:: That's My Prerogative

" People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine? "

- Britney Spears.

Since we coexist among homophobes, straights, allegedly straights and gays in denial; we have faced some pretty frustrating moments and other fun ones. The dates we actually get laid with swing between hot and passionate ones to the what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here ones. When it comes to embarrassing moments in public or with friends, we can remember a long list of funny things that would entertain us even before we share it with others. Being gay makes you always see the world in a different perspective than others, since you are in touch with your inner self as well as having your systems always alerted (either for hunting other men or paying attention not to blow your cover for those group of people who would really disdain you if they knew). How much can you venture? How honest can you be? How would it be, if you were in my shoes?

It was early Autumn 1998, when I had this date with a french guy living in Heliopolis. We chatted on gay.com heavy Java chat rooms, exchanged numbers and decided to have some passionate hot sex. I hesitated when the time came, I was on my early dating days back then, and it was freaking me out, meeting someone just for sex and go. I told him that I would be all in white (it was fashion back then!) and that I would wait for him in front of KFC Merghany street, since he lived nearby. It was already 6:30 and I had a couple of more blocks to run in order to reach the spot. 6:36 and I haven't found him standing there as agreed -I was 6 minutes late. I noticed someone, matching the description that he had given me earlier walking away (there were no pictures back then to confirm how you would really look like: all people were "hot", "cute", "sexy", "fit", "brown hair", "black/hazel/green/blue eyes", some numbers reflecting height and weight and of course, a huge load of good luck that you might even accept having coffee with them when you would meet). I quickly ran towards that guy and asked him whether he was Sébastien or not. I was in luck (not like what happened later with Adel). He checked me out quickly and obviously I have passed the test, since he invited me over his place.

When I walked in, I found his house very comfortable. It was more like a studio, but a well organized one. Suddenly, a little puppy popped up out of nowhere. I could barely distinct it from the brown carpet. It kept jumping and barking while I was looking at it with amazement: how sure of itself, this little, tiny doggy was! Sébastien practically moved the little piece of ornament away while it kept jumping, now with much lower barking tone, in a separate room. Swiftly, Sébastien put his hand on my ass and started kissing my neck. He was in a hurry, I was horny. We instantly moved on his bed and started making out. His tongue was going all the way down my back, making me shiver when he reached my butt. His hot saliva was turning me on, his hot breathe was gently blowing on my skin. While he was kissing me on my neck, I felt his tongue on my hip. I was confused! How could he be that good, reaching two spots at the same time, or was that his tool, loaded with precum, giving me that sensation? The licking was going harder in a couple of seconds when I decided to turn around: the jumping-barking piece of carpet was there! Obviously the moving piece of ornament decided to join us in sex. I quickly moved away and felt disgusted: what the hell was that! A dog licking my hip while his owner kissing my neck? Sébastien laughed and pushed the dog off the bed. I was feeling uncomfortable, and I wanted to shower at that point. The dog was on the floor, looking at us, worse than Eddy staring at Frasier! I asked Sébastien if we could stop at that point, which was impossible for him since he was starting his high engines. A couple of minutes later, we heard knocking on the door. Was the little brown ball hair rebelling now, that we kicked him out of his most wanted threesome? Actually it was one of his roommates. Sébastien suddenly lost his erection, his engines cooled down in less than a minute and was asking me to get dressed and leave from the kitchen door. I felt relieved that I will be leaving this crazy animal sex place, but felt so cheap when the kitchen door was slapped shut as soon as I walked out.

I think I should have shot that dog. That would have been my prerogative!

Last winter, I chatted with Shady from gayDar and we decided meeting soon after. I was in Cilantro Café in Maadi, waiting for him to reach the place. He kept on calling me several times, since the taxi driver decided to take him in a cruise before reaching where I was; matter of squeezing a few extra pounds. I met a stylish young man, perfumed, selecting the finest brand names to wear, the right color match. We had one of the rare smart conversations that you would have with a new date. The whole outing was nice and light; the coffee tasted good, the perfume he wore smelled nice, his overall look felt elegant. Shady kept talking about many things, we have clicked quickly because not only we both worked in the same field, but he was smart and knew how to say correct sentences, flirt and tease.

While leaving the place, I insisted on driving Shady back to his hotel: I wouldn't like such a stylish and elegant guy be tortured again with another cab driver. I was on the highway, driving, while listening to music and continuing our talks. He knew about fashion, alcohol, sex and fun! He was the model fag. A couple of minutes later, the car wasn't going right. I quickly took side in that open road and stepped out. We had to change the front tire! I felt so embarrassed. I couldn't maintain one full correct night with him; I know the car couldn't! Shady quickly stepped out of the car, opened the trunk and the nicely perfumed, well dressed guy was ready to change the dirty, disgusting tire. We were laughing, I was blushing. I did my best keeping him away from all this fuss, but he was making sure that everything was correct and the bolts were correctly installed. "The only positive thing is that I could casually check out your butt while you were leaning forward to work on the tire", he said. Shady managed seeing the bright side of the incident! I always thought about how embarrassing could be, serious incidents on a very good first date. My imagination never pictured me how severe could that be, I had to try it.

Later that week; I was invited to a gathering party by a foreign friend. When I walked in the place, Shady was there. We continued our talks, this time with alcohol instead of coffee, which made Shady all flirty, sexy and touchy. The whole evening was relaxing. I decided to leave, and wanted to drive him correctly that time, back to his Hotel. We stepped in the elevator, pressed on the Ground Floor button. The next second, we were making out. Shady squeezed the Stop button and we were somewhere between the 8th and the 7th floor. His hand sliding down my back, squeezing my ass; mine reaching for his crotch, squeezing on his lips, feeling the passion as he kissed me deeper and deeper. He kept on pressing the Stop button, since someone was obviously calling the elevator from the ground floor. Several stops, more kisses, a couple of wrong clicks on the "alarm" button that announced the fire that was going between both of our hot male bodies in the whole building. We lost sense of time in that cubicle, alarm ringing, alcohol, elevator is being called.. we stopped. Quickly, we fixed our clothes, trying to control our tools, now that they were obviously bulging under our tight pants. The doors opened. A security guy was looking at us in a very strange way, we looked drunk and gay.. it was embarrassing, but alcohol managed to make us feel very cool about it. We moved out of the building while the security guy kept following us with his eyes. We burst into laughter once we stepped out of the place.

Who cares about the guy? Enjoying a crazy moment in an elevator with a hot guy is my prerogative!

I never considered a straight person as a close friend of mine, since I would be hiding my sexual orientation. How open we could be to each other, how loyal or helpful, there is this something that I am keeping away from them that prevents me from calling them best buddies! This goes to almost all people I know, except Mohamed. Although a couple of other people who know about my sexual orientation, Mohamed is actually my best straight friend. We met in a very gay-like scenario: a message on Hi5, a chat and a phone number exchange. When we decided to meet, Mohamed proposed that we would go to watch Finding Nemo. When we first met, I felt some attraction to the guy: he looked cute and very fun. I couldn't really understand whether he was gay or straight, but I decided to play along: Mohamed was a good friend in both cases. One full year passed, I wasn't sure about his sexual orientation. He had a girlfriend, I never saw him fooling around with girls; and I really felt happy when I used to go out with him. One day, Mohamed told me while we were talking about the latest Will & Grace episode: "You know what, Digg, I always wanted to have a gay friend." -was he hinting something? A couple of months later, after deep thinking, I decided coming out to him; I couldn't bare losing a good friend like him but I also wanted everything to be clear. We met in Elvis Cafe; I waited for the right moment and started:

"Mohamed, you told me once that you always wanted a gay friend.."

"Yeah", he answered, while guessing what I was talking about.

"Well; you already do have one!".

I waited. The seconds that followed this declaration were like decades. Mohamed just took a smoke then told me:

"Well; I always felt it. You are so neat in everything: you pick your words; you are always taking care of what you wear and you know how to be real fun!" I sighed. To be honest; I was wishing that he would come out too; since this little crush I was having towards him needed to be fulfilled. He was straight, one of the rare totally straight guys. Mohamed and I are still best friends till this very moment; I wouldn't trade anything inthe world for him. How comfortable it is to be yourself with someone who really accepts you for who you truly are.

Him knowing about me, this is his total prerogative.

People never stop talking about each other, gossiping about everything they can nibble on; but one thing remains the same, you always rule your own decisions, you always follow your own way. How many of us erased their personalities or altered their intentions just because they were influenced by any of the outer factors? How many are willing to trade their lives for others, forgetting that their own existence and unique personality is precious in its form? How many of us forgot what they were really seeking from the first place because of some moments in life made them break down, lose focus or simply lost track? I always keep one thing in mind when I am put in a choice: it's my life, it's my decision, it's my prerogative.