Gasp!

:: Walk, Walk Fashion Baby

I want your love and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love and all your lover's revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Caught in a bad romance
Caught in a bad romance

Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge
Je veux ton amour

I don't want to be friends

:: Over and Under

 

“Why did you stop dating him?”, I asked, hiding the real motive behind my question.

“He was double dating, both me and someone else at the same time. I accidently knew, how small this world is; and I just walked away from his life. I disappeared.”

I looked at him, while feeling that cool air breeze on a summer June Cairo night coming from the Nile. I shivered and wanted to better understand his idea about dating while trying to act indifferent about it:

“But it’s okay, I mean; he can date whoever he wants as long as there is no serious commitment there. You happen to be dating each other and he came across someone else; you’re not exclusive, but both of you are interesting and intriguing to him.”

“Yeah”, he answered while looking at me with his calm, deep, sparkling black eyes; “but I don’t do that, and I don’t put myself in such situation. I can’t double date. When I am seeing someone, I give him my full attention. I don’t believe that I would be able to divide this, or actually accept a piece of his full unconditional attention.”

I drew a cold smile on my face and turned my face. He was perfect. In all meanings of the word. He was elevating me to higher grounds.

Ever since we met, I started picturing “us”. Whenever my work friends ask me to travel, or go for a crazy paint ball game at Rehab, he pops-up in the back of my mind. I picture him tagging along with me. I picture him, in ten years, living together. It had been a while since I got that emotional rush. I has been a while since I got that fantastic rush.

“What do you think? Do you double date, Digg?”

He was direct. He just asked it. I never take that straight forward action. I smiled again and took a deep breathe. I neither wanted to sound ridiculous nor needy. It was too early to expose any feelings. It was too soon to imagine anything. My teenage mind controlled me:

“I rarely date to start with. I can’t remember my real last date; it’s basically impossible for me to double date”.

His look held many questions; I wanted to ask him if we could go steady. If this was for real. If he’d break my heart one day. If I could trust him.

I removed all my profiles from all dating sites. If at my age I couldn’t find someone to share my life with, what makes me find him in that meat market anyway? If I found someone who is highly compatible with me; why shall I bother checking empty messages and meaningless texts from strangers who can’t meet or satisfy my requirements and needs anyway?

 

Today, out of curiosity, I checked his profile’s link. He was online on that dating site. I don’t know how should I react or what should I say. I can’t face anyone with the bare truth because when I do it only means the end. I don’t negotiate, I don’t tolerate. I don’t want to listen to lies. I don’t want to put him in a I-have-to-lie situation.

It’s too early to put rules; but what about double-dating?

This is taking me under.

Under.

:: Longing

You want to call him; but would it sound too needy? Pushing things?

Butterflies fill your stomach just thinking about him; most of the time you do anyway. You want to hear his deep comforting voice. You want to hear his cheerful, balanced yet real laughter. You want to just check-up on him, now that he’s travelling away.

Maybe just a text message?

Then you re-think that the last texts and calls were initiated by you. You try to fight your longing and missing just to keep a certain image. He has to call you first sometime. Even though he made it a clear and open invitation that you are welcome anytime to call him; that he misses hanging out with you; that he loved the one hour and a half making out session; you just have to make him want you more.

You are then afraid logging into your MSN account; because you don’t want to see him online and start wondering what he might be doing. You don’t want to login into any of the online profiles; not because you might be feeling that you found something good; but not wanting to ruin it by seeing his “last logged on” timestamp.

Thoughts and ideas start haunting you.

I am haunted;

and I am longing for him.

:: Straight… to bed.

“I'm heterosexual and I have gay thoughts regularly, such as:
"Oh crap, this shirt doesn't go with these pants at all.” – some blog writer.

For the past few weeks, I have been fantasizing about a security guy who I had known a year ago. He had been guarding one of our work offices and, because of me being attracted, I befriended him. Even though I know for sure that he is straight, due to his never ending female problems, but I have strong doubts that he has some tendencies, like most straight men do. Knowing myself as a person who would never cross that line, not even because he might be gorgeous and inviting, but I can’t help but wonder, how many presumably straight men have I been with, and how far have they pushed the envelope?

Flashback during school. Hearing about “group jerking-off” nights where many of my friends back then used to watch porn and keep jerking-off all night. I wouldn’t dare joining them because I was worried someone would catch me peeking. I had to keep a good cover, and always a good excuse. One of those nights, Keram, a class mate and a neighbour, called me up, asking for some technical help with his PC.

“5 minutes and I’d be over”, I answered. I quickly changed in my army pants and a matching shirt and went over to his place. When I got into his room, I found lots of porn magazines laying around the place; while another porn movie playing on his computer. I laughed and said:

“You’d better clean this up soon mate, your parents wouldn’t be quiet happy finding this shit when they come back!”

“Don’t worry”, he answered, “they are off for the week-end to Marina, however apparently one of those porn sites fucked my machine and dad usually uses it. Can you fix it? It just keeps popping up out of nowhere porn advertisements!”

“A classic spyware problem”, I answered. I had to comment on that latino chick’s big boobs while I was at it. Keram gave a lusty look while fantasizing how gorgeous she would be on his bed, sucking his dick. The thought aroused me, especially that Keram used to be in Heliopolis club’s water polo team and boy, those men are always hunks!

“So, let’s see this system!”, I quickly said while closing all the advertisements and videos. “We need to clean up this mess”.

“Man, take your time! They won’t be back tonight anyway. Let’s watch some of those hot pussies before you fix the PC. I still have the night, just show me how to do it and I’ll clean that later. I just don’t want to corrupt it after fixing it!”

I felt uncomfortable. I wouldn’t get aroused on pussies. I had to make-up an excuse!

“You cockless bastard! Stop thinking with your dick!”, I didn’t know where did that come from, but I was planning an escape plan.

“Hell you think I am cockless?”, he answered quickly. I understood where things were going.

“Fuck you!”, I said laughing! “Let me fix this shit”. It was awkward. For me. Only me!

That’s when out of nowhere, he grabbed my cock.

“You’re hard man! Come on just feel comfortable dude!”

Damn. Damn. SHIT!

“Yo! What the fuck are you doing dude! That’s so fucking gay!”, I just said, last line in my defense.

We ended up with his cock in my mouth. How gay was that!

We kept on doing that for a while; he used to call me, and ask me to get over his place. We’d talk a bit, play some porn and just have casual, teenage sex.

Our friendship evolved from two buddies who used to go to school together; to two sex freaks who only met for that purpose. Years passed; he still lives next door again but we never say hi. We never talk. He went into deep denial of what happened, while I felt very bad that I lost a good friend; for sex.

I learnt. I learnt that I should think what is more important to me first: sex, that I can get from anyone, anytime; or a good friend.

:: Fear

“Virgos keep their youthfulness and rarely show their age. In love, they have difficulty expressing themselves as they desire. They may seem self-sufficient, but they are happiest with someone to love and who loves them.”

I think I am dating someone; and it is scaring the shit out of me. I am not sure whether this is just another excellent teaser or is it really it. When I thought I’d never gamble, find someone, communicate with a person, be impressed by looks and mentality; he appeared. He just walked into my life. He just fit himself inside my agenda. He made sure that, slowly, I believe in him.

I am just scared. I am freaking out. I am starting to, unintentionally, build barriers which I am trying to break.

I don’t want to be hurt again. I just can’t take it anymore.

 

“Virgo’s domain in the horoscope wheel is the sixth house; the house of work, those one employs, matters of health and fitness and day to day activities. If a Virgo man cheats, it’s most likely that the infidelity will occur with someone connected to one of these activities like a colleague or someone he sees regularly at the gym.

The attraction can also occur with someone he has regular contact with everyday such as the person who sells him his morning coffee. Much in the way that Leo is more likely to cheat with a person working with him on a creative project (the fifth house), so too is Virgo more likely to cheat with someone connected to his daily routine.”

 

Based on this, both of us might cheat. How fun!

How scary!

Release Yourself!

See You There!

:: So You Think You Can Impress?

After a relatively long time of low profile and semi-dating a nice guy; I was invaded by the meeting-new-people desire. Randomly chatting with potential people; I narrowed down the possible people to meet to one guy: Seth.

We talked for a while over MSN followed by a couple of phone calls. He sounded balanced, human. He had his own way of talking, his own personality and hazy pictures. He was rather calm yet pushy. I just wanted to get into the scene again. I wanted to feel the rush of meeting someone new: anticipation, curiosity and the usual sex or no sex followed by the fading and no contact fact.

We agreed two days earlier meeting on a Friday at 10 PM. I arranged my day so I’d finish gym and pending work early in order to have a free evening. After my nap; I found a text from a friend who was hosting a house party. That was even better! I decided cancelling my date with Seth and rather buy a Black Label and hit the gig.

“Sorry Seth. I’ve got sudden work commitment. I have to cancel tonight” – a lie. Who cares!

I got ready and felt the partying pulse invading me as I was picking the right shirt-pants combination. It was a cold night; however the night owls, midnight wolves that we are always wear light and open shirts to show off the hardly earned body muscles.

I passed by Albert in Heliopolis for my alcohol gift and drove to Mohandessin. As I stepped into the house; Seth called me. As I was busy at work; I couldn’t answer him.

The next day I got a text:

“I’ll wait for you tonight”. I called Seth as promised:

“Hey! What’s up!”

“Cool. How was your night?”

“It was alright”, I answered.

“Cool. You know that I placed a sea food order for you so we’d have dinner? I forgot cancelling it and I just got fucked with the whole order”, he said; in a harsh tone.

“That’s very thoughtful but I think I cancelled with you early enough to…”

“Yeah I forgot cancelling it. It was so annoying preparing all this for you and you just don’t show up”

“Seth, dude, you’re freaking me out here. It’s not my fault!”

“Never mind. You owe me. Bring me a Toblerone bar. That’s how people make it up with me”

I felt a bit unsecured but just said:

“Well I’ll be coming over tonight.”

“You’d better. I’ll make you eat yesterday’s order”

I smiled. That was freaky.

I drove to Mohandessin again as agreed. I parked and called Seth:

“So which building are you?”

“Turn around. Walk towards that restaurant. Now get into this building. Go to the 7th floor”.

I went as guided and found his flat’s door open. Since he wasn’t there, I rang the bell. I heard him yelling from inside:

“Come in!”. I didn’t. I just stood there. At least he should be having the courtesy of greeting someone properly for the first time.

He suddenly crossed infront of the door, without stopping; wearing a white t-shirt topped with a light blue open shirt and dark blue jeans; and said:

“Come in, Digg. Come in!”

I was astonished. He looked uglier than the hazy pictures; a lot slimmer; bad hair cut and, above all, no proper host manners.

I walked in. He guided me to his room. There was a plasma TV infront of the bed. A mini fridge nearby and lots of candles. I sat on the bed, as I didn’t have any other option, and uncomfortable smiled. I lit a cigarette and said:

“Sorry for yesterday. I couldn’t make it”

“It’s okay. Got my Toblerones?”

“No”, I answered, clearly.

“I expected that”.

I held my tongue. I had a thousand and one answers that rushed into my head; but I couldn’t act mean in his place, first visit, sitting on his bed.

“Let me introduce myself”, he started. “I am Seth; you might know me from media”

I looked at him, no emotions, no comment.

He continued: “I am quiet known in the artistic field. Due to the nature of my work, my name and work appear in TV, newspapers, meetings”

Void. Who the cares what the fuck is he!

“Anyway; I had a previous relationship with someone great but had to end it for his own good”

“How come?”, I asked.

“He had to relocate his life in Egypt for me since I decided moving back here. He was suffering; couldn’t get adjusted in here; so I broke up with him in order to be able to go back to his country”

I had my eye brows raised in amazement. So far; all what I had in my head was a growing “EWWWWW!”.

“You know Digg, I wanted to meet you because I loved your mentality; your way of thinking. I was us to talk. I’ve got ID, want a bottle?”

I said yes. As he was going to the mini fridge, I started talking briefly about myself. All what I wanted that night was just talking to him and leave. He was freaky, looked bad and totally not my cup of coffee. I just don’t have the power yet of saying that out loud to someone; I just go with the flow, tam the conversation and crash.

“Sorry, I ran out of IDs, only this last one”, he opened it and started drinking. “I’ll place an order”.

He opened it and started drinking without even inviting me to have it.

He called Drinkie’s and asked them to hurry. He then asked me:

“What is your birth date?”, I answered.

He then said: “You’re a Leo. Interesting!”. He slowly picked up a marker then went to the wall behind his TV and wrote my birthday on the wall, right there, in black permanent maker.

“I know you understand this gesture. I want to keep your birth date infront of me. I know what that means to you.”

Yes. LOCO!

I smiled. A cold smile. His wall. His life.

We kept talking for 40 minutes. He shared his life while I was giving only the major headlines in mine. He was getting light headed with the one bottle of unshared alcohol and had the guts of kissing me on the cheek without any reason. I froze for a second then said:

“We agreed that this shall be a nice conversation.”

He then answered: “Well I was testing you. I want to see if you’re really into that or just sex”

That was getting even more and more awkward. I was feeling totally uncomfortable. We then started talking about how sexual gay people are and only caring for the outer looks. Amen to that, it’s true; who would care about the inner content if the outer package is fucked up?

He then sat next to me on bed and said:

“So if I asked you to hug me”. I tilted my head a bit then said: “So?”

He then added: “Just a hug. It’s harmless. What do you think?”

I replied: “Well it’s meaningless. Why hug you? There is no reason for that.”

He then smiled again and said: “You’re right, I like how you think.”

Ten minutes later I found myself talking about how important one’s look is. How wonderful it is to form a perfect inside out balance that isn’t fake or shallow. How important to be unique and different. I then said that I was doing my best to actually achieve something like that.

He suddenly changed his tone:

“You think you’re a good shot?”.

“Well I am just a normal person who is trying to be himself, not a copy”

“Let me tell you; you are nothing. You are not a big shot. You are not someone that people might look at”

I didn’t have any expression on my face.

“There is nothing special about you; that’s what I think”

I smiled then stood up.

“Well, Seth, I think that my time’s up in here. I have to go”

He stood next to the room’s door. I thought he’d close it; since he hadn’t opened it. I walked towards my jacket, wore it slowly while keeping the same cold smile on my face. I then said: “Enjoy you’re IDs, they’d go perfectly well with the left over sea food meal”.

He kept looking at me. I was worried shit. I opened the room’s door and I was stepping out he said:

“I won’t stop you; you can go if you want to”

I WAS going in case he hadn’t understood already. I went to the main door and as I was opening it, the Drinkie’s delivery guy was standing infront of me. I just went out and took the stairs till the car.

The funniest part was next day; I received a text from Seth:

“Hey Digg. Will you come tonight?”

Tic Toc. Tic Toc.

Fascinating science is: dropping a mint inside a bottle of coke causes a huge effervescence. As shocking as it may sound, this has nothing to do with chemistry; in fact, it’s all about physics. What happens is that the gum Arabic in a mento reduces the surface tension of the water that is the main ingredient in diet coke. That reduced surface tension causes the carbon dioxide dissolved in the water to be released, and it does so with great enthusiasm.

 

Fascinating our emotions are: longing for someone while keeping that pressure kept inside is greatly released when he starts a conversation or you see him after a long time of silence. In fact, it’s all about our pride. What happens is that the hurt that we endure because of a bad action and mistreatment done by someone we had high hopes and enjoyed every single crazy moment with is actually frozen and controlled by a cold surface of pain and ego. Starting a conversation initiated by the other party or seeing him after a long time scratches that surface. That scratched pint in the superior frozen and protective layer causes all the suppressed memories, pain, hurt, longing, emotions, desires and fantasies to be released; giving you a certain unique feeling of effervescence in your stomach, spreading through your throat and hitting your brain.

 

Yes, he re-contacted me after months of silence. My silence of blogging as well.

:: Communicate

As we stepped into his place, we hugged; for over 5 minutes.

I felt his heart beat pounding: I made him cry earlier. I walked out of his car after telling him all my darkest thoughts and asked him to go. He drove away then he stopped, called me again and asked me to come.

I got into his car again and he just asked: "Is that it? Is this the end? Is this how you want to leave?".

He was holding a napkin; and I couldn't answer. I was jealous. I was hurt. But I am not with a heart made of stone.

"As you said, we should get to know each other more", I answered, "Let's try".

As I woke up the next morning, for the first time I sleep on another bed than mine and actually fall asleep, he was holding me tight.

I looked at his face. I smiled. I am definitely worth more than just 5 fucks for him.

Back then, I didn't really know that I was much worse that this: I was just a challenge.