:: Him

" When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews? " -Carrie Bradshaw.

For some reason, we always give a little extra care for our image. I am not talking about how you would look like this week-end clubbing, but the picture that others form about us whenever we are exposed to a certain event, to be more precise: when we get reviewed, silently, by other people when it comes to our love life, personal one or professional aspect. We always tend looking for what is being negative in us, what is being spread amongst the others and not for the sake of fixing ourselves, but I believe it is much more simpler than this: we always want to be perfect, no matter what, to have a better chance in whatever catch that might be just right the next corner.

I can't help but think: do we really care about others opinions? If so, why do we actually tend to follow stupid, pointless and empty targets that we believe they might be the right choice while all our entourage says it is not? Do we always look for the forbidden pleasure or is it the big drama queen that haunts us, gay guys, and always wants to make us feel betrayed, cheated and miserable after any love story that we might fall in? When it comes to falling in love, why don't we think about falling out of it?

Even though I sometimes regret talking about my previous relationship, giving out details that should be kept private between only the two of us, I had the guts writing about the break-up moment out loud in my blog -not only how it ended, but I went further back in time and wrote about our first moments together. He might come across those entries, and the entire blog; but I am certain I wouldn't feel a pinch of regret about what I wrote; songs I picked and the time I spent thinking about him, while typing, driving, talking or bugging my friends asking about his news. I can't help but comparing myself to Carrie when she went all cuckoo wondering what people were thinking about her break up with Aidan. Although the reviews that I get about my previous love relationship are totally in my favor, I can't help myself thinking: what about those who are on his side? Are they saying negative things about me as well, making him feel how wonderful it is that we ended whatever we shared together? Or is it, again, the drama queen in me talking? Only one true fact remains intact and concrete: he would never, ever, in his entire life find a guy who loved, respected and cared about him the way I did. Let's face it -nobody would be that much into him to the extent that he would dedicated a blog, entries, lines, tears and the past two years for him. Sometimes I envy him; for finding the love that was offered, unconditionally.

"The only way to heal from this obsession that you are carrying engraved deep inside your soul is simply forgiving yourself before forgiving him", that's what I have been told by a friend who suddenly popped up in my life after almost 5 years of no talks. He called me up one of those nights just to tell me that he had finally met my ex partner.

All along the past two years, I have always been too judgmental and tough on myself concerning how things went with him. Not only that, but blindly and foolishly I have applied that character of his and the whole attitude to all guys I was chatting with, started pointlessly dating and of course ended with them just because I imagined myself in the same scenario again. People are not replicas from one another, that's what I should keep in my mind whenever I feel a feeble attraction towards someone. Alfie's giggle and making out is totally unique, Ewan's romance cannot be compared to anyone else's I met exactly like the love I gave to Mostafa, my ex, cannot be duplicated. Why do I always think that Loving again is unfair for the first one's love? Actually each and every love should be neither replaced nor compared to the other. Mostafa's place in my heart and soul shall remain untouched forever decades that would come, simply because he was my first true one.

Many times I broke hearts, unintentionally, because of my bouncing attitude of restraining myself from starting (and letting be) any feeling evolve. Even though I seem like giving the green light at first, because of my more or less friendly way of breaking any ice, my orange and red lights quickly alternate when things might get more intimate. The moment that I feel good and relaxed towards someone, I suddenly start looking for the negative thing in him: I do my best convincing myself that this person cannot be the one, and if he doesn't have an apparent problem, I might make up one, believe it and use it as my alibi to runaway. How fucked up is that?

Whoever had been in a relationship before should learn one thing and has to keep it in his mind forever: being in state of Love is a blessing; if you have experienced it, you are lucky enough to feel, life and enjoy that feeling. Many others lived and died without experiencing it. By all means, you are a winner knowing how delightful that feeling is. It's up to you keeping it safely locked inside or distorting it by building walls and demolishing bridges that might lead to another feeling of joy.

I have been talking many times about my ex partner, let me wrap this subject forever and for always: H, I loved you and still love the person I was with for those precious three years no matter what you say/lie; it's just about time to let you go; and forgive myself as well.

I won't believe the negative review when it comes to you anymore; because I know I did my best, because I simply loved.