:: unforGUETTAble

" We met for a moment and then it's goodbye,
but I just lived a lifetime with you in my mind:
What would it be to live in your world,
if you were my boy and I was your guy.
It's crazy this spell you have me under!
I know it can't be but I'll always wonder:
What would my life be living in your arms,
I feel I'll never know.
and what would you say,
if I were to stay,
and just go your way? "

- Rachael Starr.

Sharm al-Sheikh: Land of freedom. A place where most people head to, not only to have their crazy escapades in the mountains, deep in the red sea or in a wasted brand named night club, but also land of various sexcapades that most of the Egyptians tend to experience since being there, the sky is the limit. People are happy, enjoying their vacation in a luxurious way. Foreigners who want to be entertained, or seek hot Egyptian studs to have a sexy full of passion and heated vacation let themselves carried by hunks, gay people who openly show that they are together; enjoy each other's presence without any judgmental look from the Egyptian community, except for one person who had to control his eye contacts and behavior: me!

The night before we head to Sharm as planned to join David Guetta's session in Pacha with my Carl (Intoxicating), I was exquisitely delighted when he called me up and wanted to meet up for drinks. He finally initiated the call, and I started building a marvelous scenario that would carry me away for the following three days and nights in Sharm. Heat, Terrazzina beach dancing on the sand, in the sea, around the fire, ecstasy, alcohol, Pacha, Little Buddha, passion, thrill, temptation and most probably a second passionate night, me and Carl, venting all the acquired tension and need for delirious body contact on bed. The need of his existence and the thirst for another thrust were controlling my senses. How many times have I played First Time track? My iPod topped it, and it won't be reached unless I spin other records a hundred times. Drinks with Carl, I really needed that. I wanted to be closer to him again, even by sharing a seat next to him in his car.

I picked him up from his place in Cairo and we quickly went to Drinkie's for a drinks charge. IDs were our choice and House was our music. We drove around a bit, started drinking and talking about new tracks, outings, parties and of course the long awaited gig. When we got tipsy, Carl suggested going somewhere more fun, to show-off. He quickly suggested FBI area; and I liked the idea. I drove him back to his car, gave him my iPod's FM connector set to frequency 99.3 and we both were rocking the same tune he was transmitting. We raced on Mohandessin streets, played on the 6th of October bridge and when that Hyundai car tried to lock my way, he quickly made sure to open up space for me just not to lose his tail, and the music!

FBI Area: A simple Mobil gas station, filled with a line of food and beverage shops that was known as a hang out place for boys and gals who want to show off their music, cars or themselves. We picked the last place and parked next to each other, lowered the windows and let the house mixes blow everybody's minds. Drunk by then, we were drinking and raving to the music, in the open. It started dancing in my mind along with my body moves the sensational pleasure and haunting ideas of having Carl more and more. If I ever pictured a boyfriend to be, he would totally fit in the picture with his successful life, raving style and careless lifestyle when it comes to having fun. He knew how to enjoy; and I was enjoying him.

It started getting late and guys were leaving. We hadn't had enough yet, we kept on the beat till early morning driving randomly in Cairo's calm and beautiful streets at night. I laughed and loved his laughter. He turned me on even more; but were I allowed to show my care? After our night together in Agami, I couldn't understand the change in his behavior. Were I his friend? I couldn't bare the idea of being rejected, yet all the signs were reflecting casualty and ease whenever we meet. Even though all my hidden flirts online were smartly blocked by his subtle answers, I didn't want to reject the idea of maybe things would be different in Sharm.

By 7 in the morning, I was back home. I barely slept for four hours when I got his call:

"Digg! How are you boy?"

"Fine", I answered while yawning, "Tell me what's up mate!"

"Get ready! I'll pick you up in a couple of hours. Direction: Sharm!"

"What!", I quickly said, "Weren't we supposed to take off at night? I mean the hotel reservations aren't on till tomorrow morning."

"Don't worry, boy", he answered, "my friends have a plan!".

"Hell okay! I need to prepare my bag then!"

Before I end the call, I jumped in the shower to freshen up then started packing. I was still under the alcohol's effect and felt delighted.

Around 2 PM, he called me. I quickly went to meet him up. While walking closer to his car, I noticed a silhouette of some person sitting next to him. I was curious: he mentioned that his cousin and a friend would join us, but I didn't expect seeing any of them that soon.

"Hey boy!", he said while I was getting into his car. "Digg, this is Joe. Joe, meet Digg". I quickly saluted the guy, and to my surprise he was a barely 20 years old kid under his large sun glasses. Soft, sweet and awfully cute. Jealousy hit me. Who was that kid? Only Joe. No details, no information, nothing. I was glad that I was having my Police on, otherwise, Carl and his Joe could see fire jumping off my eyes.

He was quiet; and I was quitter. Carl quickly briefed me that he had to go back to Mohandessin to meet up with his friends and start driving all together to Sharm; that's when Joe talked. I can't remember what he said, but he had a low tone, and I didn't want to listen to what he said. I just laid my head back and surrendered to the Greg di Mano set that was being played. The way Carl acted with Joe made me angry -without a reason. The fact that I wasn't his center of attention made me jealous; and the way he was touching and looking at Joe burnt me. Were I just another one night stand guy who just turned into friendship because we shared the same interests? Was Joe his new conquest? Is he going to stay with him in one room and leaving me wonder silently and regret the whole trip? Haunted with ideas, I was sitting in the back seat.

When we reached the meeting point, a bunch of guys, straight and hot were out there. They were talking about drugs, ecstasies and alcohol. I wanted to join them, but I always had this fear of facing a group of friends. I preferred waiting in the car, playing Solitaire on my i-mate. Fifteen minutes later, Joe came next to my open window and said:

"Hey! Staying in the car to play Solitaire?"

"It comes in handy when you're disconnected, huh!", I said while looking at him. He barely drew a smile of his baby face and left. Forty minutes later, Carl and Joe were back in the car; with a new barely 17 years old friend! The trip started turning into a children summer camp in Sharm. Carl introduced the new kid to me, Herly. He was half Venezuelan; from what I knew later. He was the younger brother of one of Carl's friends. I knew that our car would be the "drugs free" one. We had to wait till his friends were loaded with cocaine in order to join us.

"What to do now, guys?", asked Carl, "We are supposed to wait till they get the stuff".

"Let's get our drinks and wait in FBI", I suggested.

Quickly we loaded the car with Heineken cans and waited for a couple of hours in FBI. When it started getting late, Carl called his friends: they were still waiting for the drugs.

"What do you think boys? Hit the road?". Obviously we all agreed.

Cans opened, smokes lit, loud music played, we were on the long 6 hours drive way to Sharm. I learnt that Joe was alcohol and smoke free person; actually Carl was the one who said and refused when Herly suggested opening him a Heineken. I was bewildered with his attitude, but what the hell! I was supposed to go and enjoy my trip, my gig, my time! When we reached the toll gate, Joe casually opened Carl's wallet and took out the money. Wasn't that too intimate? It hit me more when Joe simply answered Carl's phone based on his desire. Those guys were acting as boyfriends. Off my dreams flew away!

It was around 10:30 PM when we reached Sharm and Carl's friends were still in Cairo. We had no place to stay and it was getting cold. We drove around a bit and kept on contacting his friend Kane in order to know more when they would be able to join us and what were their plans concerning the night in Sharm. We finally got a vague answer, after several non answered calls to Kane, that they were going to check a couple of resort in Neama Bay area.

"Sharm, on Feast day, David Guetta's eve, and no reservation? Were they nuts finding a place now?", I asked, astonished by the news.

"Kane said that they know the manager of a couple of places in here, we should try to reach him".

We tried reaching him till 2 in the morning, in vain. We finally parked in Neama Bay View resort and, exhausted, Carl sat next to me in the back seat and asked Herly to drive if the manager appears. We were half sleeping, cold and uncomfortably sitting. I looked at Carl sitting next to me and surrendering to the situation and smiled. I quickly said:

"You know what, we're going to remember this and laugh!"

He tilted his head and answered, without looking at me:

"Yeah, let's just hope passing this night!"

A BMW's headlights hit us. I heard Herly talking to some guy who felt pity for us. It turned out to be the manager:

"Listen guys, I have my own Villa at the end of the resort. You stay there for the night and we'd see what to do tomorrow". Both Herly and Joe went to check it out; that's when I couldn't hold it anymore:

"Carl?".

"mmmm?".

"Who is Joe?".

"He's my cousin".

"Oh!", I answered, "He seems like a nice kid. Innocent!".

Fuck! I kept repeating in my head. That's why all the care and intimacy! Carl was responsible of his cousin! Even though I felt guilty, but still I hated Joe being Carl's center of attention. In fact, Joe was the typical image of the spoiled kid who needs anything in the moment. Totally irresponsible and a serious burden.

We got in the Villa which was big enough to host all of the gang. We quickly went to bed. Joe and Carl took the large bed, while I quietly took the side one and tried to get some rest. Herly stayed up, waiting for the rest of the boys.

At 5 AM, loud knocking.

Voices. People talking. Music loudly played.

I was too drunk and tired to react.

It was around 11 AM when I woke up. Carl was already moving in his bed and Joe was awake. We slowly went out to freshen up. I shaved, then went to the living room where I found 4 people sleeping on the couch, on the floor and on a chair. I spotted Joe and Carl somewhere sitting in the darkened room. We started talking in a low tone, not to wake anyone's up.

"Looks like they are totally fucked up already!", I whispered.

"Yeah! But don't worry, they'll jump soon", whispered back Carl.

"So what are we supposed to do today concerning the Hotel reservation?", I asked.

"Well I was thinking", said Carl, "We should cancel it and stay in here. I mean the after party will be in this very same place, why would we get disconnected from the guys?".

"Oh okay. So it's final. I will call the hotel now and make sure we'd cancel our reservations then we go pick up our tick...", I couldn't finish whispering my last sentence since Kane started moving. I felt guilty for waking him up, since I was the last one to talk. We all looked at him and I was watching him moving, hoping that I hadn't bothered him. Kane said:

"Guys! Talk louder! This low tone is annoying me!" I stayed frozen; was he talking seriously; or making fun? He then looked at me. I looked back. His eye contact was so piercing I had to look away for a second, then looked back at him, wondering whether he was really annoyed or it was okay. Kane got up, looked at the other friends then walked to the bathroom. I quickly looked at him moving away, and kept my mouth shut, except answering his Good Morning!

Half an hour later, Carl suggested bringing in breakfast. I changed and went down to wait for him in the car. A few minutes later, Carl went down. When he got in the car, he took off his sun glasses and said:

"Digg, did you look at Kane in a strange way?"

"Huh?", I quickly answered, "What do you mean strange way?"

"Well, he just took me aside and told me you looked at him in a bad way. He asked if you were gay!"

"What?", I said, terrorized.

"Listen Digg. This trip is totally straight. All people in here are straight. No gay talks. No gay looks. No gay crap! You need to take care!"

I felt a frozen hand squeezing my heart when I heard him saying that. I just mumbled:

"I know! You don't have to tell me so. When I looked at Kane I was feeling guilty for waking him up! What all this fuss!"

"I of course denied everything, but you just need to pay more attention".

I stayed silent. Joe joined us and we brought breakfast from McDonald's.

Carl changed. I felt him avoiding me. Everybody was loosely dancing to the loud music, drinking and I was calculating every single gesture I was having. I felt horribly guilty and ashamed of what happened; and above all, felt bad that Carl had to control all his actions to avoid Kane's judgmental thoughts.

It was aroud 3 PM when Carl suggested going to Terrazzina. I soundly welcomed the idea: anything to go out of this place and Kane's existence. Carl, Joe and I got in the House music themed beach and, again, smoked and more alcohol I felt happy dancing in the sea. Carl still avoiding me; but what the hell! I was high and happy enjoying water, music and sun.

Time flew and we were already going around midnight to Pacha. After checking in the VIP area and making sure our Tequila bottle was well served with lime and salt, Carl and I started warming up with shots while Joe was having his Soda. Ecstasy's effect started tickling my skin and eyes. Tequila's power took control of my head with music; yet I had to control my acts: Carl's cousin was around.

David Guetta was spinning and I took over a dancing stool right next to the gigantic speakers. I was raving, lost in the music away from my thoughts when Carl joined me on top of the stool. We danced together, touched each other and I was suddenly alerted with the fact of Joe's presence. I looked around, he was slowly dancing somewhere, not aware of what was going on. My obsession was blinding and disconnecting me. Maybe Carl let go a couple of seconds, but he quickly realized that he had to stop what he was doing. Was he worried by Joe's presence? Or was it me? His friend and making sure that I wouldn't get wrong message.

Half an hour later, a couple of his friends showed up and again, I felt really bad remembering Kane's incident. I went up the high dancing stool and tried raving the haunting ideas off my mind. I started blurring under the ecstasy and Tequila's mixed effect. A certain hot American girl asked me to help her get on the stool with me. I gladly did and started raving with her. In her hot short black skirt, she kept on bending, touching my crotch with her ass. I quickly glanced at Carl and his friends, they were looking at me. I took advantage of the moment: that would be the perfect timing to save Carl's ass from the accusation. I started dirty dancing and shamelessly raving with the chick. She turned around, took off my Police sun glasses and wore them while giving me a sip from her Screw Driver. She looked at my lips, and we were making out, on top of the stool, surrounded by David Guetta's Music and under Carl and his friends' eyes.

That wasn't how I pictured my night to be, at all.

I quickly ended the kiss, and kept on raving her. She leaned next to my ear, and while sensing her hot breath on my nick heard her saying: "You're a good dancer", then a few seconds later, "... and kisser!".

I wanted Carl badly. I wanted him the one I'd kiss, dance, rave and fuck!

We left at 6 in the morning. And because Joe was hungry, we had to swing by Pizza Hut. After ordering and sitting down, totally fucked up and barely opening our eyes because of the lights, Carl said:

"Digg, I am sorry".

I looked at Joe, then looked at Carl and said:

"What for?"

"I am sorry for what I told you this morning. I really mean it, but you haven't seen how Kane said it. It was really hurtful! He even asked me to leave!".

I looked down then said: "I feel bad too, I genuinely do."

I really did feel bad. not because of that incident, but because I knew by then that Carl had totally classified me as a friend. I felt bad because I sensed in his tone and attitude during the whole trip and gig total avoidance and total concentration on how not to make me get a wrong vibe.

I felt bad because I like him; and I still do. I felt bad because I drew too much stories; and raised my expectations up and high. I felt worse because I couldn't tell him how I felt, but keeping it all inside. My pride and self esteem couldn't be hit again with any rejection. Carl would always remain dear and close to me, even if he doesn't share the same emotions. I'd accept him the way he wants us to be; at least, I might be always keeping a spark in the back of my mine, maybe, next time; there won't be neither a Kane, nor a Joe.

Pizza was served.

Happy Birthday, Carl.

" Beg your pardon
Am I interrupting?
But there's something,
That's been bothering me.
When the wind blows,
It pushes me in your direction.
I can't fight it.

Any longer! "

- DJ Sumantri ft. Plural