Allow me to interrupt the Tantric series in order to register this entry. I know how much you fellow readers are eager to finish those entries, but meanwhile, Mica consumed my energy and time in a way that cannot be blogged in one, two or only three entries. The mess that he left me going through is worth thousand parts.
In this entry, at 6:23 AM, laying in my hotel bed, after Tiesto’s gig in Ghazala hotel, and under the influence of Tequila, Vodka, Beer and the post traumatic and depressive effect of XTC pills, I am neither modifying nor editing in what will be followed. I have never been in touch with my deepest emotions like this very moment.
There we were, heading to the 142 KM space from Alexandria to Ghazala Hotel on the Northern Coast to get lost in Tiesto’s music. Carl was driving while Joe was sitting next to him during which I was preparing the Blue Armani ecstasy pills while mixing Vodka drinks in McDonald’s Sprite (that turned out to be only fucking Soda thanks to the ass hole employee who refused giving me two empty medium sized cups filled with ice till I shoved money down his throat). I was handing the drink to Carl while he was speeding at 160 KM/H to catch the gig. Seeing Carl, even as only a raving partner now, keeps fucking me deep inside to an extent I cannot control anymore.
We walked in and while raving in the VIP area and having the second XT
C pill with some Vodka, I started having an out of body experience while lusting for Carl as never before. Seeing him dancing and moving in front of me was a torturing experience that I enjoy having. I must be some kind of a fucking sadist, allowing myself having those euphoric moments just being next to him while knowing that my chapter had ended long before it even started with that intensely sexual night we had spent together in his Agami villa; almost a year ago.
I look now at the Mobinil bracelet I am wearing around my left wrest, tagged with the number 05905 and reading what’s written on it Charge your LIFE, and I can’t help but wonder, is this a sign to remind me that my life, soul and love battery had drained long time ago?
While walking out of the event at 4:30 in the morning earlier tonight, Carl kept asking Joe to take off his shirt and change it with the one he was wearing because it was all sweaty and Joe was feeling cold. Not only because of the hypothermia effect of the XTC pills, but the cold morning air would make people sick especially with our self immunity fucked with all the chemical reactions running in our veins. Carl just took off his shirt and I couldn’t help it anymore. Under my sun glasses, I kept looking at every inch of his firm body and fine chest hair that I used to kiss, suck on nipples and euphorically ejaculated during that one time sex encounter we had. I was craving for more, and he was my only desire.
Where would I find a successful engineer, addicted to partying, alcohol and as sexy as Carl is?
While driving me back to my hotel and listening to Tiesto’s constant Seach of Sunrise, he raised the volume up to the track that kept melodying: I love you. I need you. Right here in my arms. That’s when I couldn’t help but silently crying in my back seat. I had to hide those tears away, showing how vulnerable and weak I am is just out of the question. I remember that guy I met 3 days earlier for a date and after talking for a couple of hours in my car, he called me the next day and said: “Digg. Why do you always keep showing yourself strong and not caring while you’re the weakest person ever from inside? You’re just too fragile and broken; even though you were trying to show in your arrogant way that nothing ever matters in your life but your career and the one night stands that you have, there is deep sorrow and a broken soul laying inside of you”.
Yes indeed. While driving me to the hotel, I suddenly realised that, just like Tiesto’s Search of Sunrise had lasted 7 sets so far, I hadn’t started my first chapter yet. I am craving for someone who just sleeps next to me, right now in my queen bed room, and when I wake up next morning, I just look at him and know that someone is still in love with me.
I am dying for a pure emotion that tangles my sensations, makes me feel real lust, desire, and more of all that cheesy love feeling. Someone who would share my thoughts, care about my problems, and together, we’d look at the next day’s sunrise just like the one I am witnessing now out of my room’s window overlooking the sea, alone.
Again, a tear falls and another cigarette in my hand. How long would this last? I am losing my precious twenty-something years denying and struggling to survive in a schema that I hate.
What would it take to find someone who really wants me just like I want him? Why my love equations are always null, either from my side or my date’s side? How long will it take to stumble upon someone who I can proudly present to my best friends saying that this is the one? Someone who would surprise me with a trip to Sharm or Marina or what-so-fucking ever to attend a gig, get wasted and drive back home to have a never ending making out session; and again, when I wake up in the morning and see his face sleeping, I could read that he forever wants me next to him? I would slowly kiss him and get up make coffee and leave both of us to our work.
We’ve all found the sunrise after Tiesto’s gig; but mine, had set long time ago with no plans to shine again.
Again, I smile and look at the breakfast tray that had just been delivered to my room and can’t help but think: another day, another breakfast; alone.
9 comments:
The sun is shining, you just can't see it from your umbrella of self-preservation. take chances and look weak, who cares? at least you're out where the wind is blowing and the seasons change.
i hate those minutes of truth and clearness we have now and then, those minutes is so painful yet they are essential , they are the points where the roads split and we have to decide which one we must take, in your case i think what you where supposed to ask yourself, will i wait the perfect one? am i ready to sacrifice those precious years passing by ? or must i lower my bar a little bit and try to accepts others defects as i want them to accept mine?
And the answer to those questions from my point of view is you have to accept others defects, i think you want it all in one which is never gonna happen because we are humans and the perfection of humans is achieved by doing mistakes.
so stop draining your emotions on party animals and alcohol drinker, and start looking for some one who want’s to spend the hole day with you not 5 hours of it.
you are a good and sensitive person and you deserve the best.
You are SO Me! and in a shocking way!
Well , that was very touching, shocking and true.
But i do believe that your way of thinking and behaving is the result of experience and your own interpretaion of what happened to u throughout your life, thus what you believe to be the baisis on which u judge ppl is sthg u cant change and it is better being alone that being with someone who you r not satisfied with , so keep being ur self and someday u will be shocked to find some one who will break all the walls u have around yourself , and it is not necessary that he will be exactly as u imagine , but ge will touch u in a way u never know possile .
Anonymous:
You just hit my jackpot!
This is exactly what I meant, feeling and intending to do.
Thank you :)
I would agree with both anonymous and Deep Blue: It is good to have certain criteria for what you want and not to compromise and just settle for anything coz that will make you miserable and it is not fair to either you or the person you are with. In the same time, this list should not be set in stone. people are not custom made. you need to have some flexibility. The right person for you, who you will be happy with is not neccassirly how you pictured him. You can't reduce a person to a checklist that you tick off. You should go wi the general feeling. If you feel good with a person and like to be with him and he meets a basic set of criteria, then go for it. Ok i blabbered on for too much, but i am struggling with the same feelings right now and your post has hit a nerve (as always)
I think you need some optimistic approach for you my dear.
believe me
I've been there my friend
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