:: Gay it Forward

We, as senior Gay Guys, have a certain commitment towards all the new freshly out-of-closet Gay Boys. We should adopt them, lead them to the light, let them evolve from the chrysalis phase to blossom into a magnificent Butterfly; that flies, jumps from one flower to the other; sucking its nectar and cherishing life! We should... Gay it Forward.

We all have been down that road: we were new-comers one day, most of us are seniors by now. There has always been someone leading our way; someone pushing us to have our first baby steps in the Wild Wild Gay World, to accept ourselves, our own orientation. We met Them. We led Them. We suffered with Them.

It was on a sunny day in June 1999 when I was online. Prior to gayDar Holy Shopping Stands; there was Gay.com Heavy Java Chat Rooms. You had to wait a couple of minutes before you click the "CHAT" button and a huge list of countries pops, with your hungry eyes and mouse wheel, you scroll quickly to reach the "EGYPT" section and see the total amount of online people. About 9 guys were there, waiting to be picked, dated, flirted, cybered or whatever fetish they were into! "Let's see what's served today!"

I rarely started any chat with anyone. I always waited there, with my nickname and details, trying to be clear, tempting, raw as much as possible. Finally someone double clicked on helioboy16. I was thrilled, happy, worried while looking at the new window pop-up with a 'hello' as a starter. I looked at the nickname cairo_doctor that was tempting. I quickly typed my 'hi' and decided to check what he has added as details about himself. He was 17, tall, and the details promised a hunk that I will never let go. I was excited.

Back that time, people in Cairo who used to connect to Internet were a lot better than nowadays shit: classier, smarter and of course decent. Thanks to the new free Internet service 0777 or 0707 -anybody now with an Oven hooked with a modem can access the Cyber World. cairo_doctor had good English, a fine style, a classy, respectable way of talking. With my pink-greenish little 16 years old heart, I felt hooked. Delighted. Happy. "Numbers?" Yes of course I'd love giving you my number, Doc'. Come operate on me!

We talked over the phone. He had this deep voice. I drowned. Swam. Floated. Dreamt. Decided to meet him.

"Marriott Bakery Korba street?" -I proposed, since this was the first Café that always comes in my mind whenever I decide dating someone.

"Deal! See you there after.. 20 minutes!"

20 minutes! 20 freaking minutes!! I don't have time to shower, change what I dress a gazillion times and re-shower because I am sweating and feeling worried! I just ran across my house. Reached the bathroom and started humming and trimming (who knows!) while quickly showering.

25 minutes later, I was inside Bakery Korba. It was empty, that time. I stayed.. fixing my eyes at the entrance door like a hawk. A hunk should come in.. A hunk should come in.. A hunk should.. A Barn Door came in!

He was tall, but taller than what you think. He was strong, but stronger than what you may imagine! First thing that crossed my mind: how big is h...

"You must be Digg!"

Damn I am him.

"Hey Amr! How are you? Please have a seat."

Amr was the kind of guys who makes you look at him: he has something about his clear white skin, nice hairy young chest, dark black hair that make you want to look twice at him to check every part separately (considering his big size Michael Jordan-body-type). He wore a nice shirt exposing his chest, tucked in his dark blue/gray Jeans. No special brand names I could read, but he looked elegant in what he wore. The only drawback was this school bag he had with him. I was assuming he was coming back from University.

We talked. We talked. He was a bit boring as a matter of fact. Not as attractive and entertaining as he was on phone. But there was something in his eyes. Something that gets you. That makes you drown. Swim. Float. Dream!

Amr was a freshman in Medical school. He was calm. Quiet. Not that much of a talker. I knew later that this is categorized as a main sign of Confused People. He was living between the eternal dilemma: I am attracted to boys. But I am straight. I want to get married. But I want a male body. Kids. Islam. Forbidden. Let's fuck!

My pink-yellow-greenish heart fell for him. I saw his silence as a wise man. I read his confusion as a reasonable guy. I was preparing myself for my first sorrow.. and I was doing it well.

Over the following couple of weeks; we were meeting, SMSing, chatting, e-mailing. Amr started taking me to his university. I met his best friend. I made him meet my friends. Till that night.. When everything flipped.

We were in Hardee's, Khaleefa al Ma'moon street. It was on a Thursday, about 2:00am when Amr, his bag, Digg, Checko & Tom were ordering their Five Star Combo please!

We took our Happy Star with some number on it, picked a place and sat down. I wanted to go to the bathroom, Call of Nature! (and checking myself in the mirror while walking by wouldn't cause any harm). I excused, and went.

A couple of seconds later, Amr came in. A couple of minutes later, we were making out.

The very next morning; I felt happy. Delighted. Hooked! I SMSed him. Teasing him about how naughty he was; doing so in a public place. Waited for his answer.

No answer.

I called. No answer. I gave him excuses. He must be sleeping. We stayed up late last night!

Unless he sleeps 24 hours.. something must be wrong by now.

I SMSed. Asking how he is doing. Telling him that I miss him. That I want to hear his voice. Why haven't I thought about checking my mail?

There was something like: This is wrong. Bad. Our religion forbids it. I am sorry Digg. Don't call me anymore.

You liked it you sick dirty in-public hot french kisser rapist son of a bitch! Screw you, liar. I miss you. Please answer my calls. Please listen to me. We can talk through it. Amr, I like you. Amr I need you. Amr don't leave me!!

I tried removing his memory (and cherry lips/warm hug) from my mind. I missed his skin. His smell. I tried logging into Gay.com chat in other nickname; just to see him come online. No doctors in sight. Till my home phone rang, a couple of months later. Amr was expressing, in his (now monotone) voice, that he wants to see me. He is confused about his sexuality. About his desires. About his needs. But he felt good. Of course, my pink-yellow-green-reddish heart was so excited that he's back.

We met in Pizza Express (now: Costa Café in Heliopolis). We sat down. In my thoughts, I was drowning, swimming, floating: what does he need? He just sat there, silent, boring.. with this bag he always carried on his back. A real nerd. How haven't I noticed this? Is it really me seeing him clearly? Or just trying to convince myself that he is not as WOW as I he really is?

I started talking, about anything! Trying to start something. I was doing my best not to come near that "thing" that happened a while back. I only wanted to look at him; my Barn Door!

After finishing my Mocha, medium with a Caramel shot please! and his Fresh Mango Juice (He never drinks coffee or tea -that explains his frozen behavior), cairo_doctor decided to open his bag, for the first time, I was having the chance to know what is hiding in there. My curiosity was killing me. Pandora's box was open! A gift and a letter came lose. (what else in there?). He just put them on the table, and left on the spot. Leaving me confused (by the act of opening his Holy bag first then doing this hit and run!)

I just opened the box. There was a candle; with a lot of glitter around that made me long for some Feather to suit me; now all shiny that I have become! A letter; a glittery letter to be precise, cut from his University's Notebook. Well handled, with different colors he wrote. He wrote what he felt. What he truly felt towards me. How great he felt while kissing in that bathroom. How wild yet thrilling it was. As tasty as the Adam's Apple.. yet forbidden. How much he wants me; but he can't be around me. Things are going in the wrong way. He couldn't accept it. Maybe one day he'd accept the whole thing; maybe by then; we'd be together. That I represent this Candle to him (specially that by then I was all covered with glitter). "You will always be the light that made me truly see myself inside."

He left me heart broken, again. This time, with a glittery candle to remind me how much I need to purchase pink feather; and to remind me the first guy I really fell for. I really felt safe with my little loving heart back then. I look at the candle now; and can't help but remember seeing Amr, a couple of years later in a gay gathering.. kissing someone. This time not in the bathroom.. but right next to it.