MIRAGE: mirraa&ulzh;/
• noun 1 an optical illusion caused by atmospheric conditions, especially the appearance of a sheet of water in a desert or on a hot road caused by the refraction of light by heated air. 2 something illusory.
— ORIGIN French, from Latin mirare ‘look at’; cf. MIRROR
One of my usual holy habits is traveling to Alexandria every week-end. I just pack my quick stuff that are handy: my cool shirt, jeans, naughty pants, condoms, bathing set, laptop and iPod for a soft musical background if needed; and off I go! I spend one night in there, away from Cairo, away from my hectic life, feeling free in my hotel room, ready to date anyone -if "anyone" good enough exists! I usually end up dating 3 or 4 guys and come back to my cold hotel room alone, around 5 am, drunk, sit by my room's window in the 11th floor and look at the sea, the raging Mediterranean sea, since I prefer going there during winter time. I just follow the trail of my smoke, while it evades by the open window, moving around some cold air breeze and fades as fast as the cars that are now driving by the sea side, quickly, lonely, leaving a smoky vapor
behind.. reminding me of stuff I do my best to forget; not always, but backed up there in the back of my mind, ready to go out once I have a couple of drinks and away from any fun aspect either a good chat or a crazy all-night dance. I just gaze my eyes all around the magnificent view, now that the sun is getting ready to show.. a faint reddish line is being spilled in the magnificently huge black background; making me, for a strange reason, shiver while having the last breath off my Davidoff.
"Another night is over in Alex.. Another week-end is gone".
There is something about me going there. I never thought about analyzing it or clearing it in my mind. I am driving, happily, check-in, happier, relax and watch TV, the happiest person ever. I call people. People call me. I set dates. I meet. I spend a magnificent time flirting this or that. I feel happy when they ask if they can come over and tuck me in bed, well, I wouldn't mind if he is a hottie of course.. but for some reason, the curve suddenly breaks at 5:00am, sharp. I feel total neglection and cold towards whoever is around. I am craving for one thing: rush to my room, look by the window, smoke a cig and then throw the butt all down the way from the 11th floor.. trying to see how far can I actually see it falling. Yeah, there is something that unplugs me. Something that makes me sad. Deeply. I wish I could tell Ayman about it. I wish Ayman was here... Is Ayman for real?
It was early summer when I got this gayDar message, from a guy in his twenties living in Alex asking to have a chat. He has no picture displayed. We, as great Fags, care a lot about pictures; stressing on the ever lasting "No Picture No Reply" bull shit we care about -as if a monkey sending you his picture, you'd actually reply back! By all means, if the age criteria and looks don't fit; we never reply, we don't even say: Sorry, I don't think we have a shot together -which I started saying to people lately; and it feels great to actually "reply" those who "have picture". For some reason, I feel more attracted to those people with no picture displayed, and a couple of lines talking about themselves. They are mysterious, a big portion of them are hotties (based upon experience) and so damn self confident, which is a major turn on in a man I date. I felt happy when I saw this "not so much viewed profile 30-something views only" -which means he is totally checking people and picking whom he should address and talk to; let's see. I added him.
He hasn't showed up for a couple of days. Well; a busy guy. He'll show up; for sure.
The fourth day; around 11pm he finally signed-in. He actually started the chat right away! We introduced ourselves. My pictures were displayed so he just changed and displayed his. A hunk. Ayman was a real hottie. My theory hasn't been shacked yet; about guys without pictures on gayDar! We had a very nice chat. I totally respect people who answer quickly; since I do the same, even if I have a gazillion of open Chat windows. Some people should be given total attention and focus. He shared me this; and I loved it. We set another date for the following night; since I had to go to bed. Ayman is a real catch; I thought. Looks like my next visit will be something!
The very next night; Ayman was there; online. We talked even more about everything, except ourselves. For some reason we haven't come near our own private lives; we haven't talked about any of our experiences that scared or scarred us. We just enjoyed the chat. He only said one thing about himself; he always wanted to be a model, everything was alright except for his height: he looked fine to me, 5 feet 5 is NOT short! I was captured by his decency; by his great pictures and his elegant way. Our chats never ended; we always found some ways to start something interesting and fun; something that will keep us awake all night; then blame him for making it harder for me to wake up on time next morning for my work; we laugh; we keep chatting.
A couple of weeks later; we exchanged numbers.. I never called, he never did. We just enjoyed our online Chat. Till I decided on a week-end to announce that I will be in Alexandria, where he is from. I sent him an SMS saying that Digg is in Town! Ayman SMSed back welcoming me in; and expressing how sorry he is since he always goes to Marina Beach during week-end. He expressed how funny this is too: I move to Alex while he moves to Marina. I didn't care; yes I wanted to see him in real; yes I felt good towards him but I always wanted to keep his perfectly mystical picture in my mind as it is. What would happen after we meet? Will my 5:00am curve be applied after meeting? Just another week-end. Let me enjoy it then!
The following week; I sent the same SMS to Ayman.. he replied by the end of the day. Marina. well; I started feeling strange about the whole "Marina" thing. Anyway; it's cool. I enjoy his presence this way. Things might go bad if we meet, right? It happened a lot!
Third week-end in Alex, two months ago. The weather was exceptionally magnificent. I had a couple of dates; one of them was accidentally in Alexandria. We decided to meet around 1:00am, time he finishes hanging out with his friends. I felt a little dizzy; since I haven't slept all that day; and I hate that feeling; specially if I will be having sex: I must give my date full attention as I require the same. I just walked back to my room around 11pm and decided to sleep. Everything was calm and quiet. Everything was peaceful. I forgot to fix the alarm.. shit! I woke up. It was almost 1:30am.. and 2 new messages. Damn. I haven't heard my cell phone ringing. It was my 1:00am date.. fuck! He canceled it. He couldn't make it that night.. and asked for a reset, the following night, yeah, whatever freak; I stay for only one night every week-end. Now I have nothing to do! I went to the bathroom to freshen up.. heard my SMS announcement. I just went back slowly to my cell phone; he should be sending his 3rd SMS apologizing or whatever... no.. it was Ayman. He was asking whether I was awake and free or not. Yes! I am free. He asked if it was okay to meet that night. I said that it was cool. We set our meeting time at 2:00am, in Beano's Café; right next to my hotel. I quickly had my shower; took my favorite shirt and cute pants. Extra gel on my hair to give it the correct wavy/spiky shape and fix all night. Some perfume. Flip Flops. Yeah, me ready to rock! I am meeting Ayman! How exciting is this! I'll finally get to see the guy in person. A final check infront of the mirror.. smokin'
I quickly walked to Beano's café. It was 2:03am. Ayman SMSed me saying that he will be 5 minutes late. I just picked a nice spot in there and waited. I wanted to order some coffee so I'd be in the "action" look when he walks in, I have to look different than any other regular date. Only if a waiter comes near! A couple of minutes later; I could see a car park infront of the Café. Leaving the flasher on, some hot guy stepped down and opened Beano's door, looked at me and said:
"Did you order anything?"
"No, I replied, I was about to or..."
"Good! Come, jump in the car, we're going somewhere else!"
Damn, he was the very first guy who made a right "entrance" on me! I always do this! I always make the first meeting as a quick snapshot; a camera flash, so I break the fear and look cooler. Ayman played the same game on me! I went into his WV Golf 2006 car; blue; my favorite color. I could listen to Track 2, Electronic House 2006 -I have the same compilation on my iPod! I am feeling so comfortable. I looked at Ayman; yeah; he is as cute as I always pictured him; not that short; as I always told him. Now, it was my turn to keep a live conversation while he is driving to some destination.
"Finally we met!"
"Yeah! I just came back from Marina, well, you know, the weather there is great and I always stay there whenever I am off", he replied.
"Cool, I runaway from Cairo to Alex while you make it to Marina. I should change my plans at some point then!", we both laughed. Ayman kept driving, moving with the music, talking and chatting. I felt him tensed; but sensed him relaxed inside. It's just the first meeting's worry, not a big deal. After driving a while along the sea side, he took left in a street, found a parking space and we both stepped out of the car. He guided me into a Pub, a pretty nice one. The owner was expecting us. Ayman, you keep impressing me! He welcomed us and now we were walking to a table with pretty white dantelle napkins on it; wine and beer and many spicy sea food side dishes. It looked great; the way the table was fixed; the only table set in that way. Ayman told me that he reserved the place and asked this to be done. I felt butterflies inside of me! It's magnificent how someone cares for you; cares for your feelings and knows how to impress you. He was good, real good!
We had a great talk; this time live; smoking; drinking; laughing; and checking each others' out. I noticed he carried two cell phones. I had only one explanation in mind: he "organized" his life. One of his phones kept ringing and he was neglecting it. We talked about beach, water, sand, sports, Yoga, music, taekwondo, movies, . He told me that he plays Piano. "Great! I love Piano", I said, "You can play me something in our Hotel's Bar. I guess I saw a Piano there!" -Ayman was delighted and promised to do so as soon as we get back to my Hotel. Some time later, I asked for cheque and insisted paying it.. I was very happy (and drunk). He drove back, as fast as he could to the Hotel [PS: do not drink and drive], parked downstairs and this time, he answered his phone. I stepped away, sensing that this was one of those family calls. Yep, it was, he told me that his mother's wondering why the heck was he that late! He told them, at 1:45am, that he's going to Metro Market to buy some dog food. It was 5:00am!
Ayman went up to the Bar, sadly, it was closed. I couldn't listen to his play. He mentioned something about not being into this Hotel before. I invited him to check my suite, and have an idea about the view and quality. He agreed. I was thinking, to be honest, that things might go from there, but I always kept in my mind that his parents called, and he is expected to go home any minute. I shouldn't rush things; let it be anytime later; I am always in Alex anyway.
We walked into my room, Ayman looked at the sea. "How beautiful is this?", he said, while lighting a cigarette. I took one of my butts and looked by the window too; yeah; a faint reddish line is being spilled in the magnificently huge black background; making me, for a strange reason, shiver while having a deep breath from my Davidoff. It was great, specially that Jack Johnson, Matt Nathanson and Norah Jones were mixing something in the background, out of the laptop. Too drunk to focus, but feeling too high and extremely great and relaxed. He finished his smoke and was in between staying or leaving.. a serious dilemma. I just said that this is too late for him, I didn't want him to have problems. He just said bye and left. I stayed next to the window; looking at his little Lego car from the 11th floor moving and blending with the horizon, I threw my cig, and watched it falling all the way down. I could see the red light in the middle of the dark road. I waited for his SMS. I know he would send one. He did. I replied, thanking him for what he sent and for the unique exceptional night. I truly enjoyed it, with a very decent, smart, stylish and most of all, elegant person.
I couldn't make it the following week-end to Alexandria. I had loads of work to do. I wanted to go and meet Ayman, but I also felt that this way is good too; better making things as cute as they are. Soon after, it was Ramadan. I never go to Alex during Ramadan due to Iftar parties; family commitments, and well, no sex. I sent Ayman the "Happy Ramadan" Best Wishes SMS. Three days later, the SMS failed delivery. That was strange. I don't even remember seeing Ayman online for a big while now. I tried calling. His cell phone is switched off.
Ramadan ended, I sent everyone, including Ayman, the "Happy Eid" Best Wishes SMS! I kept waiting and watching the delivery receipts.. none from Ayman. Three days later, the SMS failed delivery. That was stranger. Ayman hasn't come online for a bigger while now. I haven't seen him since. I felt worried. I called some dear friends, asked them about him, giving them his description. I even asked for his number, whether they have it saved. He doesn't exist. Nobody met him, nobody knows him, nobody ever heard about him, a ghost, a mirage!
That was so confusing... That was strange. He was too good to be true, yes, we clicked in a very strange level. What is happening now? Where is he? Did I imagine all this?
Last week; I was in Alexandria. One of my dates took me to Sheikh Ali bar.I always heard about it, but never been to it. It's a commonly known gay bar. When I walked in, I just remembered Ayman. I never knew that he took me to this famous Gay pub I always wanted to join. After a couple of drinks, I excused and went back to my hotel room. just thinking about Ayman, while gazing at the red light mixing with the highway.. he was too good to be true; and, in fact, looks like he wasn't true.
"A", I am leaving this blog entry as a message in a bottle. I never knew much about you; your sudden disappearance was too unexpected. The couple of hours I spent with you were magnificent, and engraved in my mind for whatever time comes. I just hope you're safe and sound wherever you are... You will be always remembered, anytime I am in Alexandria. "Just follow the smoke".
