Shivers!
He just introduced me as his boyfriend to two straight girls.
I felt shivers of joy running up my spine.
I leaned on his shoulder and said:
"This is the first time you ever introduce me so!"
His smile. His smile froze me.
I'm in love.
December 28, 2012
December 19, 2012
Post after Post after Post
This is my last sanctuary, where I can speak my mind off without having to hear comforting empty words.
It's only here where I can say what I feel like and kept anonymous -well at least for most people-
It comforts me just posting nagging empty posts. More like messages in bottles that drift away. Maybe someone would read them and mirrors what I'm going through. At least I won't be the only one in this.
I want to leave this gathering and go home. Cover myself and stay away from all these talks, faking I'm interested in their talks or having to laugh at empty stories.
If I could undo all this and take back my old slutty care-free life... I wouldn't do it. I am enjoying every bit of this torture. I'm addicted to his skin. His presence. His scent that I will greatly miss soon.
I wish he could understand me right now, hugs me, and allows me crying on his chest till I sleep this night away.
If only.
It's only here where I can say what I feel like and kept anonymous -well at least for most people-
It comforts me just posting nagging empty posts. More like messages in bottles that drift away. Maybe someone would read them and mirrors what I'm going through. At least I won't be the only one in this.
I want to leave this gathering and go home. Cover myself and stay away from all these talks, faking I'm interested in their talks or having to laugh at empty stories.
If I could undo all this and take back my old slutty care-free life... I wouldn't do it. I am enjoying every bit of this torture. I'm addicted to his skin. His presence. His scent that I will greatly miss soon.
I wish he could understand me right now, hugs me, and allows me crying on his chest till I sleep this night away.
If only.
No Title
I can't handle this anymore. None of the friends are even helping me; with all their talks about taking care of me after he leaves.
I am not okay with him leaving. I am not alright with him moving. I am not fine with this whole ordeal and I am certainly not fine with people trying to make me feel better about it. I just need to stay alone. I just want to be left alone.
My life has changed and I am not willing to let this go; even if this is letting me go.
I do my best fighting tears not to erupt. It's shocking me though.
And it is intense.
I am not okay with him leaving. I am not alright with him moving. I am not fine with this whole ordeal and I am certainly not fine with people trying to make me feel better about it. I just need to stay alone. I just want to be left alone.
My life has changed and I am not willing to let this go; even if this is letting me go.
I do my best fighting tears not to erupt. It's shocking me though.
And it is intense.
December 12, 2012
Chastity
Sitting down in Casablanca's Jimmy's bar. Drunk; surrounded by my local friends and affirming: I will definitely keep my chastity for him. It's as simple as because I'm in love.
I true-ly am.
Completely.
Inside-out.
I true-ly am.
Completely.
Inside-out.
December 08, 2012
A Drifting Heart
8:09 PM
Sitting at the barber shop waiting for my turn. Couldn't stop my tears from falling while driving the few kilometres distance between home and here. Egypt is on fire, rambles, riots, lies and murders. Falling all of this, I only think of you.
I only think of what he told me this morning. It explained his strange behaviour for the past week.
When I agreed venturing into this commitment, I knew crystal clear that he might not be staying in Egypt; but honestly, I didn't think it would be that soon. We merely passed two or three months together. I didn't get enough of people saying that we look cute and adorable together. Didn't get enough of the way he cuddles me on the sofa, making out in the middle of the living room or the way he looks into me.
I don't get enough of his magic. His beauty. His style. His friends. His outings. His words. His touch.
I didn't get enough of the rush I have when he is around me. Did not get enough of the urge that I should always look fresh to match him. How I pay attention to the little details that drive him crazy but smiles and helplessly says: you're such an OCDian!
He is leaving me. He has to move, just as how seasons change. Although I never believed in long distance relationships but yeah, this whore right here is willing to. Although I know that time and distance drift people and hearts apart. As if I need more drama to express my sadness!
He is leaving me. And leaving a lot of memories here and there. His toothbrush that I got him in my house. His bag that he left in the drawer. The accident that I had and scared my skin, he took care of me and held me tight, warming me when I was trembling like a child.
He is leaving me. People ask me about him. People wonder where he is when he travels for even a week.
I introduced him to my closest person, after coming out. I ruined my Europe trip just because I missed him. I imprinted my skin to be like him.
Far away he goes, soon. And I can't help but cry again. Hiding my face with my palm, I can't tear up here.
8:20 PM.
I already miss him.
Sitting at the barber shop waiting for my turn. Couldn't stop my tears from falling while driving the few kilometres distance between home and here. Egypt is on fire, rambles, riots, lies and murders. Falling all of this, I only think of you.
I only think of what he told me this morning. It explained his strange behaviour for the past week.
When I agreed venturing into this commitment, I knew crystal clear that he might not be staying in Egypt; but honestly, I didn't think it would be that soon. We merely passed two or three months together. I didn't get enough of people saying that we look cute and adorable together. Didn't get enough of the way he cuddles me on the sofa, making out in the middle of the living room or the way he looks into me.
I don't get enough of his magic. His beauty. His style. His friends. His outings. His words. His touch.
I didn't get enough of the rush I have when he is around me. Did not get enough of the urge that I should always look fresh to match him. How I pay attention to the little details that drive him crazy but smiles and helplessly says: you're such an OCDian!
He is leaving me. He has to move, just as how seasons change. Although I never believed in long distance relationships but yeah, this whore right here is willing to. Although I know that time and distance drift people and hearts apart. As if I need more drama to express my sadness!
He is leaving me. And leaving a lot of memories here and there. His toothbrush that I got him in my house. His bag that he left in the drawer. The accident that I had and scared my skin, he took care of me and held me tight, warming me when I was trembling like a child.
He is leaving me. People ask me about him. People wonder where he is when he travels for even a week.
I introduced him to my closest person, after coming out. I ruined my Europe trip just because I missed him. I imprinted my skin to be like him.
Far away he goes, soon. And I can't help but cry again. Hiding my face with my palm, I can't tear up here.
8:20 PM.
I already miss him.
November 09, 2012
Breakdown
This is my last sanctuary.
Fuck facebook statuses, Blackberry lines, Twitter tweets, they are all too exposing.
I am fighting a couple of tears, leaned down on my mac. Brother is around me: I got to hold them back. Elevator Girl is playing on TV, not helping much.
I can barely hold this bursting fear and distress inside of me: my whole body is shaking under the thought that I might be really falling in love: but for how long?
We have been dating for the past few weeks and it is fucking fireworks, unicorns shitting rainbows and faggot gnomes jumping in gardens. I spare you the useless details as they only mean a lot to the person concerned, those kind of details that make you have a stupid smile and look distant.
"Look at that car", he said, "one of my favourites. Along with the Audi. I am not a car freak or fan, but some vehicles are just out of this world!"
Friends were waiting for us in that club, we were thirty minutes late but who fucking cares: we are together. To hell with anyone else. The setup was perfect: dressed nicely, smelling fresh perfume whenever I rotate my head, white slim fit shirt tucked in my new favourite brownish pants. I lost more weight around the waist and muscles started being more firm, I've got to change my favourite brownish pants with a smaller size now.
I smiled at his comment and gazed out of the window, when it fucking stroke me as a lightening in this strange hot November Cairo night:
"If I had more secure stay in Egypt, I would get one of those"
My mouth dried. Completely. "More secure stay"? "WHAT?" "What THE FUCK do you mean??" -it all rushed in my head. My eyes lost their spark and I retreated with my fake smile that I can't control appearing when I am feeling fucking bitter.
He kept talking, but my world froze there. Can't recall anything he said afterwards, fuck why would I even care about anything else.
I don't want to start creating other memories that will haunt me, I have fucking enough of those. I don't want to start obsessing (and fuck me I am a fucking paranoid person to start with) over every little details. I knew that he doesn't stay longer than 2 years in every country.. I met him a year and a half later already: do I only have 6 months to go? Is that the toll? IS THIS FUCKING IT?
Look at all the "I" I put up there: I am a fucking spoiled kind, I don't share my toys and I don't give away my toys. I collect every bit that I own and keep it ever after. I am not willing to start something (fuck me it already started already!) and then what? Ciao? Farewell? Nice to meet you? Go fuck others and let's forget about all this?
My throat is closing now. Shivers are growing from inside of me into my eyes. I hate gambling, I am not a gambler by any means... I hate risks. I hate not calculated events.
I don't know what to do; in fact I am doing the worst thing even: I am surrendering to his charms and ready to carry whatever consequences come later.
I won't be heart broken more than what I have witnessed. I am too old for this already.
Am I?
Fuck facebook statuses, Blackberry lines, Twitter tweets, they are all too exposing.
I am fighting a couple of tears, leaned down on my mac. Brother is around me: I got to hold them back. Elevator Girl is playing on TV, not helping much.
I can barely hold this bursting fear and distress inside of me: my whole body is shaking under the thought that I might be really falling in love: but for how long?
We have been dating for the past few weeks and it is fucking fireworks, unicorns shitting rainbows and faggot gnomes jumping in gardens. I spare you the useless details as they only mean a lot to the person concerned, those kind of details that make you have a stupid smile and look distant.
"Look at that car", he said, "one of my favourites. Along with the Audi. I am not a car freak or fan, but some vehicles are just out of this world!"
Friends were waiting for us in that club, we were thirty minutes late but who fucking cares: we are together. To hell with anyone else. The setup was perfect: dressed nicely, smelling fresh perfume whenever I rotate my head, white slim fit shirt tucked in my new favourite brownish pants. I lost more weight around the waist and muscles started being more firm, I've got to change my favourite brownish pants with a smaller size now.
I smiled at his comment and gazed out of the window, when it fucking stroke me as a lightening in this strange hot November Cairo night:
"If I had more secure stay in Egypt, I would get one of those"
My mouth dried. Completely. "More secure stay"? "WHAT?" "What THE FUCK do you mean??" -it all rushed in my head. My eyes lost their spark and I retreated with my fake smile that I can't control appearing when I am feeling fucking bitter.
He kept talking, but my world froze there. Can't recall anything he said afterwards, fuck why would I even care about anything else.
I don't want to start creating other memories that will haunt me, I have fucking enough of those. I don't want to start obsessing (and fuck me I am a fucking paranoid person to start with) over every little details. I knew that he doesn't stay longer than 2 years in every country.. I met him a year and a half later already: do I only have 6 months to go? Is that the toll? IS THIS FUCKING IT?
Look at all the "I" I put up there: I am a fucking spoiled kind, I don't share my toys and I don't give away my toys. I collect every bit that I own and keep it ever after. I am not willing to start something (fuck me it already started already!) and then what? Ciao? Farewell? Nice to meet you? Go fuck others and let's forget about all this?
My throat is closing now. Shivers are growing from inside of me into my eyes. I hate gambling, I am not a gambler by any means... I hate risks. I hate not calculated events.
I don't know what to do; in fact I am doing the worst thing even: I am surrendering to his charms and ready to carry whatever consequences come later.
I won't be heart broken more than what I have witnessed. I am too old for this already.
Am I?
September 18, 2012
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