Gasp!

:: Walk, Walk Fashion Baby

I want your love and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love and all your lover's revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Caught in a bad romance
Caught in a bad romance

Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge
Je veux ton amour

I don't want to be friends

:: Over and Under

 

“Why did you stop dating him?”, I asked, hiding the real motive behind my question.

“He was double dating, both me and someone else at the same time. I accidently knew, how small this world is; and I just walked away from his life. I disappeared.”

I looked at him, while feeling that cool air breeze on a summer June Cairo night coming from the Nile. I shivered and wanted to better understand his idea about dating while trying to act indifferent about it:

“But it’s okay, I mean; he can date whoever he wants as long as there is no serious commitment there. You happen to be dating each other and he came across someone else; you’re not exclusive, but both of you are interesting and intriguing to him.”

“Yeah”, he answered while looking at me with his calm, deep, sparkling black eyes; “but I don’t do that, and I don’t put myself in such situation. I can’t double date. When I am seeing someone, I give him my full attention. I don’t believe that I would be able to divide this, or actually accept a piece of his full unconditional attention.”

I drew a cold smile on my face and turned my face. He was perfect. In all meanings of the word. He was elevating me to higher grounds.

Ever since we met, I started picturing “us”. Whenever my work friends ask me to travel, or go for a crazy paint ball game at Rehab, he pops-up in the back of my mind. I picture him tagging along with me. I picture him, in ten years, living together. It had been a while since I got that emotional rush. I has been a while since I got that fantastic rush.

“What do you think? Do you double date, Digg?”

He was direct. He just asked it. I never take that straight forward action. I smiled again and took a deep breathe. I neither wanted to sound ridiculous nor needy. It was too early to expose any feelings. It was too soon to imagine anything. My teenage mind controlled me:

“I rarely date to start with. I can’t remember my real last date; it’s basically impossible for me to double date”.

His look held many questions; I wanted to ask him if we could go steady. If this was for real. If he’d break my heart one day. If I could trust him.

I removed all my profiles from all dating sites. If at my age I couldn’t find someone to share my life with, what makes me find him in that meat market anyway? If I found someone who is highly compatible with me; why shall I bother checking empty messages and meaningless texts from strangers who can’t meet or satisfy my requirements and needs anyway?

 

Today, out of curiosity, I checked his profile’s link. He was online on that dating site. I don’t know how should I react or what should I say. I can’t face anyone with the bare truth because when I do it only means the end. I don’t negotiate, I don’t tolerate. I don’t want to listen to lies. I don’t want to put him in a I-have-to-lie situation.

It’s too early to put rules; but what about double-dating?

This is taking me under.

Under.

:: Longing

You want to call him; but would it sound too needy? Pushing things?

Butterflies fill your stomach just thinking about him; most of the time you do anyway. You want to hear his deep comforting voice. You want to hear his cheerful, balanced yet real laughter. You want to just check-up on him, now that he’s travelling away.

Maybe just a text message?

Then you re-think that the last texts and calls were initiated by you. You try to fight your longing and missing just to keep a certain image. He has to call you first sometime. Even though he made it a clear and open invitation that you are welcome anytime to call him; that he misses hanging out with you; that he loved the one hour and a half making out session; you just have to make him want you more.

You are then afraid logging into your MSN account; because you don’t want to see him online and start wondering what he might be doing. You don’t want to login into any of the online profiles; not because you might be feeling that you found something good; but not wanting to ruin it by seeing his “last logged on” timestamp.

Thoughts and ideas start haunting you.

I am haunted;

and I am longing for him.

:: Straight… to bed.

“I'm heterosexual and I have gay thoughts regularly, such as:
"Oh crap, this shirt doesn't go with these pants at all.” – some blog writer.

For the past few weeks, I have been fantasizing about a security guy who I had known a year ago. He had been guarding one of our work offices and, because of me being attracted, I befriended him. Even though I know for sure that he is straight, due to his never ending female problems, but I have strong doubts that he has some tendencies, like most straight men do. Knowing myself as a person who would never cross that line, not even because he might be gorgeous and inviting, but I can’t help but wonder, how many presumably straight men have I been with, and how far have they pushed the envelope?

Flashback during school. Hearing about “group jerking-off” nights where many of my friends back then used to watch porn and keep jerking-off all night. I wouldn’t dare joining them because I was worried someone would catch me peeking. I had to keep a good cover, and always a good excuse. One of those nights, Keram, a class mate and a neighbour, called me up, asking for some technical help with his PC.

“5 minutes and I’d be over”, I answered. I quickly changed in my army pants and a matching shirt and went over to his place. When I got into his room, I found lots of porn magazines laying around the place; while another porn movie playing on his computer. I laughed and said:

“You’d better clean this up soon mate, your parents wouldn’t be quiet happy finding this shit when they come back!”

“Don’t worry”, he answered, “they are off for the week-end to Marina, however apparently one of those porn sites fucked my machine and dad usually uses it. Can you fix it? It just keeps popping up out of nowhere porn advertisements!”

“A classic spyware problem”, I answered. I had to comment on that latino chick’s big boobs while I was at it. Keram gave a lusty look while fantasizing how gorgeous she would be on his bed, sucking his dick. The thought aroused me, especially that Keram used to be in Heliopolis club’s water polo team and boy, those men are always hunks!

“So, let’s see this system!”, I quickly said while closing all the advertisements and videos. “We need to clean up this mess”.

“Man, take your time! They won’t be back tonight anyway. Let’s watch some of those hot pussies before you fix the PC. I still have the night, just show me how to do it and I’ll clean that later. I just don’t want to corrupt it after fixing it!”

I felt uncomfortable. I wouldn’t get aroused on pussies. I had to make-up an excuse!

“You cockless bastard! Stop thinking with your dick!”, I didn’t know where did that come from, but I was planning an escape plan.

“Hell you think I am cockless?”, he answered quickly. I understood where things were going.

“Fuck you!”, I said laughing! “Let me fix this shit”. It was awkward. For me. Only me!

That’s when out of nowhere, he grabbed my cock.

“You’re hard man! Come on just feel comfortable dude!”

Damn. Damn. SHIT!

“Yo! What the fuck are you doing dude! That’s so fucking gay!”, I just said, last line in my defense.

We ended up with his cock in my mouth. How gay was that!

We kept on doing that for a while; he used to call me, and ask me to get over his place. We’d talk a bit, play some porn and just have casual, teenage sex.

Our friendship evolved from two buddies who used to go to school together; to two sex freaks who only met for that purpose. Years passed; he still lives next door again but we never say hi. We never talk. He went into deep denial of what happened, while I felt very bad that I lost a good friend; for sex.

I learnt. I learnt that I should think what is more important to me first: sex, that I can get from anyone, anytime; or a good friend.

:: Fear

“Virgos keep their youthfulness and rarely show their age. In love, they have difficulty expressing themselves as they desire. They may seem self-sufficient, but they are happiest with someone to love and who loves them.”

I think I am dating someone; and it is scaring the shit out of me. I am not sure whether this is just another excellent teaser or is it really it. When I thought I’d never gamble, find someone, communicate with a person, be impressed by looks and mentality; he appeared. He just walked into my life. He just fit himself inside my agenda. He made sure that, slowly, I believe in him.

I am just scared. I am freaking out. I am starting to, unintentionally, build barriers which I am trying to break.

I don’t want to be hurt again. I just can’t take it anymore.

 

“Virgo’s domain in the horoscope wheel is the sixth house; the house of work, those one employs, matters of health and fitness and day to day activities. If a Virgo man cheats, it’s most likely that the infidelity will occur with someone connected to one of these activities like a colleague or someone he sees regularly at the gym.

The attraction can also occur with someone he has regular contact with everyday such as the person who sells him his morning coffee. Much in the way that Leo is more likely to cheat with a person working with him on a creative project (the fifth house), so too is Virgo more likely to cheat with someone connected to his daily routine.”

 

Based on this, both of us might cheat. How fun!

How scary!