:: My End in Sight

" We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts, engage in dialogue. We'd all slow down, rest without guilt, not lie without fear, disagree sans jugement. We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up. "

- Alanis Morissette

Circles.

I drew circles.

Tears want to explode off my sorrowed eyes; flow down, wet my cheeks, going up my lip, down my tongue.

Salty, reminding me of the beach; the day I was with Him building a big castle of sand, bigger than the one I drew in my dreams.

More circles.

Salty tears reminding me the night I aimlessly drove when I knew that Miky was attracted to Shatz. The only person towards whom I felt real emotions, after my disastrous break-up, was playing me. Did he intend to do that? Finding myself stuck in the middle of that emotional ménage-à-trois was nothing but a never ending dark pit.

I wish I could figure out the reason he's still flirting me, dating me, asking my opinion. I wish I could figure out why I can't stop him from doing that to me. I just need to understand, why do I feel shacked?

Self confidence. I miss that, totally. Although I meet every now and then a perfectly fine person who knows when to start a chat, when to call and picks the right wine bottle; I never declare my feelings or intentions. Arrogance? No. I know I can make friends, but I don't have the slightest possibility in making love. I always shut up.

I did meet a few good people.

Do I have to claim them once I see them? Mark my prey by pissing on it?

Watch them go away? Share them with others and become a victim of my thoughts?

Helpless, I totally am.

Why have I been diverting my cell phone for the past five days? What am I hiding from? Why am I not logging into the online gay meat markets anymore?

Am I that hurt? Because of what?

Again, I found myself in Part Deux of Miky/Shatz/Digg story -and worse, since I am living it now.

I thought I was gaining grounds by making him trust me; Moods was so smart. It took months for him to show me his picture followed by weeks to exchange numbers.

He is hot. Seriously.

It only took a couple of days for Mark to date Moods four times.

I never met Moods. I don't know why. He has been asking me a lot, I never gave a precise answer. Not to myself at least. I loved how things were going over our daily one hour calls and hours of chats. I felt more secured that way.

Another missed call from him now on my mobile phone. He has been calling me like crazy since I diverted my phone; especially not even seeing me online on Windows Live. What am I trying to prove to myself?

I fake a smile.

I always do. I became good at that.

Why have I changed my PC and laptop wallpapers into this picture, taken on April 17th 2004?

I looked happy. We both did that day. He was hugging me, I can still feel His body and arms around me. A circle.

Does Moods even know that I have a crush on him?

I told him that a couple of times, in a totally indirect way. He's not the type that wants me to sing serenades to declare my attraction: he can feel the vibes.

Or is it me?

Am I too lost to be saved? Too broken to be fixed?

Too late?

If I could only make the universe revolve in the right direction. I would have tried fixing between Samer and Jack -they can't see how beautiful things might be if they just let go of their stupid arrogance. I would have made Shatz stay in Egypt, I don't want to loose such a good funny friend. I would have made Salmo's much needed trip real, that of course after making sure he gets laid soon. I would have tried convincing myself that I don't have a shot with Miky or Moods.

I would have tried removing His venom off my veins, for that I am addicted to a long gone fix.

I would have loved giving Ewan another true kiss, climb another mountain or had a smoke in the lighthouse. I would have looked for Ayman and asked him why has he disappeared.

I would have had more self confidence the other day, to walk towards that sexy looking guy and end his misery trying to grab my attention, I would have accepted Moods invitation for drinks in Sangria.

But this isn't my call.

I remain in my sanctuary, away from the earthquakes, volcanoes and twisters.

I miss myself.

This is Utopia,

This is my Utopia.
This is my Ideal, my end in sight.
Utopia

This is my Utopia.
This is my Nirvana,
My Ultimate.

" I often find that, unless I have something that I have created, that I am aware of in my own mind to work toward but wander around aimlessly; so it's like a map of some sort that I shouldn't relay to strangely but one I can at least reference when I am on my path, so, mmm, it's kind of my higher vision, certainly I can't live everyday; I can I guess, I just... try to. "

- Alanis Morissette, talking about Utopia.

:: ContrAddicted

Wherever I've been, the same gay attitude is followed everywhere in the world. Whether it is Amsterdam or Riyadh, our community lives the same scenarios, parties, gatherings, gossips, heartbreaks and many other different aspects of the typical queer life.

We were sitting in the Harry's Pub, having our cocktails and drinks when Wael called me:

"Hey Digg! I just finished work. Where are you guys?"

"We just reached the Harry's. Hurry up, is Amgad coming with you?"

"Yep. On our way."

They had just got committed a month before. In fact, they have just bought two white gold rings to celebrate their eternal love to come. Although they met in a very uncommon story, and despite my doubts about what could be the real intentions behind Amgad's Pay It Forward good deeds, I was kind of convinced when I saw them taking their love-life-to-be in a serious way. Amgad was Wael's 27th Lover.

"Samer, I said while ending the call, they are coming. Please try to be cool with it, would you?"

Samer just looked at me while dipping his toasted Lebanese bread in the chili cheese mix on the table and said:

"I don't like Wael's way in what he is doing. For crying out loud, they have just met and decided to go the next level and he just goes and fucks Amgad's best friend? I can't look at his face. How cheap is that!"

"Samer, please, you are not supposed to know this. I told you that Wael doesn't have the possibility to say no. He swore to me that he regrets it a lot and felt how seriously he is in love with Amgad. I believe that was a test that he had to go through to know what the real feeling of guilt should be like." I said those words, although I wasn't really believing them. My head was processing the whole Fuck-Fuck scenario in a very traditional way: control your cock when you promise someone to start something serious. I might be from the old school, but open relationships don't exist in my seXFORD dictionary.

I checked the pub, on that Thursday night, there were quiet a bunch of gay table around us. Nobody was interesting, I was thinking about the guy I had met the week before. I was in a serious mess whenever I thought about him: he was a total copy of my ex partner. My feelings were too messy to understand what I was really feeling towards him: was it having a crush or reliving my dead love reincarnated in him?

Half an hour later, two queens walked from the main door. We greeted following the usual queer ritual of pressing our bodies against each other while stamping a warm cheek kiss. I could read disgust in Samer's eyes when he saw Wael, but he is good in controlling his reactions.

"What would you have guys?", I asked while giving them space to sit next to me.

"I would go for Tequila, said Amgad while hailing the waitress".

"Manhattan", added Wael. "How is it tonight?"

"I like the music played tonight, thank God not too much drunk karaoke singers".

They laughed. I smiled, leaned next to Wael and said: "He left, right?".

"Yeah, we just drove him to the airport. Digg, I tell you, Amgad was crying; and I felt torture. What I did was really bad."

I mixed my Vodka with Sparkling Water and answered: "I hope you learnt your lesson, Wael".

He nodded.

An hour passed. Alcohol was affecting our systems and we started moving with Karl Wolf's music and some Sexy Backs that needed to be whipped when a Japanese girl approached us and walked towards Amgad while carrying a Tequila shot. She put the plate on the table and said to him: "My friend over there wants you to have this."

We all turned and looked. There he was, a somehow good looking guy in his late twenties was waving at Amgad. Confused, my friend didn't answer but just looked at the offering. Suddenly, he frowned. I looked at Wael then told Amgad:

"Dude, that's cool. You know what, just take the Tequila, give it back to him and tell him you are already with someone."

"How could he do that!", said Amgad. I felt a storm coming. I quickly answered:

"How could he know you're with someone! He liked you and signaled it. It's your move now to gently reject his request."

Quickly, Amgad took the drink and gave it back to the somehow cute in hate late twenties guy. When he came back to our table, Amgad just grabbed his mobile phone and stormed out of the Pub. Seeing this, Wael quickly followed him. I looked at Samer and Shatz, bedazzled by that attitude.

I followed them and found Amgad hysterical.

"How could he do this? Do I look that queen? Do I look that cheap?"

No, you look like a Drama Queen to me!

"Come on Amgad, the guy liked you among the five of us. You should be flattered! How could he know that you're committed to someone?"

"No. This is sick! This is crazy! I must complain to the Pub's Owner".

I looked at Wael who was totally cool about it. When Amgad left us to file a complain, Wael said:

"It's always like that. He's always exaggerating everything. Making a big fuss out of nothing. It has been a month with him and this is killing me already". I couldn't find the right words to answer, I just walked back to our table.

I looked at the somehow good looking guy in his late twenties and his friends: they had no idea what was going on in that moment. I kept waiting for what would happen next, since Amgad was uncontrollable. A waiter asked me: "Is it that guy over there?" I shrugged. "Well you know sir, if it was a guy flirting a girl, we would have taken some measures.. but this is out of our hands. They are both guys!" I wasn't comfortable with what that garçon was saying. Why were I shoved in the middle of this pointless drama?

Amgad sat next to me. I asked for another Tequila and told him:

"Hey you! Why all this?"

"I am with someone here; plus apparently he has been spying on me all that time, knowing that I am only having Tequila shots tonight. Please Digg. It's okay. Leave me for now".

I smiled. If "contradiction" existed in flesh and blood, it would have been infront of me, in both guys: Wael and Amgad were the total extremes in exaggerating each side of the faithful relationship. Wael was addicted to sex. Amgad was addicted to showing off.

The rest of the night passed calmly, but Samer, Shatz and I were wondering: Why did the somehow good looking in his late twenties guy pick Amgad, the committed guy, and left three single hot boys?

Sometimes, you just laugh on how ironic and contradicted life is!