February 13, 2013
January 28, 2013
January 22, 2013
What I Just Wrote and Deleted on Facebook
January 07, 2013
December 28, 2012
Shivers!
He just introduced me as his boyfriend to two straight girls.
I felt shivers of joy running up my spine.
I leaned on his shoulder and said:
"This is the first time you ever introduce me so!"
His smile. His smile froze me.
I'm in love.
December 19, 2012
Post after Post after Post
It's only here where I can say what I feel like and kept anonymous -well at least for most people-
It comforts me just posting nagging empty posts. More like messages in bottles that drift away. Maybe someone would read them and mirrors what I'm going through. At least I won't be the only one in this.
I want to leave this gathering and go home. Cover myself and stay away from all these talks, faking I'm interested in their talks or having to laugh at empty stories.
If I could undo all this and take back my old slutty care-free life... I wouldn't do it. I am enjoying every bit of this torture. I'm addicted to his skin. His presence. His scent that I will greatly miss soon.
I wish he could understand me right now, hugs me, and allows me crying on his chest till I sleep this night away.
If only.
No Title
I am not okay with him leaving. I am not alright with him moving. I am not fine with this whole ordeal and I am certainly not fine with people trying to make me feel better about it. I just need to stay alone. I just want to be left alone.
My life has changed and I am not willing to let this go; even if this is letting me go.
I do my best fighting tears not to erupt. It's shocking me though.
And it is intense.
December 12, 2012
Chastity
I true-ly am.
Completely.
Inside-out.
December 08, 2012
A Drifting Heart
Sitting at the barber shop waiting for my turn. Couldn't stop my tears from falling while driving the few kilometres distance between home and here. Egypt is on fire, rambles, riots, lies and murders. Falling all of this, I only think of you.
I only think of what he told me this morning. It explained his strange behaviour for the past week.
When I agreed venturing into this commitment, I knew crystal clear that he might not be staying in Egypt; but honestly, I didn't think it would be that soon. We merely passed two or three months together. I didn't get enough of people saying that we look cute and adorable together. Didn't get enough of the way he cuddles me on the sofa, making out in the middle of the living room or the way he looks into me.
I don't get enough of his magic. His beauty. His style. His friends. His outings. His words. His touch.
I didn't get enough of the rush I have when he is around me. Did not get enough of the urge that I should always look fresh to match him. How I pay attention to the little details that drive him crazy but smiles and helplessly says: you're such an OCDian!
He is leaving me. He has to move, just as how seasons change. Although I never believed in long distance relationships but yeah, this whore right here is willing to. Although I know that time and distance drift people and hearts apart. As if I need more drama to express my sadness!
He is leaving me. And leaving a lot of memories here and there. His toothbrush that I got him in my house. His bag that he left in the drawer. The accident that I had and scared my skin, he took care of me and held me tight, warming me when I was trembling like a child.
He is leaving me. People ask me about him. People wonder where he is when he travels for even a week.
I introduced him to my closest person, after coming out. I ruined my Europe trip just because I missed him. I imprinted my skin to be like him.
Far away he goes, soon. And I can't help but cry again. Hiding my face with my palm, I can't tear up here.
8:20 PM.
I already miss him.
November 09, 2012
Breakdown
Fuck facebook statuses, Blackberry lines, Twitter tweets, they are all too exposing.
I am fighting a couple of tears, leaned down on my mac. Brother is around me: I got to hold them back. Elevator Girl is playing on TV, not helping much.
I can barely hold this bursting fear and distress inside of me: my whole body is shaking under the thought that I might be really falling in love: but for how long?
We have been dating for the past few weeks and it is fucking fireworks, unicorns shitting rainbows and faggot gnomes jumping in gardens. I spare you the useless details as they only mean a lot to the person concerned, those kind of details that make you have a stupid smile and look distant.
"Look at that car", he said, "one of my favourites. Along with the Audi. I am not a car freak or fan, but some vehicles are just out of this world!"
Friends were waiting for us in that club, we were thirty minutes late but who fucking cares: we are together. To hell with anyone else. The setup was perfect: dressed nicely, smelling fresh perfume whenever I rotate my head, white slim fit shirt tucked in my new favourite brownish pants. I lost more weight around the waist and muscles started being more firm, I've got to change my favourite brownish pants with a smaller size now.
I smiled at his comment and gazed out of the window, when it fucking stroke me as a lightening in this strange hot November Cairo night:
"If I had more secure stay in Egypt, I would get one of those"
My mouth dried. Completely. "More secure stay"? "WHAT?" "What THE FUCK do you mean??" -it all rushed in my head. My eyes lost their spark and I retreated with my fake smile that I can't control appearing when I am feeling fucking bitter.
He kept talking, but my world froze there. Can't recall anything he said afterwards, fuck why would I even care about anything else.
I don't want to start creating other memories that will haunt me, I have fucking enough of those. I don't want to start obsessing (and fuck me I am a fucking paranoid person to start with) over every little details. I knew that he doesn't stay longer than 2 years in every country.. I met him a year and a half later already: do I only have 6 months to go? Is that the toll? IS THIS FUCKING IT?
Look at all the "I" I put up there: I am a fucking spoiled kind, I don't share my toys and I don't give away my toys. I collect every bit that I own and keep it ever after. I am not willing to start something (fuck me it already started already!) and then what? Ciao? Farewell? Nice to meet you? Go fuck others and let's forget about all this?
My throat is closing now. Shivers are growing from inside of me into my eyes. I hate gambling, I am not a gambler by any means... I hate risks. I hate not calculated events.
I don't know what to do; in fact I am doing the worst thing even: I am surrendering to his charms and ready to carry whatever consequences come later.
I won't be heart broken more than what I have witnessed. I am too old for this already.
Am I?
September 18, 2012
October 29, 2011
Him and Me
Let the visuals do the talking for me this time. This is what I'm living now...
September 15, 2011
:: Right Back
I can say that I am happy with who I am today, right now. I have managed creating myself a new comfort zone, completely different than the old one. A newer place where I always wanted to belong; a distant dream it was. I still need to trim and enhance some of its aspects but I am pretty glad with what it is already.
Yet again I get very confused with my emotions: I never knew how to sort them out. How to understand them or define them. Am I a loner? Or am I convincing myself that I am one?
Relationships never worked for me. Twice in my life, and one of them was a challenge and "best fit" rather than just love. I feel asphyxiated, crippled and controlled. I get too obsessed by the person and his life. Jealousy, complete domination and anxiety. I just feel like I want to end it, cure myself and give him peace.
I start browsing and whoring on the dating sites, browser-based on mobile-enhanced ones. Partying. Loud music beats. Drugs. And feeling excellent. I am my own commander. Date and travel alone.
And then again it strikes me: I meet someone; even though he is in a 2-years open relationships; we can't stop texting each other all the time, listening to the electro beats all night while destroying bottles of whiskey, E, hash or just getting high just being there.
My last manjam, manhunt, gayromeo, gaydar login? Over two weeks now.
I am happy where I am now. I think I'll enjoy this comfort zone for a little while.
April 17, 2011
Put Your Hands On Me
"I never watched Glee!"
"You'll love it", I answered as I was searching on my iPhone a couple of their performances. I put the TV on mute and got closer to him so we'd both watch the screen. I played a couple of Gaga's performances, Madonna, Katy Perry. He instantly fell in love.
I then remembered Mike Tompkins.
"He's super talented.", I said, "He boomboxes the whole music and sings along. On top of that, he has the cutest smile ever. Like.. wow!"
I then played Fireworks first; we got even closer on my sofa. Now, I could feel his breath. He smelled cigarettes and perfume. I picked the next video, "Teenage Dream and Just The Way You Are" and played it. A minute later, I noticed him turning towards me. Tension and attraction was floating in the air. I turned my head too... and our lips locked.
It was our first kiss. And his lips tasted good.
February 20, 2011
Untitled
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
June 19, 2010
June 11, 2010
:: Walk, Walk Fashion Baby
I want your love and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love and all your lover's revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Caught in a bad romance
Caught in a bad romance
Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge
Je veux ton amour
I don't want to be friends
June 10, 2010
:: Over and Under
“Why did you stop dating him?”, I asked, hiding the real motive behind my question.
“He was double dating, both me and someone else at the same time. I accidently knew, how small this world is; and I just walked away from his life. I disappeared.”
I looked at him, while feeling that cool air breeze on a summer June Cairo night coming from the Nile. I shivered and wanted to better understand his idea about dating while trying to act indifferent about it:
“But it’s okay, I mean; he can date whoever he wants as long as there is no serious commitment there. You happen to be dating each other and he came across someone else; you’re not exclusive, but both of you are interesting and intriguing to him.”
“Yeah”, he answered while looking at me with his calm, deep, sparkling black eyes; “but I don’t do that, and I don’t put myself in such situation. I can’t double date. When I am seeing someone, I give him my full attention. I don’t believe that I would be able to divide this, or actually accept a piece of his full unconditional attention.”
I drew a cold smile on my face and turned my face. He was perfect. In all meanings of the word. He was elevating me to higher grounds.
Ever since we met, I started picturing “us”. Whenever my work friends ask me to travel, or go for a crazy paint ball game at Rehab, he pops-up in the back of my mind. I picture him tagging along with me. I picture him, in ten years, living together. It had been a while since I got that emotional rush. I has been a while since I got that fantastic rush.
“What do you think? Do you double date, Digg?”
He was direct. He just asked it. I never take that straight forward action. I smiled again and took a deep breathe. I neither wanted to sound ridiculous nor needy. It was too early to expose any feelings. It was too soon to imagine anything. My teenage mind controlled me:
“I rarely date to start with. I can’t remember my real last date; it’s basically impossible for me to double date”.
His look held many questions; I wanted to ask him if we could go steady. If this was for real. If he’d break my heart one day. If I could trust him.
I removed all my profiles from all dating sites. If at my age I couldn’t find someone to share my life with, what makes me find him in that meat market anyway? If I found someone who is highly compatible with me; why shall I bother checking empty messages and meaningless texts from strangers who can’t meet or satisfy my requirements and needs anyway?
Today, out of curiosity, I checked his profile’s link. He was online on that dating site. I don’t know how should I react or what should I say. I can’t face anyone with the bare truth because when I do it only means the end. I don’t negotiate, I don’t tolerate. I don’t want to listen to lies. I don’t want to put him in a I-have-to-lie situation.
It’s too early to put rules; but what about double-dating?
This is taking me under.
Under.
June 06, 2010
:: Longing
You want to call him; but would it sound too needy? Pushing things?
Butterflies fill your stomach just thinking about him; most of the time you do anyway. You want to hear his deep comforting voice. You want to hear his cheerful, balanced yet real laughter. You want to just check-up on him, now that he’s travelling away.
Maybe just a text message?
Then you re-think that the last texts and calls were initiated by you. You try to fight your longing and missing just to keep a certain image. He has to call you first sometime. Even though he made it a clear and open invitation that you are welcome anytime to call him; that he misses hanging out with you; that he loved the one hour and a half making out session; you just have to make him want you more.
You are then afraid logging into your MSN account; because you don’t want to see him online and start wondering what he might be doing. You don’t want to login into any of the online profiles; not because you might be feeling that you found something good; but not wanting to ruin it by seeing his “last logged on” timestamp.
Thoughts and ideas start haunting you.
I am haunted;
and I am longing for him.
June 05, 2010
:: Straight… to bed.
“I'm heterosexual and I have gay thoughts regularly, such as:
"Oh crap, this shirt doesn't go with these pants at all.” – some blog writer.
For the past few weeks, I have been fantasizing about a security guy who I had known a year ago. He had been guarding one of our work offices and, because of me being attracted, I befriended him. Even though I know for sure that he is straight, due to his never ending female problems, but I have strong doubts that he has some tendencies, like most straight men do. Knowing myself as a person who would never cross that line, not even because he might be gorgeous and inviting, but I can’t help but wonder, how many presumably straight men have I been with, and how far have they pushed the envelope?
Flashback during school. Hearing about “group jerking-off” nights where many of my friends back then used to watch porn and keep jerking-off all night. I wouldn’t dare joining them because I was worried someone would catch me peeking. I had to keep a good cover, and always a good excuse. One of those nights, Keram, a class mate and a neighbour, called me up, asking for some technical help with his PC.
“5 minutes and I’d be over”, I answered. I quickly changed in my army pants and a matching shirt and went over to his place. When I got into his room, I found lots of porn magazines laying around the place; while another porn movie playing on his computer. I laughed and said:
“You’d better clean this up soon mate, your parents wouldn’t be quiet happy finding this shit when they come back!”
“Don’t worry”, he answered, “they are off for the week-end to Marina, however apparently one of those porn sites fucked my machine and dad usually uses it. Can you fix it? It just keeps popping up out of nowhere porn advertisements!”
“A classic spyware problem”, I answered. I had to comment on that latino chick’s big boobs while I was at it. Keram gave a lusty look while fantasizing how gorgeous she would be on his bed, sucking his dick. The thought aroused me, especially that Keram used to be in Heliopolis club’s water polo team and boy, those men are always hunks!
“So, let’s see this system!”, I quickly said while closing all the advertisements and videos. “We need to clean up this mess”.
“Man, take your time! They won’t be back tonight anyway. Let’s watch some of those hot pussies before you fix the PC. I still have the night, just show me how to do it and I’ll clean that later. I just don’t want to corrupt it after fixing it!”
I felt uncomfortable. I wouldn’t get aroused on pussies. I had to make-up an excuse!
“You cockless bastard! Stop thinking with your dick!”, I didn’t know where did that come from, but I was planning an escape plan.
“Hell you think I am cockless?”, he answered quickly. I understood where things were going.
“Fuck you!”, I said laughing! “Let me fix this shit”. It was awkward. For me. Only me!
That’s when out of nowhere, he grabbed my cock.
“You’re hard man! Come on just feel comfortable dude!”
Damn. Damn. SHIT!
“Yo! What the fuck are you doing dude! That’s so fucking gay!”, I just said, last line in my defense.
We ended up with his cock in my mouth. How gay was that!
We kept on doing that for a while; he used to call me, and ask me to get over his place. We’d talk a bit, play some porn and just have casual, teenage sex.
Our friendship evolved from two buddies who used to go to school together; to two sex freaks who only met for that purpose. Years passed; he still lives next door again but we never say hi. We never talk. He went into deep denial of what happened, while I felt very bad that I lost a good friend; for sex.
I learnt. I learnt that I should think what is more important to me first: sex, that I can get from anyone, anytime; or a good friend.