:: I Fell For an Enigma - [Part I]

"Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you?"

-Nadia Ali

Although it was mid July when we met, I was freezing. My heart was like a cold stone inside my chest; too heavy to carry, too uncomfortable to move around with and too hurt to feel. The amount of tears I cried left my eyes dry, yet I was so much in need to let go more sorrow out of my soul. I could barely talk to anyone, since I didn't have friends that would listen to me. I had just come out of my only relationship. So had Miky.

Welcome to the Broken Hearts Valley. The land where freshly ended relationships victims thrive and try to cope with life. That's where I met Miky, a handsome 26 years old engineer, capricorn and full of surprises. We kept on talking over the phone for a while, I neither had seen him nor had seen his picture but I was interested in his personality: he was young with a successful career, spoke fluent French in addition to English and Arabic. When we finally decided meeting, I was planing my trip to Sharm al Sheikh. I called him that afternoon and asked him where to find an open EgyptAir office since it was already late for them.

- "In Nasr City; infront of Wonder Land", he answered. I thanked him and went to fetch my tickets. Soon after the call, an SMS came announcing if I was interested in meeting him; since he would be nearby. I agreed instantly and even forgot about the tickets, I wanted to see the mysterious guy as well as wanted to start dating again and discovering life in a new perspective. When I reached Mustafa al Nahass street, right after I crossed the horrible Al Tawheed wal Noor Mall, and waiting in the never ending red light in that horribly heavy in traffic area, I called Miky telling him I would be in front of EgyptAir in 5 minutes. He told me that he was stuck in the same red light area where I were. A sign? I insisted on seeing him, I stepped out of the car, fought the heat of the mid July Cairo sun, the blinding pollution and cars, buses, microbus and motorcycles horns and looked around me. There he was, waving at me. For a second, all the surrounding dirt, noise, heat and chaos were reduced to his motion, a wave, a breeze that hit me. He looked fantastic and attractive. Cars started moving, so I rushed back inside my vehicle and told him over the phone:

- "I got you!".

"Yeah, I saw you too. Listen Digg, I need to quickly go home shower then get back to you. I just finished Gym and I really don't want to go out with you like this". He looked great like that; but of course not for a first date. Date? It wasn't a date. We agreed that it wouldn't be one.

- "Sure. You go. Time I get my tickets!".

I was happy; and I was thinking that maybe I was rewarded with the correct guy right after my 3 years heart break. Maybe Destiny did all that for this greater plan. I was waiting for my mobile to ring his name when I got an SMS: I am waiting outside, come. I stepped out of the air tickets office and saw him waiting for me in his car. I sat and was taken by the Hugo perfume that was enveloping him. He was like one of the magazine models for me. He looked fine, and was glorified in my mind with his great extras that I was always seeking in a date: French, young age, successful career, independent, mature and experienced. He asked me where I would like to go; I instantly answered: Giordano's. He looked fit for that calm and elegant restaurant.

- "Okay, but you have to tell me how to get there!", he said while smiling. I started my directions. He was silent, not as I was used to him over the phone or through the SMSs we were exchanging. I could feel him tensed but controlling it. As soon as we reached the spot, Miky calmed down. He ordered a diet Sprite, since he wasn't a hot drinks amateur. I asked for my ordinary Latté. Miky tried not to talk about his previous love relationship, instead, he kept on talking about who he is. He felt comfortable to the extent of telling me about his private life and the project he was about to make:

- "I am opening a new branch for Guess soon in Maadi. I am finishing all the legal paper work now."

I smiled while I felt my stomach jumping inside of me: "That's so nice. When is the grand opening?"

- "Sometime in February 2006, you'll be the first to know the exact date", he answered while leaning forward, then he continued: "Actually I am really scared. It is a big step for me, I mean, I just decided doing this with my friend Hossam and I really hope things go well from there. I already spent too much in the shop and not really sure I will be having enough customers and sales to cover all that."

- "You know Miky, expect in your launch a very marginal amount of sales, but if you manage controlling the first storms, you'll consolidate yourself later." I felt good sharing him this private news he told me; I felt closer for some reason. Was it the solitude I was feeling? Was he filling the void that I suddenly had inside of me? I knew I wasn't ready to start any new adventure in my life; but he was too good to be left.

Two lovely weeks passed afterwards. We were SMSing all the time, informing each other about every thing we made and would do during the day. We were kicking off nicely; slowly and casually. One more nice week. Then silence. For some reason we stopped calling or SMSing each other for a month.

It was 2 days before Ramadan when he called me. I felt happy seeing his name on my mobile; answered quickly and showed how delighted I was with his call. I was in shock when I heard him talking over the phone. I could feel a very sad tone in his voice and a very shacked person pronouncing incomprehensible combination of words. When I insisted on knowing what was wrong with him, he just said:

- "Digg, I have been visiting a Psychiatric. I can't get over my ex-boyfriend.". That was when I felt he needed me. His rescue me call became evident when he started crying on the phone, telling me how he has been taking all those sleeping pills and mixture of other things he even ignores what was their composition or effect, how he felt totally exposed to a doctor who didn't believe in homosexuality and how he was very confused about his own sexual preferences. He told me that he was totally attracted to boys but he could never keep living in that lifestyle. He wanted to change, to get married. When I heard that, I felt smashed yet I promised him that I would be next to him in every decision he wanted. He was too weak, and really needed me. It was time to put aside all my feelings and desires, I had to start treating him like a friend and make him go through this mess correctly, away from that medication freak doctor of his.

- "Can we meet tomorrow? I really need to talk to you".

Around 9 PM, one broken hearted guy met a medically broken soul in Cilantro, City Stars. That night, I saw Miky in a very different way: he was very fragile and vulnerable, wanted to laugh and talk, barely could control his tears and the pills he was taking every couple of hours... and I was falling deeper and deeper for that pure heart and sexy look. He talked more and more about his personal life, his beloved nephew, sister and parents. He was making the fact of accepting him as a friend harder and harder with the way he was mingling me in his life through our daily meetings and meeting in Cilantro Maadi, al Nasr Street at 2 AM just to sit in the open air area, show me his family photos, eMails and pictures from his ex-Lover; or simply asking me to join him when he wants to shop and doesn't buy those Timberland shoes or even D&G underwear unless I see them. I started recharging my iPod with Enrico Macias, Maireille Mathieu, Danny Brillant, Françoise Hardy and all those french songs he played when we went out together. I used to listen to a Tiesto track when suddenly I felt I wanted to play a Ma Maison or Il a neigé sur Mykonos. How strange it is when a person is easily influenced by the one he's attracted to.

- "I bought these yesterday from Springfield", he said while taking out a nice pull-over out of the finely wrapped plastic bag. "What do you think about these?"

I looked at the color and shape and answered: "Miky, you do have like 3 of these in your locker. Don't you want to change at least the color?". He just took the pull-over and re-wrapped it. The following day, he exchanged it for 2 shirts.

I became a pillar in his life, and he became a forbidden fruit in my garden. I kept my feelings inside of me, while seeing him getting slowly over his previous relationship and actually taking positive actions towards all the medication he was addicted to by that time. He stopped his doctor visits and his life started stabilizing again. That's when I visited his shop for the first time, two weeks before the scheduled opening. I don't remember feeling any happier smelling that fresh paint, walking on the dusty porcelain and checking the new A/C; playing with air bubbles wrap, walking into a small bathroom and standing behind a covered wooden counter; seeing him smiling, asking what I think and pointing at the place where GUESS will be installed the following morning. After all that time together and moments we shared, we were Lovers, without physical contact.

After that night, I couldn't hold it anymore. As soon as I reached Armando, I SMSed him, plainly, clearly: Do you think we have a shot together? I waited his answer. A couple of minutes later, I quickly tapped on my screen when I read the 1 new message announcement: Digg I like u alot. u r so special 2 me & so precious. I thought many times abt us n how it would b great, but I fear losing u. I need u in my life so much & the safest choice is friendship. I dnt want 2 risk, love alwys ends but i nvr want to end it wz u. Was that a smart "No, sorry, I am not interested in you?" answer? I SMSed back, wishing him good night; and lit a cigarette; I really needed that.

On the Opening night, I made sure the appropriate Flower delivery would be on time, along with a simple card on which I wrote: GUESS who thinks you are more than a special friend? I quickly visited him then left. He called me later that night:

- "Thank you Digg."

- "Come on, for what Miky? It was just Flow.."

- "No, thank you for being always here. Please. Don't leave me, no matter what happens". I couldn't understand why he was insisting on saying this too many times lately, I just promised him that I would never leave him, no matter what. I couldn't realize by then that I had totally tightened myself to a roller coaster with such simple words I said in a late night talk over a mobile call.

By that time, Samer was already in my life, as well as Shats. In one of our nights cruising around Jardino, I felt like talking about Miky. I roughly told Samer about Miky's outlined story, how I felt and how things were too complicated.

- "I don't know the person", said Samer after his usual deep reflection face expression while building up a very convincing and deep answer, "he is different; and I am not saying it in neither a good nor a bad way. Digg, I only care about you and your feelings. If you are hurt, then he is bad. I can see him acting strangely and randomly, and that might lead to bad things!"

That's when Shats said: "You know what, just live the moment. You like the guy now, enjoy your outings, diners and good events. Don't give it much thinking. If anything is supposed to happen, it will". Damn it Shats, you always take it easy and I wish I could do that sometime. He simplified my almost one year dilemma in a bunch of words: Enjoy your outings, have fun, and fuck others! I liked that analysis.

About a week later, I visited Miky in his Store; by then I was visiting him more frequently. There weren't many sales and he was afraid if things don't get better soon, he would have to end this business. I did my best pushing him and promising him how things would be a lot better later. I waited till 11 PM, turned off the lights and he locked the store. I was parking far from his shop so he insisted on driving me. That Hugo perfume was still there, I remembered how I felt the first time we met; and how confused I was that time. We were very close and knew almost everything about each other yet nothing could be done to push any of this great mutual attraction forward. Friends, he said. I was in a mess when I was near him: I couldn't decide whether I should flirt or casually laugh? Give more hints about what I feel or try coping with the situation the way it was? I quickly found myself infront of my car. I was saying goodbye, when he pulled me closer and just kissed me. I felt his tender, warm, soft, passionate lips right on mine... After one full year, I flew!

I'd wake up, and make love to you if i had you
I would touch you so much, but I'm not allowed to
What I hate is to wait, but in this case I'm patient
I'm discreet, I'm not weak, I just need the moment
He wants me, he wants me not
I want everything he's got
If I leaned over and tried to kiss you
Would I be wrong, after so long to kiss you
Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you
At least I can dream of you in a scene, when I'd kiss you
On one hand, we are friends, but still my mind wanders
Through side streets and alleys, I just keep growing fonder
To stop me is not easy, can't stop a lion from hunting
I'm focused, I won't miss, there's no control of some things

If I leaned over and tried to kiss you
Would I be wrong, after so long to kiss you
Would you pretend, we're only friends, if I kissed you
At least I can dream of you in a scene, when I'd kiss you

- Kiss You, Nadia Ali

>> Proceed to Part II