? What am I hiding from? Why am I not logging into the online gay meat markets anymore?

Am I that hurt? Because of what?

Again, I found myself in Part Deux of Miky/Shatz/Digg story -and worse, since I am living it now.

I thought I was gaining grounds by making him trust me; Moods was so smart. It took months for him to show me his picture followed by weeks to exchange numbers.

He is hot. Seriously.

It only took a couple of days for Mark to date Moods four times.

I never met Moods. I don't know why. He has been asking me a lot, I never gave a precise answer. Not to myself at least. I loved how things were going over our daily one hour calls and hours of chats. I felt more secured that way.

Another missed call from him now on my mobile phone. He has been calling me like crazy since I diverted my phone; especially not even seeing me online on Windows Live. What am I trying to prove to myself?

I fake a smile.

I always do. I became good at that.

Why have I changed my PC and laptop wallpapers into this picture, taken on April 17th 2004?

I looked happy. We both did that day. He was hugging me, I can still feel His body and arms around me. A circle.

Does Moods even know that I have a crush on him?

I told him that a couple of times, in a totally indirect way. He's not the type that wants me to sing serenades to declare my attraction: he can feel the vibes.

Or is it me?

Am I too lost to be saved? Too broken to be fixed?

Too late?

If I could only make the universe revolve in the right direction. I would have tried fixing between Samer and Jack -they can't see how beautiful things might be if they just let go of their stupid arrogance. I would have made Shatz stay in Egypt, I don't want to loose such a good funny friend. I would have made Salmo's much needed trip real, that of course after making sure he gets laid soon. I would have tried convincing myself that I don't have a shot with Miky or Moods.

I would have tried removing His venom off my veins, for that I am addicted to a long gone fix.

I would have loved giving Ewan another true kiss, climb another mountain or had a smoke in the lighthouse. I would have looked for Ayman and asked him why has he disappeared.

I would have had more self confidence the other day, to walk towards that sexy looking guy and end his misery trying to grab my attention, I would have accepted Moods invitation for drinks in Sangria.

But this isn't my call.

I remain in my sanctuary, away from the earthquakes, volcanoes and twisters.

I miss myself.

This is Utopia,

This is my Utopia.
This is my Ideal, my end in sight.
Utopia

This is my Utopia.
This is my Nirvana,
My Ultimate.

" I often find that, unless I have something that I have created, that I am aware of in my own mind to work toward but wander around aimlessly; so it's like a map of some sort that I shouldn't relay to strangely but one I can at least reference when I am on my path, so, mmm, it's kind of my higher vision, certainly I can't live everyday; I can I guess, I just... try to. "

- Alanis Morissette, talking about Utopia.