:: "Mou Lipis, Agapi Mou" - [Part III]

" and darkness falls in my eyes,
and days are far from rosy now,
and if I asked for the sky,
would you still shelter me
when the sky, falls ?
I remember
I remember "

- Tiësto

Though I was in the middle of nowhere, cold air going through the mountains and reaching under my light black shirt, though it was all dark around me, nothing was seen except the stars' faint light, nothing was heard but the sound of the sea smashing on the rocks and distant sounds of cars passing quickly on the high way; I felt warmth while my hands were squeezed between Ewan's palms. I felt comfortable and secured, just thinking that he was next to me, asking me to follow him. He came near the end of the cliff and whispered, as if he didn't want to disturb nature as it was: "This is my hiding spot. I come here, have a cigarette and watch the horizon". I was amazed, how he had discovered this place; it was totally random, very hard to notice; but it was beautiful. He quickly sat on the cliff's edge, knowing every inch of the place and laid on his back.

"Digg, do like me. It's great!"

I slowly came near the edge, sat, laid and could hardly hear him, now that I was on the same level of the wind, blowing in my ears; seeing nothing, now that I was looking in black deep sky, full of constellations. I moved my hand, reaching for his; held it and I felt butterflies inside of me. Nobody made me experience what I went through with him, nobody made me feel cherished, they way he made me feel. We kept our position for around half an hour. I wasn't feeling cold anymore; I felt I was floating with all that wind, space and his touch. He slowly moved on his side, came near my right ear and whispered: "Do you like it?". I couldn't answer; I just nodded my head. I am not sure if he saw me doing that but I was quiet sure that he felt that I was on cloud nine. He stood up quietly and helped me to stand up, now that all my muscles were loose. He asked me to follow him again; this time he ran up a hill near by, climbed some rocks and stood on top. I went up the same way he did, yet a lot slower in pace. "Want to feel like Titanic?", he yelled while opening his arms wide open and closed his eyes! I laughed, hugged him from his back and put a kiss on his neck. Air was blowing so hard on that hill; we sat down, hardly lit cigarettes and kept watching the horizon on one side, and some lonely car passing every now and then on the other side of the highway. We were silent, but a lot was going through my head. Ewan was born to be free. He always kept telling me that. If we happen to be in a relationship, and obviously he has been hinting a lot about that, would it really work out? Was I ready to compromise a lot of my most important points and life rules? He couldn't move to Cairo. I couldn't go to Sharm al Sheikh. How could we be together then?

Around an hour later, we started moving back to Suez. Ewan turned the stereo down and looked at me.

"Digg, did you like it over there?"

"Yeah, it was great. It felt so comfortable and nice. How did you find this place anyway?"

"You weren't scared?", he said. I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I thought he was only making sure if I felt safe with him.

"Of course not, you were sure about what you were doing back there!", I answered, while wondering what he really meant by that.

"No. I mean, how could you go to that distant, unknown place, with somebody your barely know like me? We have only been dating for almost a month. You don't know me well.", he answered. I felt confused. What was he implementing by that? He kept on talking: "I could have hit you, stole your car, and money, left you in the desert; I could have had people there who would do that to you.. how could you trust me? I wouldn't do that at all."

I shrugged, looked at him and said: "I've been around quiet a bit. I met people who could harm me, some did that already. I gained -somehow- some experience in people I meet. With you, I trusted my instinct. You trusted me, meeting your parents and knowing your life -do you think this isn't enough? Yes, there is a risk to take, but it was very faint."

"Well, all this could have been a set up. I am just asking you to take more care next time. Don't trust people that easily. I know I don't!"

I was totally confused by then: is he alright? What happened to the nice guy I was dating? What the hell was he saying? Instead of ending this magical escapade in a magnificent way, he just crushed me like one of those waves on rocks I was watching earlier. Suddenly, I felt unsafe, not because of what he said, but I have just discovered a paranoid thought that he had in his mind: what was Pandora hiding?

A couple of hours later, we reached Suez. I insisted that I would spend the night in my hotel room, I tried joking about it: "You could kill me if I spend the night with you!". He came over and stayed with me all night. I decided to know that person more, now that I started discovering some strange ideas floating in his head. We had a couple of cocktails and I started asking some questions about his life, his girl friend that he mentioned when we first met.

"Yeah, I have a girl friend. Well; she's nice actually. She's in her forties and has the cutest dogs you could ever meet!", while I was processing what he had told me, forties? He opened his wallet and took out a couple of her pictures. She looked European; German, he said. I saw her dogs. I saw her house in Sharm al Sheikh. I saw what he meant: I understood. He kept telling me about being independent, about her taking good care of him, about his business. He liked the care that she was giving him; that was what he was seeking. She always waited for him, she would always do. The missing puzzle pieces were handed to me. He told me about his previous relationship with a guy from Cairo, when he was in high school. It spanned for 5 years. He was from Emirates (that explained the Khaliji music). He lived in his place while he was studying in high school and university afterwards. He used to clean, cook and prepare everything for him when he gets back home from work. Anger started raising later on, his boyfriend was jealous, doubting about everything. He started controlling Ewan's life; which made him go crazy, smashing a good amount of dishes. They broke up later on, because his boyfriend had to go back to his wife in Emirates. That was too much for me to know; but very crucial.

That night, we had sex.. just sex.

The following morning, we walked around the city, by the sea side, near the ships. Ewan started talking: "Digg, what if I get you work in my dad's factory?". He actually wanted me to move. "Would you accept it?" -it wasn't about accepting work, it was about accepting him and I, together. I wasn't sure what to answer, I couldn't leave Cairo, I couldn't leave Cairo for someone I don't know. I know that he was seeking comfort and care, something that he would fight and go beyond the normal lines to get it, but was I the one who was supposed to provide him that? He gave me this good feeling for the couple of weeks we dated, am I selfish, not giving it back to him as he needed it to be in his way? I was not ready to gamble my life -again- in that very short period of time. I said I would think about it, but I wasn't ready to do that.

Ewan wanted to go back with me to Cairo. I totally refused that he would do that again; I left, thanking him for the great time I spent and for the experiences I lived.

All way back home, Ewan kept calling me every now and then, making sure that I was alright. When I reached house, I wished him good night and went to bed. The next morning I found an SMS from him saying that he was on his way to Sharm al Sheikh; that boy never rests!

A couple of weeks later, Ewan called, telling me that he would be in Cairo the next day: "I am going to Greece. There is something important. I must see you". It was so obscure. I met him in the bus station and went to Armando Café. He ordered his Earl Grey, I ordered my Espresso. He wanted to talk about something, but couldn't really say it. I gave him space. For that moment, I was providing him security. Some time later, Ewan decided to open up: "Digg, I want to tell you a secret; but please, it is a secret, my dad should never know about it". I assured him that I'd keep him safe. "I am going to Greece without him knowing, I decided to..", he looked in my eyes and continued: ".. I decided to get baptized". That moment, I couldn't help but notice the cross he was wearing around his neck (I always knew that Ewan was Muslim -carrying his father's religion). Why should I be surprised; I've tasted a lot of his confusions. He kept silence for a moment, then he asked: "What do you think?". What were I thinking? Nothing. Void. "Ewan, it's your call, specially religion and belief: this is a spiritual connection between God and you. Nobody should interfere. If you feel like converting to Christianity, and you are convinced, so be it". I tried to be as warm as I could, he was scared and needed to feel comfort. I knew that everything was screwed up between us by then, I cannot get committed to someone who, not only is trading his sexual preferences, but his own belief! Ewan cheered. He said that he was so scared to tell me, that he told nobody but his mother who will be waiting for him in Greece. He hugged me and thanked me a lot, for understanding what he was going through. He then opened his back pack and took out bibles, books, carols, hymns and lyrics to show me what he had learnt so far. I was too distant, thinking about how people are never perfect. All along my dating life, I met a lot of guys. Although they were different one another, some I would brag saying I had sex with, others I would keep them deep inside of me as my darkest secrets, they all shared one thing: confusion. I nodded and smiled when I was supposed to do so. I frowned and asked when I was expected to act so. It was almost midnight, his plane should take off around 4 AM. I was driving to the airport when his father called and told him that he was waiting for hiin frontnt of the airport external entrance; that both his sisters and step mother are waiting for him in the car to say goodbye. While driving him there, Ewan kept holding my hand, squeezing it. I noticed his eyes reflecting lights usually: was he crying? I saw a tear going down his cheek, and him removing it quietly. I slowed down and told him that it was difficult to leave his life suddenly. He answered: "I cannot get back to Egypt once I do that. It's impossible for me." I kissed his hand and told him that it wasn't too late anyway, he could go to Greece and think about it deeply. He nodded, looked at me and said: "Digg, I am doing this because of you. I was happy to find you, I wanted to stay here, but it is not working between us, and I got sick of this. You changed me, I couldn't go back to my ordinary life." I felt uneasy with what he said. I felt guilt. My emotions were perfectly guiding me to be with him, someone who is free and knows how to live his life, knows where beauty is and goes to get it.. but my mind was analyzing the whole situation clearly. If -and when- one day things are blue, would he be there for me? Or should the world be on my shoulders? His anger moments, would he control his temper? Or he would he go for a smashing spree? Will I trust him? Emotions weren't enough. I felt sad, I felt sorry for him, I felt cruel for altering his life the way I did.

Once we reached the external door of Cairo International Airport, I wanted to drive him inside, but his father was waiting and Ewan, as usual, asked me to leave. He quickly removed the cross he was wearing so his father won't comment on it. I was getting ready to step out of the car when he pulled me and kissed me deeply. I was confused, since his father, sisters and step mother were looking at us; but I kissed him back. I knew that this would be the last time we meet. He slowly moved out of the car and went to greet his father. I stepped out and said hi to his dad, and couldn't help but notice his younger sister blushing. To the last moment, Ewan was making me experience new things. I came near Ewan, he hugged me then said: "Go. I will keep my cell phone on till the flight. Call me if you can".

I still remember his face, while I was driving away.

E, I might have been the reason that made you discover what you were doing was a temporarily patching for your life. You made me know for sure that there are great things in life that we, being materialistic, are missing a lot. A simple walk on the beach, a lighthouse, a mountain, a star, a kiss, a ship, can be the best and a lot better than a fancy dinner or an expensive trip.

E, For now, Yassou, Agapi Mou!

:: "Mou Lipis, Agapi Mou" - [Part II]

"You give me, you're giving me the sweetest taboo
Too good for me
There's a quiet storm
And it never felt like this before
There's a quiet storm
That is you"

- Sade

We have always dreamt that one day, the handsome Prince would come on his white horse and not only love you unconditionally and eternally, but declare and show his love to everyone, breaking all the fears and not-allowed-to's. Making you believe in love as it should be, and appreciate that someone has finally come on your way to rescue you from all the scattered thoughts and feelings that you have been living with. It is a great joy, and tremendous feeling of security and safety when you find someone who shares you the same desires and needs, and even goes beyond your previously drawn wildest limits.. is it?

My Prince came riding a Pegasus, unexpectedly changed my life. Who could ever predict that a simple crush in Sharm al Sheikh, me walking in his Bazaar, would make us reach that moment, in Mohandessine, in a Syrian restaurant, smoking cigarettes and drinking mint tea after eating a house specialty Kharoof Mendy and him asking me to meet his folks, and introduce me, not as a friend, not as a colleague, not as a co-worker like we all introduce them to our entourage.. but as his boyfriend!

"Do you mean, boyfriend as in Lover boyfriend?", I asked, making sure that his point was totally clear to me by that time.

"Yes. I want them to meet you".

I couldn't really get what he was saying. First, who said we were Lovers! For crying out loud we haven't even slept together! Second, I've never been in such situation, his family knowing that we are.. sleeping together? That was far beyond all my most awkward moments in life! I quickly finished my tea and walked outside the shop. Ewan asked me if it would be okay, going to Suez. I felt confusion: we weren't boyfriends yet. We were anything but lovers. He was rushing things too much. I just told him that I would think about it, since I am not sure if I'd be free by the following week-end to travel. I really had to think about that mess. Have I gone too deep? Why do we feel scared once we are in a serious relationship that so far by all means looks suitable? Yes, we haven't had sex yet. I agree we have only met a bunch of times, but the feeling he was giving me was unexplainable. His care and attention were just too right. Deep inside of me, I knew that he might be the rebound guy; but he could as well be the guy. Too many thoughts in my head were echoing. I just needed two things: time and space to think, which weren't provided at that moment. I decided to enjoy whatever the situation was, and let the rest be the way it would go. He kept on playing his favorite songs, to be honest, I started singing along with some of the things he kept replaying several times. Those songs really do stick in your mind for some time after listening to them! As usual I drove him to the bus station so he'd take the 8 hours long drive back to Sharm al Sheikh. As I parked in the darkest spot I could see next to the SuperJet cars, he pressed his lips on mine again, and this time we made sure our tongues would have contact. His kiss was so warm, sweet and tasted minty. It tasted honest and sincere as well. I had to stop the making out or someone would be really offended in the street if we were seen. He stepped out of the car and asked me to leave. I knew later that he hated "goodbyes", by all their aspects and forms. I am assuming that the Yassou that he used to tell me by the end of the call didn't mean the Bye meaning. I kept parking in the shades, thinking and looking at the bus. It wasn't that bad what he told me, in fact, it was excellent. Wasn't that what I always wished in a stable relationship? His parents knowing and -if possible- mine too? Half my dream came, being out to his family. I started day dreaming about parties, receptions, gatherings and events, me among his family, sitting on the same table and not hiding my emotions and true relationship with Ewan, the gorgeous Ewan. His lips tasted so sweet, his breathe was so minty. I woke up by an SMS, from him, telling me that I should have left as he asked me, that he misses me more and can't wait for me going to Suez with him. I started my engines, sent him a take care of yourself SMS and drove back home.

Two days later, I made up my mind: I was going to his place. Around 4 PM, I called him to tell him that piece of news. He was with his dad in Suez. I started my call normally then teased him as he was really longing to know whether I would be coming that week-end or not. When I told him that I would be moving at 7 PM to meet him there, he just screamed:

"Really? Dad! Dad! Digg is coming this week-end"; he really did tell his parents about me. I faintly heard his dad saying that this would be great, meeting me in person; and that I was most welcome. I shivered.. I felt joy and excitement moving in my stomach: what I was experiencing with that Hermes guy was totally new. He knew how to storm in my life, correctly. I confirmed with him that he should stay then in his place since I would be coming over. He told me: "No. I am coming to Cairo so we'd drive together the way to Suez." - Gosh! Does this happen really? Is his care extended to that limit? Coming to Cairo from Suez, in a bus just to join me and go together back to where he just left, 2 hours before?

And it did. I was showing off all the way to Suez what I learnt so far in his native language. I could say numbers by that time, as well as very basic sentences.. and I made sure I always add Agapi Mou after every group of words. The road was so cosy, the setting sun reflecting on us, giving him more splendor and beauty than ever.. his deep hazel greenish eyes were glowing; his tempting tanned skin was so inviting to touch. Once we reached Suez, Ewan insisted we'd go by the Sea Side, to his favorite spot. I parked, and slowly stepped out of the car. He rushed by the fence and pointed at a very distant lighthouse: "You see that? I always sit here at night, and see how many spins can it make till I feel tired and go home". How nice it was when he was showing me the common things that he used to do whenever he was in Suez. He maintained a calm relaxing time, away from his hectic crazy life in Sharm and Cairo. Though he was a young businessman, in his mid twenties, but was full of energy and ideas. Managing two Bazaars, selecting what to import and finishing his deals all on his own was admirable. He then proposed that we'd go to his place, when I asked about its whereabouts, he said that his house was next to his parents'. I felt uncomfortable to the idea me walking in and out his place while his folks were watching us. I insisted that I'd reserve a hotel room and I could easily do whatever suited me by then. (I must have a backup plan, if I learnt anything from Frasier show, that would be the one).

Later that night, Ewan took me to one of his favorite Sea Food restaurants. I noticed that he knew many good venues and ways to get quality food. After a quick tour in the deserted city (it was around 2 AM by then), we decided to go to his place.

Once I stepped into his house, I was taken by the interior design, a true Mediterranean collector: a big sword fish on the wall, a beautifully designed wooden ship, corals and even an enormous fish tank reflecting beautiful colors with amazing, so relaxing to watch varieties of fish. He switched TV on, brought two glasses, a Smirnov Cranberry bottle and a bunch of albums. A cigarette had to join the scenery! My Hercules kept showing me the different pictures he had taken over years; he looked so cute in the traditional Greek outfit, as well as in his graduation. He showed me many pictures of his latter diving trip as well as his worldwide ones, specially those in Sudan. I felt comfortable. I don't know whether it was alcohol that spinned our heads, the lighting in his place or the calm sound of the water and bubbles in the fish tank, but I had one of my best sex nights with the hottest guy I dated.. mixed with the very comfortable feelings. The way he treated my lips, my body, my desires and emotions made me crave for more each time we stopped.

Around 7 AM, while hugging me so tight, Ewan slept peacefully on my chest. I kept touching his face and hair, thinking.. could he be the one? Could this be my final stop? How was I thinking reserving a room away from this pleasure and comfort?

It was after noon when I woke up. I could smell breakfast prepared, eggs, toasted bread and coffee.. I could hear something as well, Ewan's voice.. and some other voices too. While I was putting on my clothes, Ewan walked in and said: "I was about to wake you up. My dad is here! Come, breakfast is ready" -Shit! I am in the moment I was scared of most. I went to the bathroom and kept on fixing what alcohol, sex and lack of sleep showed on my face. I couldn't help noticing a hickey on my neck. Shit! Shit!

"Good morning", I said while coming near the finely set breakfast table.

"Good morning! I am Ewan's father. He's been talking a lot about you!"

What should I answer? What should I say now? What am I supposed to do? Smile? Look away? Blush? I never felt that feeling before. I was never put in such confusing situation.

"I am happy being in here really. First time in Suez!", I answered, trying to cover my confusion -and my hickey- as much as I could. His father was sweet and nice. Actually I shouldn't have made all that mess from the first place! His dad was totally accepting gay life, believing in gay relationships and actually loved his son as he was. Apparently he met other dates before, he might have said the same words I heard also, but I liked what I felt; actually it was beyond all my expectations. Once breakfast was over, his father excused and I had another round with my Apollo.

Later that day, we left his place and went to a Café by the Red Sea. Ewan's biggest love was ships. He always loved watching ships, being in ships, driving ships. He specially knew everything about the Cargo ones; pointing at logos and telling me about what they are carrying. He took pictures of ships, me and the ships, himself and the ships, ships with other ships! While he was talking and telling me about his sea passion, I couldn't help but wonder how free he was. Too free actually. He wasn't that kind of people who like to stay committed to something, I even knew that he worked for a while with his father in his factory when he felt really tied and decided to leave and move to Sharm where he can be free. he prefers staying alone than staying in groups, he always travels so he won't be accustomed to one place; Ewan was not actually made for a long term relationship. People passing in his life were pretty much like those big ships, they are slow, they take their time, but sooner or later, they are out of your vision; lost in the big deep blue sea.

That night, Ewan asked me to drive to a certain place, some 200 KM drive from Suez, direction Hurghada. I couldn't expect, again, what he was planing for me. It was past midnight when we were on our way to that mysterious spot in the mountains. I could barely see the roads clear infront of me, but Ewan seemed to know the way pretty well; all curves and blocks in our way.

"Slow down here", he said after lowering the car stereo. "Go the left, but slowly, we're going into the desert off the road". I did what he asked me.. I switched my high and fog lights on: I was on a cliff, next to a mountain. He asked me to go out of the car and make sure to lock it well. He held my hand and guided me near the cliff's edge. His hand felt so warm in that cold night. I shivered.. he squeezed my hand with both of his. I had to stop and look around me.. I was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by mountains and on a cliff over the sea with the hottest and warmest man. Where could that lead us?

>> Proceed to Part III

:: "Mou Lipis, Agapi Mou" - [Part I]

"Oh, when you walk by every night
Talking sweet and looking fine
I get kinda hectic inside
Mmm, baby I'm so into you
Darling, if you only knew
All the things that flow through my mind
(But it's just a) sweet, sweet fantasy, baby"

-Mariah Carey

Once upon a time, Zeus fell for the mortal Alkmênê. He couldn't resist her charms and beauty. Dared to sleep with her though he was married to the mighty and beautiful Hera. The fruit of that marriage gave a hunk, a splendid, free and creative Hercules. He always believed that he hadn't one place called home, he always wanted to travel everywhere and discover the unknown; made fun of all risks and dangers that threatened him and enjoyed overcoming them all. His emotions and feelings were never permanent, but changing and varying with every person he used to meet going from Amazon Women to mere mortal females; until he loved the one: Deïaneira, daughter of the King of Calydon. Because of his true love; she had to die; so Hercules would go back to the wilderness; since he was never supposed to be under the influence of one person, one land, one home: Freedom is Hercules.

With a little twist in that; and replacing Hercules with Ewan, this can be his tale. Ewan would perfectly fit in this picture, since his Greek mother and Egyptian dad made sure that he would get the sexiest look ever. His semi brownish smooth hair, light hazel wide yet sleepy eyes, perfect cherry lips and the cutest nose that I always loved to kiss; made him a Greek God. When we accidentally met in Sharm al Sheikh; I walked into his shop on purpose to buy anything my eyes could see, just to talk to him; though I was traveling with my straight friend. Sometimes; you cannot let such opportunities go away and give it a shot. When I walked into that Bazaar, I couldn't understand what I was doing, I just wanted to see him closer and listen to his voice -that would have turned me on, admiring his body under that light white Zara sleeveless top.

"How much is this necklace", I just mumbled while looking at his red lips, waiting he would pronounce anything just to watch them move. I pictured myself like Niles Crane, making advantage of any passing chance to look at Daphne Moon's body; touch her or just imagine her as a turn-on!

"45 Pounds. I got them from Sudan". 45 different kissing ways echoed in my mind: I swooned. He had this light Greek accent in those couple of words he pronounced in English. To be honest, I liked that necklace, it looked so simple yet very artistic. I just put them down and acted as if I am looking around the place.

"Where are you from?", he asked me while re-arranging the stuff I kept on moving and peeking on him.

"Cairo."

"Betetkalem Araby! [You speak Arabic]", he said, with the same sexy accent in any language he'd pronounce.

"Yeah! Of course", I answered. He just introduced himself and told me briefly about his little Bazaar, pointing at some stuff around the place and telling me from where he got them. "That one costed me a fortune! I had to pay taxes twice in Egypt for a mistake in my release paper work they did!" Yeah, whatever, what am I supposed to do to get you in bed? Ewan asked how long I was staying in Sharm; sadly it was my last day. He just gave me his number and promised that he would call, since he had to go to Cairo the following week-end to finish a new shipment coming from Greece. I felt happy.. is that a sign?

A couple of days later; my cell danced while showing Ewan on its screen. I picked up quickly and greeted him. Ewan was in Cairo, and asked if we could meet for coffee at night. If that wasn't a sign, then I must be an all-time horny bastard! We fixed time and place. While pushing the end call button, I was having my shower; then stormed into my closet, picking what to wear. It had to be something inviting, but not too sluty, something gayish, but not too queeny.. I found my Juicy shirt and Dolce Jeans -made for this occasion! I took my time doing my hair; I just had to look perfect for him.

Exactly at the preset time, Apollo was waiting infront of Pizza Hut. I stopped the car as he hopped in. Who told him I had a thing for shirts? The way he looked in that white three quarter buttoned shirt was a major turn on.

"Hey! Hope I am not late", I asked while greeting him.

"Nah, I just came anyway. It was a really long day, I am so tired!", he said while taking my iPod. "What have you got in here?"

"Almost everything, you pick what you wish", I answered.

"Mmm, do you have any Khaliji songs [Gulf Area Songs] ?" -Khaliji songs? No offense but Khaliji songs? I only heard one that was a rocking hit by Abdul Majid Abdullah -other than that, Khaliji songs? I never thought that someone from Egypt or worldwide hears them, except Khaliji people!

"No, I don't. Except the song Mashkalny", I answered while looking at him, waiting to catch any expression on his face.

"Oh, okay.. well, whatever you're playing is nice", he said in a surrendering way while putting the music device back in its place. "So where are we going?"

I was thinking to sit in Armando Café in Heliopolis. It was near, nice and pretty cosy for a first date. So I drove there while listening to the non-Khaliji songs that I was playing. Somewhere between a Madonna Erotica remix and a George Michael's Amazing, I was parking my car and making sure my preferred sofa was unoccupied.

While drinking my Café Latté, No foam, extra Espresso Shot, Ewan was having an Earl Grey. He wasn't much of a talker, but the few words that he used to say every now and then were enough to make a big discussion. We kept on chatting about everything and anything till we reached his life. He was dating someone, a girl he said. I felt like an Ice block falling on my head! All this and you're .. I can't even dare saying the unspeakable. Is my GayRadar fucked up? He can't be the S word! Noway. His eyes, I can read in his eyes that he was checking me all the time. I just decided to send my probes to make sure about that fact.. Straight? Soon after, I mentioned that his shirt was amazing. He blushed in a very attractive way and told me that he got it from Greece, a gift from an old boy friend. Boy friend? I laughed and said that he must be really in love with him to get him a Zara shirt! (I just wanted to shove the word "love" anywhere, it's the reaction that I wanted!). Ewan just moved his head and said: "Yeah, kind of". He paused for a second then said: "... I liked him, but not as much as I like you!". BINGO!

After having our drinks, Ewan felt uncomfortable staying in Armando. He wanted to cruise Heliopolis a little. We left the place and took the car. He expressed that he was having a slight headache, and that he would like to stretch back with the car seat. I made sure he'd feel comfortable, and even picked a nice mixture of Enya and Norah Jones' songs, mixing with some of my favorite Sade. I decided to cruise around a little until the time he takes his Bus back to Sharm. Ewan started talking about himself, about his life and family. He started saying everything that crossed his mind. He was feeling too relaxed and comfortable that he took my hand and kissed it. I felt electricity going up my spine, banging in my crane and steaming out of my ears. I looked at him and touched his cheek: so innocent he looked.

An hour later, I was driving him to the Bus Stop. Ewan thanked me and while still holding my hand, pressed his lips gently against mine. It was so warm, simple, and exciting. He left and asked me to go home directly, since it was too late for me already. While driving back, I felt excitement and joy inside of me yet I just shacked that off my head: how come all this happened in our first date? Holding hands, a lip kiss, talking to me about his life? Am I a person who people feel safe with and confide in him everything? Or was he a horny player who like to fuck everything in a smart way, by giving confidence and care and then turning out to be the same shit? He was cute, sexy, decent, gallant, even perfumed with my favorite Calvin Klein product! Do I have to slow down? Do I have to cancel this SMS I am sending to him? What if he is just doing this because of the atmosphere I've created? Wake up Digg! Stop this bullshit. If he wants you, he'd call you. I just raised my Music, right after I picked the song Mashkalny!

The next morning, half sleepy, half exhausted, I picked up my cell phone while turning in bed; 1 unread message. Ewan SMSed me, telling me that he reached Sharm safely and can't wait for us to meet again soon. I SMSed back wishing him a good morning and a catch up later for sure. It's magical how your body refreshes itself in an instant, letting go all the tiresome and exhaust that you were feeling a minute ago, just because you get something exciting. The little kid who forgets his pain once he is offered a toy or a candy remains inside of us, just evolved in other ways; but same concept persists. I knew was crazy, what I was doing, what I was feeling for someone I barely knew. Someone who could be anyone, anything! But I needed his presence, I needed to feel good, safe, cared, held, teased, squeezed; I just needed to feel wanted again after my recent break-up that was devastating me. Ewan was all what I needed -good looking, smart, successful, mid twenties.. only the Khaliji songs needed to be taken care of; that would come, later!

We kept talking over the phone for a while. He kept telling me his news and updates. It was nice knowing all these details, sharing some daily news with someone who cared to hear, talk and discuss them. His accent and deep voice always made me feel warm and comfortable. His self confidence and freedom in what he picked doing in life made me feel powerful and eager for more.

One evening, my phone rang, in his usual calling time.

"Hey, how is it going today, Digg?", he asked in a very hyper way.

"Good babe. You sound in a rush.. what's up?", I asked, trying to hear anything from the surrounding to guess where he was.

"I am in Armando. I couldn't wait to come and see you. Free for a Coffee?"

After a quick shower-shirt-pants-hair ceremony, I instantly drove to the Café. He was standing infront of the entrance, smoking and looking hotter, now with a deep tan, reflecting what he has been telling me about the fishing trips he had been doing. I approached him slowly, taking my time to look well at every part in him. He looked fine, so fine; I felt so hectic inside. He just dropped the cig and hugged me. I felt awkward, specially infront of my usual Café, but his warm body made me forget about everything around: I was safe again. We sat in our same Sofa, I lit a cigarette and told him what a great surprise he made.

"I just felt like coming over. I missed you", how nice when you decide to believe something though you know it is just a passing emotion. Don't we all like to hear good words? I can't decide whether it was out of desperation or need, or was it for real, did he really miss me? I just told him how I always loved Greek mythology and songs. I told him that I am a big fan of Mario Frangoulis (voice and look). Ewan just started telling me some of his favorite Greek singers -I felt comfortable, he does listen to other than Khaliji songs!

"How do we say I miss you, baby in Greek?", I asked.

"Mou Lipis, Agapi Mou", he answered, while leaning nearer.

"Sweet! Mou Lipis, Ewan!".

He laughed; then said: "Kalimera for Good Morning, Kalispera for Good Afternoon, Kalinihta for Good Night, Yassou for Hi and Bye"

"This Yassou is very much like Aloha!". For some reason, him teaching me Greek words sounded so sexy and different than all the other dates I had.

"... and if I want you to kiss me, what should I say?", I teased him while having a sip of my coffee.

"Oh, for that, it's Filise Me! and I would love to!".

A couple of minutes later, we were leaving the place when he said: "Let's go have dinner. I know this great Syrian restaurant in Mohandessine. It will be great to have some really home made like Syrian food". That was just perfect. I drove over there, while he was playing some of his Khaliji Songs in my car stereo. To be honest, I liked the songs because he liked them. He kept on mixing the best tracks he loved, all along with some Greek songs. He was translating most of the lyrics. I loved the beat. I loved him loving the beat; seeing him all gorgeous and relaxed, caring and sweet, warm and tender. When we reached the place, food was great, people were great. Was it? Or were I too much into him at that point? I watched him and learnt how to eat the Kharoof Mendy dish he picked. I was trying to use any of Greek words I learnt, it was strange how you start reorganizing yourself for someone, bedazzled by his magic and influence. When we finished our meal, Ewan just looked at me and said: "Digg. I want you to come to Suez during the week-end and visit my place. I want you to meet my family. I am sure they will love you." That was bold, him asking me to go deep in his life to that extent. I just asked him: "I'd love that, but, how will you introduce me to your dad?". He stopped, then looked at me and said: ".. as my boy friend."

I froze.

>> Proceed to Part II

:: Freaks on the Loose

"I'll be your sexual freak, of the week!" -George Michael, Freeek!

December 1st

The world promised to stop AIDS by 2015

If you go deeper in any Gay Community all over the world; you'd find the funniest; scariest; strangest; weirdest facts ever. You just need to be an observer who captures cases and analyses them later to get the juicy outcome. I had a bunch of dates; some are scary, others are fun but certainly they are all strange.

Since Jardino is the gay headquarters in Egypt; the MotherShip for all Aliens; whoever is cruising there after 1am is homosexual. Guys meet others; dates; hook-ups and even french kisses. He was cruising as usual that Thursday night when he noticed another car passing next to him. As usual, he looked over his right shoulder to rate the guy and decide whether to accelerate and run away (sign of rejection) or slow down next to him and keep sending the silent meaningful looks and check him out. With that particular guy; he had to press on the acceleration pedal as hard as he could. I almost could see flames coming out of the back tires. His automatic car became a racing manual one. The guy he was flirting next to him, who looked back at him and hit the breaks violently as soon as he recognized the face, who stood there frozen while looking at the other car driving hysterically away from him was nobody else but His own Father.

The whole scene was unbelievable. When Mootaz drove back home that night; he was in total shock: his dad was cruising Jardino! He kept thinking what would be the appropriate behavior; what to say or how to act. Being out to our parents is the toughest thing to be done; but being out both ways is beyond explanation or imagination. He found his dad at home. Maybe he was just passing by? But why that confusion, from both of them? [Lesson 1: Look at the car number plate before hitting on the guy]. They both worked out that issue; and now they cruise Jardino regularly; and of course they have a lot of stories to share. Poor Mother.

He is known for being the perfect drag queen. Commonly known as Suzette. Lately; a lot of people are scared even admitting they knew him for a while; though he used to be always present in many outings and gay gatherings. Suzette was one of the famous Jardino Flags. Always cruising around in his car saying hi to everyone around him; since he practically knows everyone. For those who are new; he doesn't mind stopping, stepping out of his car and walking in his famous cat walk, a hand on his waist and "Hi, how are you cute? I am Suzette!". Usually, if the guy is really new in all this, he just stays frozen for a second and Suzette makes sure to be all touchy during those precious, vulnerable moments. The guy ends up by spending the night with him. Suzette made sure that many of the easy-to-get boys sleep with him; since he doesn't mind any fuck. He brags and usually gossips about how bad the guy was; or how small his dick is or even describe how how he could manage having three fucks in a row with the guy's super cock! A big circle used to be formed around him. People listen. Laugh. Talk. Early in 2006, Suzette was diagnosed being HIV+. People stopped listening. Laughing. Talking. [Lesson 2: Always practice safe sex, and try not being a slut, would you?]. Some went in denial; fearing that they are infected. Others felt happy that this man eater is off the picture. Suzette is still practicing unsafe sex; last thing I heard. Is it revenge?

I am calling him the Black Widow spider (precisely Red-Black one). Tamer is a strange character who falls in love with someone and makes him believe that. After mating; he starts studying how to end the relationship in a dramatic way. Every single person who fell in his web admits and shares the same impression about him. Tamer doesn't like one night stands; he is masking the whole bed/fuck process in a sweet frame from his creation. Instead of enjoying his time, he has to fake a whole relationship, then starts lying and making up stories all along it. At the end, he breaks-up and manages showing himself the victim. I happened to know the Black Widow's real face due to a direct incident that happened with me. He mated with Miky, my dear friend. After meeting the Red-Back, I knew some of his previous victims. I asked around and found a common pattern: they were all bitten, vigorously. I started seeing the very same scenario happening with Miky, which was very confusing at the start, but very clear after I met him accidentally in Jardino. I could almost swear that his real Zodiac was Gemini, not Pisces as he claims: I met a totally different person in shape, clothing, mind, look and behavior -could it be his evil twin brother? A friend of mine has him on his Windows Live Messenger list. The Black Widow is in love again! [Lesson 3: Spiders should be squashed, instantly].

Amgad told me this incident that had happened to him: "I was chatting with a guy called Ali for a while, then we decided to meet for some private time. Ali took me to his place where we had sex together [I cannot remember at this point if he has mentioned how good the sex was]. A while later, I dated another guy. After knowing each other; he took me to his place. [note: Amgad is NOT a sex machine, on the contrary, he is very picky and longing for an intimate time for a while now. He is just not convinced with whoever he meets; problem of negative Karma surrounding him these months]. When I stepped into the apartment, I felt having a Déjà-Vu: I've been in this place before. After sharing my confusion, my date turned out to be Ali's brother. [Lesson 4: Make sure to check your date's ID before having sex!]. I'm curious to know which was better on bed.

A common pattern, which I consider the freakiest of all: guys who sleep with other guys; have active profiles on gayDar and ManJam (as well as GayRomeo); date and chat with many people yet they clearly specify that they are "Straights". Of course they Top. No need to talk about that. Deep inside of them: I am not fucked, I am not gay. I top. I am straight. One word: PERVERT!

Gay life is very confusing for those who don't have enough experience and a good friend to face all the drums. You just need to have faith in yourself. Follow your very own pattern. You'll be Genuine: and that is what people are looking for.

:: Message in a Bottle

MIRAGE: mirraa&ulzh;/

• noun 1 an optical illusion caused by atmospheric conditions, especially the appearance of a sheet of water in a desert or on a hot road caused by the refraction of light by heated air. 2 something illusory.

— ORIGIN French, from Latin mirare ‘look at’; cf. MIRROR

One of my usual holy habits is traveling to Alexandria every week-end. I just pack my quick stuff that are handy: my cool shirt, jeans, naughty pants, condoms, bathing set, laptop and iPod for a soft musical background if needed; and off I go! I spend one night in there, away from Cairo, away from my hectic life, feeling free in my hotel room, ready to date anyone -if "anyone" good enough exists! I usually end up dating 3 or 4 guys and come back to my cold hotel room alone, around 5 am, drunk, sit by my room's window in the 11th floor and look at the sea, the raging Mediterranean sea, since I prefer going there during winter time. I just follow the trail of my smoke, while it evades by the open window, moving around some cold air breeze and fades as fast as the cars that are now driving by the sea side, quickly, lonely, leaving a smoky vapor behind.. reminding me of stuff I do my best to forget; not always, but backed up there in the back of my mind, ready to go out once I have a couple of drinks and away from any fun aspect either a good chat or a crazy all-night dance. I just gaze my eyes all around the magnificent view, now that the sun is getting ready to show.. a faint reddish line is being spilled in the magnificently huge black background; making me, for a strange reason, shiver while having the last breath off my Davidoff.

"Another night is over in Alex.. Another week-end is gone".

There is something about me going there. I never thought about analyzing it or clearing it in my mind. I am driving, happily, check-in, happier, relax and watch TV, the happiest person ever. I call people. People call me. I set dates. I meet. I spend a magnificent time flirting this or that. I feel happy when they ask if they can come over and tuck me in bed, well, I wouldn't mind if he is a hottie of course.. but for some reason, the curve suddenly breaks at 5:00am, sharp. I feel total neglection and cold towards whoever is around. I am craving for one thing: rush to my room, look by the window, smoke a cig and then throw the butt all down the way from the 11th floor.. trying to see how far can I actually see it falling. Yeah, there is something that unplugs me. Something that makes me sad. Deeply. I wish I could tell Ayman about it. I wish Ayman was here... Is Ayman for real?

It was early summer when I got this gayDar message, from a guy in his twenties living in Alex asking to have a chat. He has no picture displayed. We, as great Fags, care a lot about pictures; stressing on the ever lasting "No Picture No Reply" bull shit we care about -as if a monkey sending you his picture, you'd actually reply back! By all means, if the age criteria and looks don't fit; we never reply, we don't even say: Sorry, I don't think we have a shot together -which I started saying to people lately; and it feels great to actually "reply" those who "have picture". For some reason, I feel more attracted to those people with no picture displayed, and a couple of lines talking about themselves. They are mysterious, a big portion of them are hotties (based upon experience) and so damn self confident, which is a major turn on in a man I date. I felt happy when I saw this "not so much viewed profile 30-something views only" -which means he is totally checking people and picking whom he should address and talk to; let's see. I added him.

He hasn't showed up for a couple of days. Well; a busy guy. He'll show up; for sure.

The fourth day; around 11pm he finally signed-in. He actually started the chat right away! We introduced ourselves. My pictures were displayed so he just changed and displayed his. A hunk. Ayman was a real hottie. My theory hasn't been shacked yet; about guys without pictures on gayDar! We had a very nice chat. I totally respect people who answer quickly; since I do the same, even if I have a gazillion of open Chat windows. Some people should be given total attention and focus. He shared me this; and I loved it. We set another date for the following night; since I had to go to bed. Ayman is a real catch; I thought. Looks like my next visit will be something!

The very next night; Ayman was there; online. We talked even more about everything, except ourselves. For some reason we haven't come near our own private lives; we haven't talked about any of our experiences that scared or scarred us. We just enjoyed the chat. He only said one thing about himself; he always wanted to be a model, everything was alright except for his height: he looked fine to me, 5 feet 5 is NOT short! I was captured by his decency; by his great pictures and his elegant way. Our chats never ended; we always found some ways to start something interesting and fun; something that will keep us awake all night; then blame him for making it harder for me to wake up on time next morning for my work; we laugh; we keep chatting.

A couple of weeks later; we exchanged numbers.. I never called, he never did. We just enjoyed our online Chat. Till I decided on a week-end to announce that I will be in Alexandria, where he is from. I sent him an SMS saying that Digg is in Town! Ayman SMSed back welcoming me in; and expressing how sorry he is since he always goes to Marina Beach during week-end. He expressed how funny this is too: I move to Alex while he moves to Marina. I didn't care; yes I wanted to see him in real; yes I felt good towards him but I always wanted to keep his perfectly mystical picture in my mind as it is. What would happen after we meet? Will my 5:00am curve be applied after meeting? Just another week-end. Let me enjoy it then!

The following week; I sent the same SMS to Ayman.. he replied by the end of the day. Marina. well; I started feeling strange about the whole "Marina" thing. Anyway; it's cool. I enjoy his presence this way. Things might go bad if we meet, right? It happened a lot!

Third week-end in Alex, two months ago. The weather was exceptionally magnificent. I had a couple of dates; one of them was accidentally in Alexandria. We decided to meet around 1:00am, time he finishes hanging out with his friends. I felt a little dizzy; since I haven't slept all that day; and I hate that feeling; specially if I will be having sex: I must give my date full attention as I require the same. I just walked back to my room around 11pm and decided to sleep. Everything was calm and quiet. Everything was peaceful. I forgot to fix the alarm.. shit! I woke up. It was almost 1:30am.. and 2 new messages. Damn. I haven't heard my cell phone ringing. It was my 1:00am date.. fuck! He canceled it. He couldn't make it that night.. and asked for a reset, the following night, yeah, whatever freak; I stay for only one night every week-end. Now I have nothing to do! I went to the bathroom to freshen up.. heard my SMS announcement. I just went back slowly to my cell phone; he should be sending his 3rd SMS apologizing or whatever... no.. it was Ayman. He was asking whether I was awake and free or not. Yes! I am free. He asked if it was okay to meet that night. I said that it was cool. We set our meeting time at 2:00am, in Beano's Café; right next to my hotel. I quickly had my shower; took my favorite shirt and cute pants. Extra gel on my hair to give it the correct wavy/spiky shape and fix all night. Some perfume. Flip Flops. Yeah, me ready to rock! I am meeting Ayman! How exciting is this! I'll finally get to see the guy in person. A final check infront of the mirror.. smokin'

I quickly walked to Beano's café. It was 2:03am. Ayman SMSed me saying that he will be 5 minutes late. I just picked a nice spot in there and waited. I wanted to order some coffee so I'd be in the "action" look when he walks in, I have to look different than any other regular date. Only if a waiter comes near! A couple of minutes later; I could see a car park infront of the Café. Leaving the flasher on, some hot guy stepped down and opened Beano's door, looked at me and said:

"Did you order anything?"

"No, I replied, I was about to or..."

"Good! Come, jump in the car, we're going somewhere else!"

Damn, he was the very first guy who made a right "entrance" on me! I always do this! I always make the first meeting as a quick snapshot; a camera flash, so I break the fear and look cooler. Ayman played the same game on me! I went into his WV Golf 2006 car; blue; my favorite color. I could listen to Track 2, Electronic House 2006 -I have the same compilation on my iPod! I am feeling so comfortable. I looked at Ayman; yeah; he is as cute as I always pictured him; not that short; as I always told him. Now, it was my turn to keep a live conversation while he is driving to some destination.

"Finally we met!"

"Yeah! I just came back from Marina, well, you know, the weather there is great and I always stay there whenever I am off", he replied.

"Cool, I runaway from Cairo to Alex while you make it to Marina. I should change my plans at some point then!", we both laughed. Ayman kept driving, moving with the music, talking and chatting. I felt him tensed; but sensed him relaxed inside. It's just the first meeting's worry, not a big deal. After driving a while along the sea side, he took left in a street, found a parking space and we both stepped out of the car. He guided me into a Pub, a pretty nice one. The owner was expecting us. Ayman, you keep impressing me! He welcomed us and now we were walking to a table with pretty white dantelle napkins on it; wine and beer and many spicy sea food side dishes. It looked great; the way the table was fixed; the only table set in that way. Ayman told me that he reserved the place and asked this to be done. I felt butterflies inside of me! It's magnificent how someone cares for you; cares for your feelings and knows how to impress you. He was good, real good!

We had a great talk; this time live; smoking; drinking; laughing; and checking each others' out. I noticed he carried two cell phones. I had only one explanation in mind: he "organized" his life. One of his phones kept ringing and he was neglecting it. We talked about beach, water, sand, sports, Yoga, music, taekwondo, movies, . He told me that he plays Piano. "Great! I love Piano", I said, "You can play me something in our Hotel's Bar. I guess I saw a Piano there!" -Ayman was delighted and promised to do so as soon as we get back to my Hotel. Some time later, I asked for cheque and insisted paying it.. I was very happy (and drunk). He drove back, as fast as he could to the Hotel [PS: do not drink and drive], parked downstairs and this time, he answered his phone. I stepped away, sensing that this was one of those family calls. Yep, it was, he told me that his mother's wondering why the heck was he that late! He told them, at 1:45am, that he's going to Metro Market to buy some dog food. It was 5:00am!

Ayman went up to the Bar, sadly, it was closed. I couldn't listen to his play. He mentioned something about not being into this Hotel before. I invited him to check my suite, and have an idea about the view and quality. He agreed. I was thinking, to be honest, that things might go from there, but I always kept in my mind that his parents called, and he is expected to go home any minute. I shouldn't rush things; let it be anytime later; I am always in Alex anyway.

We walked into my room, Ayman looked at the sea. "How beautiful is this?", he said, while lighting a cigarette. I took one of my butts and looked by the window too; yeah; a faint reddish line is being spilled in the magnificently huge black background; making me, for a strange reason, shiver while having a deep breath from my Davidoff. It was great, specially that Jack Johnson, Matt Nathanson and Norah Jones were mixing something in the background, out of the laptop. Too drunk to focus, but feeling too high and extremely great and relaxed. He finished his smoke and was in between staying or leaving.. a serious dilemma. I just said that this is too late for him, I didn't want him to have problems. He just said bye and left. I stayed next to the window; looking at his little Lego car from the 11th floor moving and blending with the horizon, I threw my cig, and watched it falling all the way down. I could see the red light in the middle of the dark road. I waited for his SMS. I know he would send one. He did. I replied, thanking him for what he sent and for the unique exceptional night. I truly enjoyed it, with a very decent, smart, stylish and most of all, elegant person.

I couldn't make it the following week-end to Alexandria. I had loads of work to do. I wanted to go and meet Ayman, but I also felt that this way is good too; better making things as cute as they are. Soon after, it was Ramadan. I never go to Alex during Ramadan due to Iftar parties; family commitments, and well, no sex. I sent Ayman the "Happy Ramadan" Best Wishes SMS. Three days later, the SMS failed delivery. That was strange. I don't even remember seeing Ayman online for a big while now. I tried calling. His cell phone is switched off.

Ramadan ended, I sent everyone, including Ayman, the "Happy Eid" Best Wishes SMS! I kept waiting and watching the delivery receipts.. none from Ayman. Three days later, the SMS failed delivery. That was stranger. Ayman hasn't come online for a bigger while now. I haven't seen him since. I felt worried. I called some dear friends, asked them about him, giving them his description. I even asked for his number, whether they have it saved. He doesn't exist. Nobody met him, nobody knows him, nobody ever heard about him, a ghost, a mirage!

That was so confusing... That was strange. He was too good to be true, yes, we clicked in a very strange level. What is happening now? Where is he? Did I imagine all this?

Last week; I was in Alexandria. One of my dates took me to Sheikh Ali bar.I always heard about it, but never been to it. It's a commonly known gay bar. When I walked in, I just remembered Ayman. I never knew that he took me to this famous Gay pub I always wanted to join. After a couple of drinks, I excused and went back to my hotel room. just thinking about Ayman, while gazing at the red light mixing with the highway.. he was too good to be true; and, in fact, looks like he wasn't true.

"A", I am leaving this blog entry as a message in a bottle. I never knew much about you; your sudden disappearance was too unexpected. The couple of hours I spent with you were magnificent, and engraved in my mind for whatever time comes. I just hope you're safe and sound wherever you are... You will be always remembered, anytime I am in Alexandria. "Just follow the smoke".

:: A little too much Diphenhydramine

"hmmm, I want it all in me", he said; between two pleasure moans.

I just leaned forward, went softly on his shoulder, touched his skin, kissed his neck, and went up his warm, now sweaty body till I reached his ear. I just floated my lips around, letting him feel my warm breath, and said gently:

"Are you sure.. One more time?"

"Yes, baby", he replied; with a very exciting firm tone. I pushed, he moaned, ... I fainted!

........

Some Internet users, not so out of the closet gay guys out there haven't added their profiles neither on gayDar nor on ManJam yet. You should spread your spider web elsewhere, other places where you can catch some other flies, some other boys. That's when I log on to FacePic. If you search for a "any sexuality", "male", "online now", "Cairo" -all the results are crowded with gay people. Over 90% are stamped with the Rainbow. Those who are wrongly mixed in the crowed, say it out loud in their profile: Sorry guys, I am not Gay. He might be bisexual (not my type and they don't exist). If you're not sure about it, then if the "looking for" is saying "Anyone, Anything" -Prepare the cocktails. Yep! He's gay!

I made sure I followed those rules, checked the right boxes, picked the right gay-agreed-upon inputs and looked at the online guys, of course "Only return picture profiles", I am a superficial fag!

"Found 14 matches" -yeah, the same old faces. The same old guys. I knew this one, met that one, heard about this one and slept with those. I left the page open for a while; so other gay hunters might catch me; if any are hot enough and don't display their pictures. A couple of minutes later, Bingo! One new message received. I clicked, waited, opened, checked the details. He was younger than me. I don't mind age, when it comes to a fuck; it's cool.

" Hiiii. I like ur profile. can we chat ??? add me on msn xxxxxx@hotmail.com "

Well; why not. At least he sent me a message in English, good English. Believe me some people do make horrible mistakes even in such short version of introduction. I just felt like I would give it a shot chatting with him, and if things go bad, or not okay, my block button is very handy. Bless you MSN for making this creation in such a quick, easy to find place! He was online by the time I added him. A flashy, dancing HI popped up. "Yeah, one of the MSN transformers.. ugh! Bad start", I just said in my head. We talked, introduced ourselves. He commented on my picture, so I did the usual, scrolling them one after the other. A way to say: Thanks! What about yours? Since I never ask for someone to display his picture, I just wait till he feels guilty enough to put it.

He felt guilty. They all do!

"That's me. What do you think?"

What do I think? I think we should fuck tonight. FREE?

"Nice picture. You look cute!", I replied, calmly. As a matter of fact, chat doesn't make the other party see your face reaction, otherwise some drooling, disgust, ignoring and other either positive or negative behaviors would have been really embarrassing in different situations. Tim was a cute boy, a bit sexy. He used to live by the Red Sea for a while; since his parents worked there, which made him acquire this amazing tan all over his body, and magnificently showing on his face, making his eyes' hazel color glow. I felt more interested in the chat, I wanted to know more about him and why not having a coffee sometime! He was so much quicker and bolder than me:

"Have you seen The Hills Have Eyes?", he asked.

That horrible, disgusting, boring, stupid, pointless, ...

"Great! I saw it, but like to watch it again. Do you want to go?", I answered; just thinking about how this night would end.

"Yeah, I'd love to."

I had a date! City Stars Mall, 8:00pm.

I parked in K14, made sure I am well perfumed, hair well done, clothes nicely on me, not too gay, but I ain't straight either... well, all is cool. I dialed his number while taking the electric stairs up to the mall's ground floor. Mazen answered, telling me that he already bought the tickets and waiting for me in Alfredo's Café. "3 minutes and I'll be there". Alfredo Café is a all-in-red café in City Stars. I never sat there; but the deep red color coming out of it always attracted my attention. I came near it, swept the place with my eyes: first, I am making sure that nobody else I know is around the place, second, I wanted to see how he looks like; before he fixes the way he sits, or the way he is yawning! Mazen was sitting calmly in a corner, looking at the menu.

"Hey Mazz!", I said, lively while sitting down. I do like big entrances!

"Digg, how are you?", after the His and Hellos, and Goods and Fines. I ordered my Latté, do you have Vanilla flavor shot? (since it was my first time in that Café). He ordered Hot Choco. We talked for a while, he was a good talkative person. A little too talkative sometimes but entertaining. It was 9:15 already. We had to go up to the movie theatre so we'd catch the boring movie. I was dragging myself in there, anything for this Cutie!

The movie began. Mazen made sure he'd make use of any scene that showed gore to grab my arm, my leg or just "accidentally" hit my croach. I made sure I provided him enough "care", after all, his nice D&G shirt and Jeans were a real extra turn on for me. His tan was great. His proper English and he had one of the smiles that make want to kiss the lips that formed it. I felt good, a guaranteed new, hot date is here.

It was in the entr'acte when his cell rang. Mazen's brother was checking on him and making sure that he hasn't forget the "thing" that they had to do later that night. Is this a rescue call? I am so suspicious by nature, I believed that and felt totally off. For the second part of that motion picture where stupid zombie creatures rip each others' heads, drag corpses and burn cars, I was rushing every second to end quicker than the other so I'd leave and call it a night. A rescue call! What a total classic! I really wanted to tell him that he is dismissed!

Finally, something horrific happened in the movie's ending sequence (I had never been that relieved by a horror ending scene before), got up and started leaving the hall, followed by Mazen. Once we've reached the exit; I tried to say quick byes to end this quicker, so he'd feel more comfortable. "Don't you want to have another coffee and a smoke?", proposed Mazz. What the? Do I get wrong vibes? I just excused and said that I have a migraine, which I usually suffer from. Mazen walked with me till K14 underground car lot, said good bye and kissed me a wet kiss on my cheek. What the? Do I still get wrong vibes?

While driving home, my cell announced incoming message, I predicted it was from him: Thanx for this great nite. I'd love knowing u more. hugs & kisses. Well, I am not getting any wrong vibes! Damn. I was about to totally waste a hot fuck! I replied his message with my usual "*smile* and sure!". Once I got back home, Mazz was online. We had a quick chat online about how horrible the movie was, and how he wasn't that bored with the movie because I was there (!)

A couple of days passed. A couple of SMS's and Chat sessions were exchanged between both of us, till that night. I came back home around 1am after a 48 hours non stop work related problems. I was too tensed to sleep, yet too tired to stay awake. I just decided to take two sleeping pills to help me relax, prepare a cup of herbal tea and go online for half an hour till the pills' effect started. Mazz was online.

"Hi Digg. How are you?"

"Good! What about you, Mazz?", I replied while sipping some of my mixed herbs tea.

"I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to the Red Sea. My new college semester will start!", replied Mazen.

"Oh, well, how long will you stay?"

"Around 6 months, not sure yet!"

Damn! That's long. What if ...

"Would you like to come over? They are showing Monk tonight!", proposed Mazen. Yes! I love Monk! I want to watch Monk! I want to Monk out with you.

"OKay, on my way."

I had to stop by Merto Market to get some condoms; essential! and then drove to his place. He kept calling me every 5 minutes making sure that I am on my way, that I am not lost and to hurry up! I parked down his place, went up and knocked on the door. Mazen opened, he looked cuter than before.. maybe because he was wearing these more comfortable dark blue boxers and white cut shirt? Or is it the light, reflecting on his tan and hazel eyes making him impossible to resist?

We sat down, watching TV. Monk was investigating some murder and doubting the dead guy's wife. I made my expectations, Mazz ruined the show because he already saw that episode in its first run. Still, I kept watching the episode while Mazen was offering me some wine. While Monk was announcing to Sharona that he cracked the case, Mazz offered to "uncrack" my muscles!

"I do good massage.. would you like to try?"

"How pro are you, big boy? Are aromatic oils involved?"

"... and soft music!", he replied while getting up and showing me the way to the bed room.

I just took off my shirt, slept on my stomach and he was "preparing" the correct ingredients. He inserted a Matt Nathanson Best Of CD, dimmed the lights and sat on my back. He poured some of the oils he had brought and started rubbing my back.. slowly.. warmly.. letting me feel my muscles detach.. my head relaxing with "I saw" coming out of the speakers.. remembering that I took two rather strong sleeping pills!

Shit! I should fight this urge. I should not sleep. I am awake! Action should start! I moved around, took Mazen between my arms and we started kissing. He tasted good, he smelled nice aromatic oils and the music sounded coming from heaven. I am not going to the light.. I am staying awake!

We kept kissing for almost an hour.. we undressed each other slowly, making sure to enjoy every second, every moment between each other's arms. I reached down to his blue boxers, slipped them off slowly. Went all the way down his body and made sure to discover every inch of it. Mazen just took one of the condoms and decided I'd use one of them. He expertly installed it, and slowly the things were totally connected. He was hot, I was hot. We sparkled!

"It was great", said Mazen while kissing my neck. Yes, it was categorized under Good Sex. I did enjoy it too. He's pro! We kept cuddling for almost an hour, talking about many trivial subjects while I was resisting an impossible, unexplainable urge to sleep. Pills, hot drinks, wine, massage, soft music and a blow... I couldn't focus anymore. My body was revolting. I just wanted him to shut up for 5 minutes so I'd sleep. On the contrary.. he decided to start another round.. another wild sex encounter. I wanted to; but could not move a muscle. I just tried to recall any extra charge I have hidden in any part of my body. The last charge was used for ejaculation. Now.. I am drained.

I just tried.. got up.. started kissing his body. I was regaining my strength. There is something about sex that makes you alive. Don't they say best cure for the flu is sex? My eyes were getting heavier. I was acting slower... he wanted to have another intercourse. I put my condom, one more time Digg, one more time and that's it. He's too hot to resist. You'll not see him in the coming six months..

"Yes baby" .. and I lost consciousness.

I woke up, it was sunny! Mazen was sitting next to me, looking at me, now wearing another blue boxers.

"Heeey habibi. How are you now?", said Mazen, with a big smile.

"What time is it?", I asked while making sure I am covered, now that I was totally nude and I feel uncomfortable.

"It's almost 11, let me bring you a cup of coffee!".

I went to the bathroom, had a quick shower and dressed up. Mazen was sitting in the balcony with his cup of coffee and one on the table, inviting me to go and drink it all, one shot, to remove this noisy sound in my head.

"I am sorry.. I was really tired", I started the conversation while looking at him.

"I know baby, I just pushed on you.. I couldn't let you go!", he answered, while laughing.

We finished our coffee and I drove him to the Bus station so he'd go back to his college. We kept chatting together, till a couple of days ago, Mazen told me that he is getting committed to someone.

"Ahmed, do you know him?", he asked. Ahmed? Well yeah! I know every "inch" in Ahmed!

"I met him once before, he's a good guy", I replied.

"Well, I really like him and we're starting something together."

I just closed my eyes, remembered how it was with Ahmed.. mmm..

... yeah, they'd fit together!

:: The Frog Prince

"... when the wrong one loves you right!" -Céline Dion.

I still remember that time before I got committed; when I was so weak and vulnerable. I longed for a warm hug and a thrilling touch. A tender look, a soft word. I got committed soon after and I longed for freedom. Fun. Naughty life and partying like crazy. Looks like we are never satisfied with what we have.

We used to gather in this UN representative house, Human Rights department (yeah, and Gay. Aren't all Human Rights activists gay? Who has the teddy bear heart, the positive thinking and the sense of giving but us, the Rainbow Generation?). I was around my 19th year back then, my Golden Years! That was when I first met Mahmoud. He was a very elegant, sophisticated guy. Such a classy person in the way he talks, entertaining while he speaks, full of wonders when you listen to him. Mahmoud used to go to Gym, play Tennis and swim regularly. He had a successful career and very good friends. He used to speak many languages: English, French, Spanish, Italian, German and Arabic of course. He's been around the world, experienced more! I am sure he used to be a drop dead gorgeous guy 45 years ago, when he was 23 years old. Yes, he was around his 68th year.

Mahmoud was attracted to me first time I was seen moving around that gathering. Back then, lack of experience, I couldn't read this in his eyes. He was gran pa' .. Cute gran pa' who is so friendly and nice. Cute wrinkled gran pa'. For the first couple of months, we used to talk every Thursday, when we used to meet in that gathering. He was fun. I found a familiar comfortable face in the crowd, specially that it was one of my very first home gathering experiences. Yeah, the guy was falling.

Halloween night: we were partying, lots of drinks, lots of heat, lots of hunks, one Mahmoud! I drank two Beers, one Bloody Mary, Scotch sec and 2 shots of tequila with some guy in between. Payback time! I just vomited in the bathroom. Mahmoud, of course who was keeping his eyes on me and following each and every step I did, came to my rescue quickly. He stayed there, tried to help me. "Leave me alone!" -how embarrassing when someone is next to you, puking in the toilet. "For God sake give me some privacy", sure all this sounded perfectly nice in my head: I didn't have the power to say it out loud. Between two throw-ups, I managed saying: "I .. *pwaaaaa* .. going home .. *pwaaaaaaaaaa* .. now ... "uughhhhh*" -Mahmoud just took me; and drove me in his car to my house. I couldn't drive of course. He wouldn't let me. "I will get your car tomorrow".

"Thanks gran pa' " -It sounded good in my head, I remember that.

SMSes showered me the next morning. He cared a lot about me, yeah he did. 68 years of experience, of course he knows how to make me feel special. I felt grateful for what he did, I felt that someone is really giving me the care I wanted. Yep. My missing gran pa' love that I never had. If he only knew how I felt towards him. If I only knew how he felt towards me.

He started taking me out, Opera house, Music concerts, his friends; whose ages were at least three times my age back then, fancy dinners that were preceded by fancy lunches and of course the pack should have a very fancy breakfast, in his house. His fancy house. Mahmoud designed it, inch by inch. Good sense of decoration he had, back in the 50s!

For some reason, Mahmoud used to enjoy hanging out with young boys. For me, I was pretty much mature for my age. I used to respect him a lot. On the other hand, other boys he used to hang out with used to treat him in a very childish way.. and the freakiest thing is that he used to act like them too. He was a big baby, and I am not saying it in a cute way.

By that time, I was depressed. My friends advised me to get into a relationship, and since Mahmoud has already told them how he felt, they proposed him.

"He cares about you in a magnificent way.. He's really into you"

".. but I am not really feeling anything towards him, but good friendship", yeah right, that's what I *only* answered. Damn. I was so naive back then.

"Try it Digg, just try. Who knows! The guy is really into you"

"Try? I cannot gamble with feelings", perfect sense of responsibility I had. Though I liked it, someone head over heels and me completely cool about it. And that's what I did. A time to know each other prior to any commitment, knowing each other on a higher, different level.

He hasn't changed, on the contrary, he was warmer, better caring and deeper in feelings; as well as he was a sex machine. A dried sex machine. Cum used to come out in a powder form: I needed a solvent. He was all the time asking for sex. On the couch. On the floor. On the bed. In the kitchen. In the car. In the elevator. For crying out loud even next to the UN representative guy on his bed while he was sleeping (don't judge me. We were traveling together, the guy slept in our room and The Frog needed to have sex, in this very moment!)

NOTICE: The following sequence might be inappropriate for some readers: If you suffer nightmares, a weak heart, photosensitive epilepsy, straight, kidney problems, digestive difficulties; please skip it.

Sex: The poor me used to sing for his sexual (now not anymore) reproductive tool in order to wake it up and make it face the crowd. I learnt the Hindu snake dance music and body motions just for him. He had the desire, but he didn't have the muscles and appropriate nerves in order to stimulate the right areas in his body. For instance, he might rise his finger, or his left eyebrow prior for his dick to go up straight: some errors in his nervous system. He used to go on top of me and start kissing, all over, all around. His saliva glands weren't working properly, by that time I understood why he used to drink a lot of water (other than preserving himself from dehydration). Then, he used to make sure that we were both totally naked (no glasses) and starts rubbing all of his body against mine, in a motion wave-like way, moaning, yelling, scream, squeezing.. a couple of powder packets are open and.. that's it. He goes aside, takes a deep breath, removing all the sweat he had and I light my cigarette, thanking God that this monosex has ended. The whole process couldn't get longer than 4 minutes (including the dry kissing).

He wanted to try intercourse; which of course ended in a very bad way. He couldn't keep his Pride One up for one full minute, and well, he couldn't handle me, for some prostate problems, it appears.

Result: a Total Failure.

NOTICE: You may Open your eyes now.

I tried to get along with the whole situation, after all, sex isn't the main thing (yeah, as if!) I planed some nice gatherings; some interesting meetings and, most important of all, kept myself from fooling around, though we were just dating!

Later that month, Mahmoud had a business trip to the States, for 3 weeks. I felt uncomfortable, seeing him leave. Who will cripple on top of me? Who will have the fever shakes now that he's gone? I just thought that this will be a great time, for both of us to come clear and touch deep inside. I felt uncomfortable, but free and relaxed during those 3 weeks. I even met some hot guy, exchanged numbers and waited for the right moment to come in order to remember how good, fluid involved sex was like! During those three Holy weeks; Mahmoud SMSed me less and less day after day. I was totally neutral about that.

That night, we went to Cairo International Airport to pick up my Frog, I really couldn't go alone. I begged my fiends to come with me. I didn't want to practice any Hindi actions; or black magic Voodoo spells. I just wanted to let this night pass; and tomorrow morning; we would talk about the whole thing.

"Hey, Mahmoud, let's have coffee", I proposed, the next morning.

"Sure, meet at johnny Carino's?" -he answered, not sensing my vibe.

"No. Marriott Bakery al Hegaz street"

"..."

Now he got it. Marriott Bakery al Hegaz was known among my friends and I as the "break-up" place. Even our straight friends used to dumb their girlfriends in their. The sound of "Bakery al Hegaz" was enough to make your saliva dry (Mahmoud didn't have the option to feel that effect, sadly).

Half an hour later; we were there. Mahmoud felt it coming. I talked, calmly. "I cannot accept, one day, while we're together, that I'd cheat on you. I will; I know it. We are not satisfying each other (hah!!!!!) fully." For the first time; I knew where all the water Mahmoud used to drink used to be saved: he burst into tears. This 68 years old guy became, all of a sudden, a 6 years old kid, and I am not saying it in a cute way, either! "Can we stay together, till you find someone else?" -it still rings in my head. Will I ever be that desperate one day? Mahmoud is a great guy; but why is he stuck with the young boys? He could very much date someone his age; or around his age; one of his great friends. They would totally fit together; their trips around the globe, their work, business, mind and life. Why would he always put himself in the same situation with every boy he dated (before and after me)? I couldn't tell him that. I wouldn't tell him that. I just asked for us to remain friends, like we were. I knew the equation is never reversible; he called me once every two days, once every couple of month.. then never again.

Mahmoud, I still keep the old classic watch you gave me. I still keep the silver ring. They both remind me that time, when I was loved right; but not correctly.