:: Him (interlude)

" Don't want to think about it,
Don't want to talk about it,
I'm just so sick about it,
Can't believe it's ending this way.
Just so confused about it,
Feeling the blues about it,
I just can't do without ya,
Tell me is this fair? "

- Justin Timberlake.

Picture this: A warm summer night in mid April, about three years after their mere souls had met. Right next to the wall on which they planted the Honeysuckle with its sweet white yellowish flowers which aroma was delightfully covering the whole garden, by that time reduced to become a garage for His family's cars, right on top of the large marble steps that lead to His family's house entrance; Digg stood in front of Him shacked, unfocused with an urge to cry, if only his head could fully get what He was telling him.

There, right infront of Digg, He was sitting, crossing his legs while wearing a white sortie-de-bain that He had bought earlier from Malaysia. Calmly and confidently, He was stressing on one decision, His own. That time, He didn't seem threatening Digg with what He was saying or wanted to make him reconsider what they have been fighting about, that time it was real. He was sure and decided. Digg could barely stop himself from acting foolishly and diminishing himself more and beyond the limit that a Leo guy could draw for his Pride, but surely he was acting according to his Love enslavement.

Four hours earlier, Digg was planing the usual 3rd of each month's outing with Him. He was doing it just because they were used to do it, out of habit. If it was up to him, Digg wouldn't have even thought about reserving in La Casetta their favorite table number 3, wouldn't have spent the whole day thinking what to wear and how to look, and most importantly, how to conceal the mess he was feeling inside. He kept on lying to himself, even if they were separated by then. He went back to his family's house and Digg had to stay alone in his place; the given reason was that He had to be next to His parents helping them renovate their house, although on the last day they were living together in their place, Digg ran into Him in City Stars mall having a date, instead of picking the new bathroom with His parents as He had claimed before He went out that night, comforting Digg that He would quickly check what His parents wanted and would be back early.

I still remember how I felt, and it still hurts.

Digg called Him up to confirm the outing, even though his bitter sweet voice was announcing a storm, Digg really wanted to make that phase pass. For him, it was just another broken moment revolving that they would definitely come over with their love and strong belief in their shared future. Digg was addicted to a toxin that his very own brain was producing to ease his pain, while slowly destroying his self esteem, confidence and belief functions. The way Digg built a castle surrounding both of him and his partner was making him feel that a Trojan Horse could never get inside their protected life. There could be inner riots sometimes, but things had to calm down soon after, by all means: Troy had to survive.

"When will you pass by?", asked Digg while walking towards the balcony, a hand on the front of his head while the other firmly holding his cellular phone, as he always does when he is on his nerves. "I reserved tonight in La Casetta."

"You finally called!", He answered.

"I should call you, as always."

"Well, I'll pass around, 10 is cool?"

Digg looked around him while opening the balcony and stepping out to have some fresh air: "But we can't go like this. Too much tension, don't you think? We should talk about it."

Silence, that seemed like ages for both of them. He slowly said: "I dun wanna talk about nothing. If you'll be going out tonight while looking like crap so we dun meet better, OK?"

"How? How you don't wanna talk about it! Hey! I can't go out like this anyway.. we have to meet and talk reasonably! This is going beyond than whatever I could bare!"

"Digg, I told you, I dun need shit tonight. I'm going out with my friends. Salam!", and He hung up. For the first time, Digg's rage couldn't be controlled. He SMSed Him, called Him and asked Him to meet. When he got no response, Digg decided going to His place, if He didn't have enough courage to come over and talk about it like adults, Digg should go knock on His door and force Him to talk.

While driving, Digg kept remembering how things suddenly changed, how he found himself in a split of a second with a person that wasn't the same that he had fell in love with 3 years before. Digg could barely remember those delicate nights when He used to pass by him every Friday, at midnight, after He had finished work. How Digg used to count 6 days, then 24 hours till He called him: "Come down, I'm waiting". Digg couldn't shake the picture of His eager eyes and thrilling touch when He met him downstairs. Digg wouldn't trade anything in the world for those nights when He used to drive aimlessly in the dark Korba streets and just talk about everything. Digg would never let go the pictures and moments he keeps in his mind when they first traveled together to Dahab, and for the first time, their in need bodies, lusting for each other's warm touch, met and expressed their desires. The first seconds they kissed, the way they undressed, the passion they expressed, the moments of holding each other's bodies all night long, crept in that King size bed while the House Radio played Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits that they asked the Concierge to queue, could never be erased from Digg's existence. The days they spent looking for a house, difficulties they faced but comfort they got later was beyond any explanation.

Why? Why did You trade all this? Were You living a lie?

Digg couldn't also easily forget the day when He decided starting His new and final game, commonly used and exhausted by its playbacks. He announced having a dream. In Hell it was. "Digg I can't keep on having this with you. That dream I had, it was too real and vivid. I'm not gonna waste both of our eternal lives because of some earthly related lusts and desires".

Was it because of earthly and mortal lusts and desire, or was it Me, holding You back from Your mortal lusts and desires?

Digg was driving faster now, he wanted to reach His place and understand what He was wanted, that time. As he was pressing on the gaz pedal, he remembered how he was squeezed by Him when He was going with Digg home, playing Quran in the car all the time and keeping different explanatory books about "Death", "Armageddon Day", "Tomb Torture" and "Prayers for the Dead". Digg found himself out of control, for the past 3 weeks things haven't been changed. No more talk except about Religion, no more laughs, no more cuddling, no more sex: two strangers sharing an apartment. Digg took the newly discovered booklets and went through quickly. He suddenly looked at Him and asked:
"What is that?"

"I know you never believed in Religion, Digg. This is what we are and we'll be doomed", He answered while taking the right turn in Khalifa al Ma'moun Street.

"How do you judge me like this? You have been going extreme for the past month! Enough!"

"This is how things are gonna be, for good".

"Death? Prayers for the Dead? One day, you'll read these on my Tomb", answered Digg while throwing the booklets against the car's windshield. He can vaguely remember what he said in that rage he felt, but he remembers going out of the car.. and remembers how He threw Digg's CK Crave perfume off the window, and how he saw it being smashed by His car's back tires.

Digg reached His place, parked infront of the big entrance and called Him. No answer. He wouldn't ignore an SMS saying that Digg was waiting outside. A couple of minutes later, He opened the Gate, while He was wearing His white sortie-de-bain. "I was showering, Digg! Wait for me in the garden. I'll be right back!". Digg was silent, his trembling body wasn't helping him. He missed Him a lot. It was the first time they met and talked after the dinner they had had together. Digg remembers well when he saw Him accidentally in City Stars Mall: He looked so fine. What a lucky date He had! He tried convincing Digg that He was meeting His straight friends. Digg wanted to believe. He believed Him even after he came back to the Mall, and, again, saw Him walking out in a hurry and taking off with His car. When Digg asked Him the following morning what He had done the night before, He said that he stayed in City Stars till 1 AM. Digg wanted to live in lies, because he loved His lies.

Slowly, Digg walked up the marble steps and looked at the Honeysuckle's yellow flower. He knows how much time it took to fix all those nails in place to give the plant the space to grow and cover the wall. He couldn't stop a smile on his face when he remembered watering them then turned the hose on Him. He laughed, jumped over Digg while making sure he would get totally soaking wet.. wasn't that almost a year ago? Why things changed? Digg couldn't understand, and he was ready to sacrifice more for the person he loved.

He came out after twenty minutes, sat down on the white chair and asked Digg:

"Why are you here?"

"We needed to talk. I can't bare it anymore. Why are you so distant? I do miss you."

"Digg, I am afraid that... it can't be anymore."

I stood in front of Him shacked, unfocused with an urge to cry, if only my head could fully get what He was telling me. Was He serious? He is saying it.

"No. We can. We can always fix this."

He crossed his legs and said: "Digg, I tried a lot; but I am tortured. This is not correct what we are doing. I was hinting all the time but you refused listening. I might be breaking your heart now, but trust me, this is for our good."

I couldn't stop my tears from dropping. I was actually listening to what I feared most. I dropped on my knees, and begged him. I can never forget that picture, how humiliated I was, but I am not regretting it, not for the one I loved:

"Please don't say that. We can find a common ground, I can live with this but don't leave me."

"Digg, you are a great person", He said while leaning forward, "I want you as a friend".

That wasn't in my relationships dictionary. Friends can evolve into lovers, but it doesn't downgrade. I refused the concept. I refused to give up.

Three months later, I had to give up.

Three months more, I knew the truth.

A year later, I saw his fucks, dates, cheats, relationships, reputation, lies.

Today, I am still not over Him.

Him, If you read this, know that I don't regret a single moment that I spent with you. I am still in Love with the person you were with me during those precious 3 years of our lives; even if they were a lie to you, they were the concrete truth for me.

He, I am still keeping my promise that I told you in our last phone call we had 18 months ago. I can see you couldn't keep yours.

You, bare in mind one thing: What goes around, comes around. Twice.

" Hey Boy,
Is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world,
You had me in the palm of your hand.
So why your love went away,
I just can't seem to understand.
Thought it was me and you, baby;
Me and you until the end.
But I guess I was wrong.

Don't want to think about it,
Don't want to talk about it,
I'm just so sick about it,
Can't believe it's ending this way.
Just so confused about it,
Feeling the blues about it,
I just can't do without ya,
Tell me is this fair?

Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Shoulda known better when you came around,
That you were gonna make me cry,
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around,
Cause I know that you're living a lie,
But that's ok, baby, cause in time you will find:
What goes around, goes around, goes around, don't go away, back around "